Épisode Vendredi soir, pas de problème ! S06E13

WRITTEN BY AMY SHERMAN-PALLADINO
DIRECTED BY KENNY ORTEGA

LORELAI'S HOUSE - BEDROOM

[Luke is fast asleep. The room is dark. Lorelai, fully dressed, sneaks out of the bathroom and crosses over the door. The floor squeaks and Luke sits up.]

LUKE: Hey.

LORELAI: Hey. Did I wake you? 'Cause I brushed my teeth in the shower so you wouldn't hear the sink run.

LUKE: You didn't wake me up.

LORELAI: But then it occurred to me while I was in the shower that you could probably hear the shower run and that defeated the purpose of the whole shower-toothbrush combo.

LUKE: Why are you up so early?

LORELAI: Oh! Well, you know me.

LUKE: I do. So, why are you up so early?

LORELAI: I have - chores.

LUKE: It's six o'clock in the morning.

LORELAI: Well, it's early morning chores.

LUKE: What's early morning chores?

LORELAI: You know. Just milking cows, feeding chickens. Slopping pigs.

LUKE: You have to slop pigs.

LORELAI: Well, they're certainly not going to slop themselves!

LUKE: You're being evasive.

LORELAI: I'm not being evasive. I'm trying to remain mysterious so you still find me interesting a hundred years from now.

LUKE: Why won't you tell me where you're going?

LORELAI: Well, I'm going to the flower mart.

LUKE: Why?

LORELAI [takes a deep breath]: Because I'm meeting Sookie there because we were going to, uh, get ideas for flowers for the wedding.

LUKE: Oh.

LORELAI: That is now postponed.

LUKE: Right.

LORELAI: But I forgot to call her last night because I - did. And, uh, she's there now, waiting for me to pick out flowers.

LUKE: Sorry.

LORELAI: No. Hey, it's my bad. I should have called her last night.

LUKE: No, I meant I'm sorry about - [He sighs.] You need a ride?

LORELAI: No. [She stares at the floor.] So, I should go. She's probably already there, and -

LUKE: Right. Go.

LORELAI: Okay.

LUKE: I'll see you later.

LORELAI: Yes, yes you will.

LUKE: Um, can I help?

LORELAI: Help what?

LUKE: Help you.

LORELAI: Help me what?

LUKE: Cancel stuff.

LORELAI [breathes sharply]: Oh.

LUKE: I mean, you shouldn't have to do this all by yourself.

LORELAI: No, it's fine. I'm a great canceller. I'm so smooth. People think I'm still going to show up. I'm good.

LUKE: But -

LORELAI: But I should really get going. I'll see you later?

LUKE: Tonight.

LORELAI: Yeah. [Jokingly] Unless I cancel. [Luke laughs.] Just kidding. I'm not going to cancel - oops. [She turns to grab something from the dresser.] Go back to sleep.

LUKE [gets out of bed]: Hold on. [He walks over to give her a hug. In the dark, their heads bump together.] Oh! God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to -

LORELAI [holding her nose]: It's fine. It's okay. It hurts so good, as Mr. Mellencamp says. Is it bleeding?

LUKE: No, no.

LORELAI: Okay. [Luke sighs.] That's okay. I'll see you. [She pats his arm and leaves.]

OPENING CREDITS

FLOWER MART

[Sookie is leading a flower guy around, asking him questions.]

SOOKIE: And what are those called?

FLOWER GUY: Bluebells.

SOOKIE: Ooh! Bluebells! That sounds fancy. And what are those?

FLOWER GUY: Fairy wings.

SOOKIE: Fairy wings! So romantic. Do they smell good? [She leans over to smell them.] Oh. Terrible. Fairy wings smell like a very different part of the fairy if you know what I mean. [He nods.]

LORELAI: Sookie!

SOOKIE: Hi! Don't smell the fairy wings.

LORELAI: Don't what?

SOOKIE [giggles]: Never mind.

LORELAI: Um, sorry I'm so late.

SOOKIE: That is okay. Gave me a chance to scope out the place. Sharon over there has great stuff but she's completely anti-haggle. 'This is my price and you will pay it!' You know what, Sharon, this is me, walking away from you, over to Miguel's, who's very haggle-friendly. But his roses suck. Do you want roses?

LORELAI: Sookie.

SOOKIE: Because if you don't, I saw some bluebells over at Chen's that I know are not the normal bouquet kind of choice, but I think we can make something interesting out of them.

LORELAI: Sookie.

SOOKIE: Yes.

LORELAI: The wedding has been postponed.

SOOKIE [face falls]: What did you do?

LORELAI: What did I do?

SOOKIE: Did you get cold feet? You can't get cold feet! We need to put some nice wool socks on those feet because Luke is perfect for you!

LORELAI: I know.

SOOKIE: He waited for you to get over Christopher. He waited for you to get over Max.

LORELAI [warning]: Sookie.

SOOKIE: Why do you do this? Why do you want to make yourself miserable?

LORELAI: He has a kid.

SOOKIE: Who has a kid?

LORELAI: Luke has a kid.

SOOKIE [not getting it]: Luke has a kid.

LORELAI [slower]: Luke has a kid.

SOOKIE: A kid like a goat?

LORELAI: A kid like a daughter! She's twelve years old, he found out a few months ago and he just told me about it yesterday.

SOOKIE: Holy moly.

LORELAI: He's completely in shock. And he's trying to handle it the best way he can.

SOOKIE: Drinking?

LORELAI: No.

SOOKIE: Xanax?

LORELAI: No! He's trying to be a father and I applaud that.

SOOKIE: So, for twelve years Luke's had a daughter out there, just walking around!

LORELAI: Yeah.

SOOKIE: That's crazy! Oh, my God.

LORELAI: What?

SOOKIE: I wonder if Jackson has a love child.

LORELAI: What?

SOOKIE: I saw this kid wandering around town the other day. He looked exactly like Jackson. And his voice was exactly like Jackson's! Plus, he was holding a banana, so I think he likes fruit!

LORELAI: Sookie, Jackson doesn't have a son he doesn't know about.

SOOKIE: Why not? Luke has a daughter he didn't know anything about.

LORELAI: I know.

SOOKIE: Hey, you think Luke's the only one with a past? You think Jackson was a monk when I met him? He had seed and he passed it around.

LORELAI: Sookie.

SOOKIE: Sorry. Right! Sorry. So how's Luke?

LORELAI: He's just trying to deal. I mean, he wants to do the right thing by April. That's her name. April.

SOOKIE: Pretty name.

LORELAI: Yeah, he's just trying to figure everything out and the wedding was coming up so fast, we just decided to postpone it for a while.

SOOKIE: That sucks.

LORELAI: No, it's okay. It's fine. I just have calls to make, you know? I mean, all the plans were made.

SOOKIE: I'm a great dialer. What do you need?

LORELAI: I have to call the printer and the caterer and the photographer and the - [she sighs] and the church. The perfect church that only had one date available. I knew it was all too easy. I knew there had to be a catch.

SOOKIE: No, there was not a catch. Luke will get over the shock of this and he'll figure things out and everything will be back to big 'go-go-go' again.

LORELAI: Yeah, I know. Luke will figure it out. Everything will calm down.

SOOKIE: That's right.

LORELAI: I mean, it's all so fresh right now. No one's thinking straight.

SOOKIE: No, they're not.

LORELAI: I mean, he could wake up tomorrow and feel completely differently about things, or, you know, next week maybe.

SOOKIE [nodding]: Maybe.

LORELAI: You know, maybe I shouldn't cancel everything right away. I mean, I still have some time before I lose my deposit on the hall. Maybe I should just chill out and, and see what happens. Is that crazy?

SOOKIE: No. It's not crazy at all.

LORELAI: Okay. Then [unsure] I'll wait?

SOOKIE: Once more with feeling?

LORELAI: Okay, then I'll wait.

SOOKIE: Okay.

LORELAI: Oh, it's early. Let's get some coffee. [They walk off. Sookie rubs Lorelai's shoulder.] Hey, are you talking about that Arnaz kid?

SOOKIE: Yes! That's the one!

LORELAI: Boy, he does talk like Jackson.

SOOKIE: I know. And he even gets louder at the end of his sentences!

LORELAI: That's weird.

SOOKIE: I told you so.

YALE CAMPUS

[Rory is walking around reading, oblivious to the people around her. She nearly runs into a man, but he is yanked out of the way just in time by the woman he's talking to. They glare after her, but she keeps walking.]

LOGAN [OS]: Stop!

[Rory stops walking.]

LOGAN: Look.

[Rory looks down at the trash can she was about to run into.]

RORY: I don't remember that being there yesterday.

LOGAN: Yesterday you came from the other way so you missed the trash can but you almost took out the bike rack.

RORY: Thank God I have a guardian angel hanging out by the coffee kiosk.

LOGAN: Well, it's the only place that's safe to stand with a maniac like you walking around. Plus, here I'm guaranteed to run into you at least three times a day. Your usual. [He hands her a coffee.]

RORY: You've been hanging out at this coffee cart every day for a week.

LOGAN: Yes, it's sad. I'm officially a wuss. If I saw me doing this, I'd beat the crap out of myself.

RORY: You have nothing better to do with your time?

LOGAN: Nothing better than to try and get you back? No.

RORY: You're too slick for your own good, Huntzberger.

LOGAN: Excuse me, but this is not slick. This is a Nora Ephron movie. Louis Armstrong should be warbling as we talk. So come on. Please. Put me out of my misery. You promised you'd let me take you to dinner.

RORY: How about Thursday night?

LOGAN [wary]: Really?

RORY: Yeah. I'll have turned in my article for the Daily News, and my Friday morning history class is cancelled this week.

LOGAN: Okay, great. Thursday it is, seven thirty. Do not think of backing out, because I will cry and eat a pint of Rocky Road while watching 'An Affair to Remember' with Rita Wilson.

RORY: Of course.

LOGAN: Seven thirty?

RORY: Can't wait. [She begins walking away and glances down at her notebook.]

LOGAN [calls after her]: Eyes on the road!

[Rory smiles and keeps walking.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE

[Lorelai opens the front door and enters with a large bag of dog food.]

LORELAI: Paul Anka! Mommy's home, and she comes bearing kibble! [She drops the bag.] Hey, where are you? [She closes the door and waits, listening.] Oh, no. What have you done? You're hiding. That means you've done something weird. [She walks into the living room and sees the mess.] Oh, seriously? You know, some dogs dig! It might be a nice change of pace. [She checks the answering machine and walks over to the pile of books spread across the floor. She bends over and starts to clean up as Babette's voice comes through the answering machine.]

BABETTE [on the machine]: Hey, sugar! I heard some terrible crashing sound coming from your living room today. I tried to get in, but Luke fixed the back door so you can't jiggle it off the hinge anymore! You should really talk to him about that, sweetie! Anyhow, I hope everything's okay! Call me later if it's not, bye-bye, Toots!

[The machine beeps.]

RICHARD [on the machine]: Lorelai, it's your father. I'm calling to tell you there's been a little mistake with Rory's tuition at Yale. [Lorelai straightens up and looks concerned.] It seems our check was returned to us. For whatever reason, they did not cash it. Now, don't worry. I'm sure it's just some clerical mix-up. I've been on the phone with the bursar's office all morning. [Lorelai walks over and picks up the phone.] I'm currently waiting for a call from a Mrs. Lynwood, and then I'm sure I will get this all cleared up. [Lorelai dials a number.] Tell Rory not to worry. If anyone gives her any trouble, tell them to call me. I will call you later. Good bye,

[Scene cuts to Rory sitting at a table at the Rich Man's Shoe. She is working on her laptop with papers spread across the table. Her cell phone rings.]

RORY: Hey Mom.

LORELAI: Oh, you've got your study voice.

RORY: Yep. It goes with my pop quiz walk and my term paper face.

LORELAI [laughs]: Oh. Five minutes?

RORY: Go.

LORELAI: I just got a call from your grandfather.

RORY: Oh, yeah?

LORELAI: He called to tell me that Yale returned his check. He thinks it's a clerical error.

RORY: Huh.

LORELAI: It's not a clerical error.

RORY: Nope.

LORELAI: They're going to find out, kid.

RORY: Yep.

LORELAI: You getting charged by the word on your calling plan?

RORY: What do you want me to say?

LORELAI: How about what you think we should do?

RORY: Nothing.

LORELAI: Rory, they're going to find out that Christopher's paying for Yale.

RORY: I know.

LORELAI: And they're not going to like it. It's going to go over badly. It's going to be the opening night of Taboo all over again.

RORY: They had to find out eventually, Mom.

LORELAI: Yes, but shouldn't they find out from you, not some office clerk at Yale?

RORY: What's the worst that could happen? We won't be speaking anymore? Gee, that would suck.

LORELAI [surprised]: Wow. Ice, ice, baby.

RORY: Sorry, not trying to be cold. But I don't think I should feel guilty because I want my father to pay for college.

LORELAI: No, you shouldn't. But my parents do have feelings. You saw my mom when the gardener butchered her box hedges.

RORY: Okay, fine. I'll send them an e-mail.

LORELAI: Okay, fine, but you could also call and tell them yourself. Probably only cost you seventy-five, maybe eighty words.

[Rory flips the page in her newspaper and sees a large empty space with the words 'Photo to come - Paris to approve' written across it.]

RORY: Oh, no!

LORELAI: What 'oh, no'? You saw a rat, 'oh, no', or you cut off your thumb 'oh, no'?

RORY: Paris!

LORELAI: Oh, no.

RORY: I'll have to call you back.

[She hangs up and begins gathering up her things.]

YALE DAILY NEWS ROOM

[Paris is yelling at a staff member.]

PARIS: The point is vague!

MAN: The point is not vague!

PARIS: The point is vague! The conclusions are insane!

MAN: The conclusions are John Tompkins', not mine!

[Rory enters and hangs by the door, listening.]

PARIS: The research is sloppy, the sources are unreliable, the font is wrong, the paper feels thin, and the by-line should read 'Story by a petulant two-year-old who had one too many Black and Tans last night and so this is what you people get to read'! Fix it! [She stomps over to the water cooler next to the door, grabs a paper cup and fills it. She gulps it down and grabs a marker, ranting to Rory.] I can't get anyone to write their names on their cups and use them again! Doesn't seem that hard. Open Sharpie, write name.

RORY: Maybe people don't want to reuse a paper cup.

PARIS: Well, then hopefully people who don't want to reuse a paper cup won't mind buying SPF 5000 for their grandkids when the rainforest is gone and the ozone layer's a doily and the human race is bursting into flames!

RORY: Maybe we could just tell everyone to bring a mug for their water.

PARIS: We could! But they won't bring a mug! Just like they won't properly proof their articles or double-check their sources!

RORY: Paris. Did something happen? You seem upset.

PARIS: I'm just dealing with the usual incompetence around here, that's all.

RORY: What happened here? [She holds up the page in the paper that was missing a photo.]

PARIS: Our pictures have sucked eggs lately and so I sent out two photographers to cover the same story. They each came back with about forty of the crappiest pictures ever to be committed to film! Completely unusable.

RORY: It was supposed to be a picture of a football game?

PARIS: I know.

RORY: Well, was there one with a guy in a helmet holding a ball? Because that's really all you need.

PARIS: They were predictable and standard.

RORY: Guy in helmet holding ball.

PARIS: Cover of the Harvard Crimson after the big game? Guy with helmet holding ball. Stamford game, guy in helmet holding ball. I wanted something more, okay? Something that really said something about the game!

RORY: Like 'We forgot to go'?

PARIS: And then, of course, when the temperamental 'artistes' found out I had double-booked the gig, they threw Naomi Campbell-level hissy fits and quit!

RORY: So you just left it blank? Why? To make them look bad? Because it doesn't make them look bad, it makes you look bad.

PARIS: It was up to the sports editor to inform me that no picture was approved.

RORY: You needed someone to remind you that you didn't approve a picture.

PARIS: Hey, I have a million different things I am doing here!

RORY: Paris, we cannot be publishing papers that have blank spots in them! And we cannot have all our photographers quit, because there's not an endless supply of them!

PARIS: Oh, please. How hard is it to look through a hole and push a button? I can do it myself! How are you doing on your story?

RORY: Fine. You'll have it first thing tomorrow morning.

PARIS: Finally. One person I can count on. [She dumps a pile of papers on Bill's desk.] These need more work.

BILL: These are locked.

PARIS: Well, unlock them.

BILL: You've get entire paragraphs cut out. This is hours of work! The paper comes out tomorrow. I'd have to track down every writer, get them in here to re-write -

PARIS: Then track them down because those stories are not going in the paper like that!

[She marches into her cubicle. She has taped cardboard up as doors and a ceiling so it's like a small fort or bunker.]

BILL [to Rory]: She's out of control. She's a mad dictator. She's the kind of dictator they don't just like to kill. She's the kind they like to drag through the streets and then hang from a lamppost for a month and a half.

RORY: Let's just get this paper out. Where's Sheila?

BILL: Sick.

RORY: What about Joni?

BILL: Sick.

RORY: There's an awful lot of sickness going on around here lately.

BILL: Yes. There certainly is. [He picks up the phone.] And there's probably going to be a lot more, very soon. [On the phone.] Michelle? Bill. Well, I just talked to Paris, and you know what that means. [Pause.] Easy! Just the messenger!

[Paris, carrying some papers, kicks open the 'door' to her cubicle and marches over to the desk of the man she was arguing with earlier. She stands in front of him and rips the papers and half, throwing them in the air. She returns to her cubicle. He makes frustrated, defeated gestures.]

LORELAI’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

[Lorelai is sitting at the table. She picks up the phone and dials a number, sighing. Scene cuts to Richard's study.]

RICHARD [picking up the ringing phone]: Hello?

LORELAI: Hi, Dad, it's Lorelai.

EMILY [on another line]: Lorelai?

LORELAI: Mom.

RICHARD: Emily?

EMILY: Richard?

LORELAI: Rowan? Martin?

RICHARD: Lorelai called me, Emily.

EMILY: She did? What for?

RICHARD: I don't know, she hasn't told me yet.

EMILY: Lorelai, why did you call your father?

LORELAI: Well, I just wanted to know how he was doing.

RICHARD: I'm doing fine.

LORELAI: Very glad to hear that. [She pauses.]

RICHARD: All right. It's good of you to check in.

EMILY: Good bye, Lorelai.

LORELAI: Whoa, guys, wait.

RICHARD: Is there more?

LORELAI: More than the nothing there just was? Yes. There's more.

EMILY: Hurry up, please. I'm meeting Bill Chandler at the club and I'm late.

LORELAI: Okay. [She takes a deep breath.] Well, I just wanted to tell you that there was no mistake with your Yale check.

RICHARD: There wasn't?

LORELAI: No, um. They sent you back your check because Yale has already been paid for.

EMILY: By whom?

LORELAI [cheerily]: By Christopher!

EMILY: Christopher who?

LORELAI: Christopher Isherwood. That Cabaret money was burning a hole in his pocket and you know one Christopher, Mom! [After a pause] His grandfather passed away recently and left him some money and he just wanted to do something for Rory! He was trying to be a dad for once. I thought it seemed like a good idea.

[Emily hangs up her phone fiercely.]

LORELAI: Hello? Guys, are you there?

RICHARD [quietly]: I'm here, Lorelai. Your mother had to go.

LORELAI: Oh, Dad, please don't read too much into this. I mean, when was the last time Christopher wanted to do anything for Rory? He wants to contribute. This is a good thing! This is not a snub. Dad, I swear. Rory and I are so grateful for everything you and Mom have done. All the help you've given her. She would not be at Yale right now if it weren't for you, and she would never have gone to Chilton. She would have graduated Stars Hollow High and then gone to a community college and then beauty school!

RICHARD: I have to go, Lorelai.

LORELAI: Dad.

RICHARD: I appreciate the phone call. I simply wish it had come before I called every person in the bursar's office a moron.

LORELAI: Well, if it'll make you feel any better, you know, odds are at least two of them truly deserved it.

[Richard chuckles.]

YALE DINING HALL

[Rory and Lorelai walk through the tables. Lorelai is wearing a very colorful hat and scarf and they are carrying coffee cups.]

LORELAI: I can't believe you didn't dress crazy like we agreed.

RORY: We never agreed to dress crazy.

LORELAI: What are you talking about? We did so! On the phone last night when we made our lunch plans.

RORY: You saying 'hey, let's dress crazy' does not equate to us agreeing to dress crazy.

LORELAI [sadly]: For years it did.

RORY: Well, for years you bought my clothes for me so I had very little choice in the matter.

LORELAI [scoffs]: So typical. Kid grows up, goes to a fancy school, becomes a snob and is suddenly ashamed of her mother. You totally Mildred Pierce-d me.

[They are outside now.]

RORY: I did not Mildred Pierce you.

LORELAI: Oh, you'll miss me when I'm gone.

RORY: Oh my God.

LORELAI: Just an observation, food here has gotten worse. [She sees the coffee kiosk.] Oh, coffee!

RORY: You have coffee in your hand.

LORELAI: I know, but by the time she makes a new one the old one will be gone.

RORY: Okay, two please.

LORELAI: Two double cappuccinos, please.

[Rory hands the coffee lady her meal card.]

RORY: Thanks for having lunch with me.

LORELAI: Well, you paid.

RORY: So guess what?

LORELAI: What?

RORY: I'm having dinner with Logan tonight.

LORELAI: So he finally wormed his way back in, huh?

RORY: He did at that.

LORELAI: Is he taking you someplace fabulous?

RORY: Odds are.

LORELAI: Want to borrow my scarf?

RORY: Wait for the wedding night.

LORELAI: You got it. [The coffee lady hands them their coffees. They throw out the original coffee cups.] Oh, thank you, ma'am. Well, I talked to your grandparents last night.

RORY: Oh, so now they're my grandparents.

LORELAI: I told them about Yale.

RORY: Good.

LORELAI: Good?

RORY: I'm glad.

LORELAI: You're glad I told them, or you're glad they know?

RORY: Both.

LORELAI: So you want to know how they took it?

RORY: Nope.

LORELAI: They took it great. Mom practically broke the phone, she hung up so hard, and Dad, well, Dad was solemn. Quiet. Sad. It was a huge success. [Rory presses her lips together and shrugs.] Okay, here's how I see it. You and your grandparents are at a huge crossroads. A precipice, if you will. They are the Bridges of Madison County and you are Meryl Streep.

RORY: As the paper pages go flying off the calendar -

LORELAI: Hey! Listen to me! I'm serious here. I know you and your grandparents are playing the 'who can freeze out who the longest', which I know can be fun, but if you ever hope to have a relationship with them again then someone needs to make the first move. I remember the first Christmas after we left Hartford, we were at the Independence Inn and I got an invitation to their annual Christmas party, and I didn't go. And that one move defined our entire future relationship! I mean, if I'd gone it would have been awful, but I would have broken the ice and maybe, and I know this is a big maybe, but maybe we would have been a tad closer than we are now, or could ever hope to be.

RORY: Maybe. Maybe not.

LORELAI: I just know how much you love your grandparents. And how important to you it was to have a relationship with them. And I don't want the fact that you inherited my stubbornness to screw all that up.

RORY: Okay, I hear you.

LORELAI: Do you? Because my scarf is screaming as loud as it can.

RORY: I will think about it.

LORELAI: All right. Well, you have 'till six forty-five Friday night and then we're having dinner with them.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: I made the plans last night.

RORY: But -

LORELAI: Come on, Rory! Friday night dinners, cocktails, Mozart, mind games. Good times.

RORY: Yeah, but I'm not so sure about this. I mean -

LORELAI: Rory, Mom already said she's really into this. You can't back out now.

RORY: She is?

LORELAI: Yeah.

RORY: Grandma said she was into this?

LORELAI: Well, you know, she didn't say it like that. She said [in a squawking British accent] 'Oh! Dinner with Rory, how delightful! Yes, spit spot, alert the Corgis!'

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: Yes, yes, she's into it. Now what do you say?

RORY: Okay.

LORELAI: Okay? [She smiles proudly.] Want to wear my scarf to dinner? [Rory rolls her eyes.] I know you do!

YALE DAILY NEWS ROOM

[The room is mostly dark and empty. Rory walks in, dressed for her date with Logan.]

RORY: Bill.

BILL [leaned back in his chair, feet on the desk and reading a magazine]: Well, look who's all dressed up for the ball.

RORY: I sent in my story this morning, I never got a confirmation call. Did you get it?

BILL: Yep.

RORY: Well, no one called me in for a final edit. And I need to finish this up now, I have a date tonight. So, who is the copy editor on my piece?

BILL: That would be Michael.

RORY: Well, where is Michael? [Looking around] And everyone else?

BILL: Well, let's see. The sports department, city department, entertainment department and feature department, other than you, have quit. Michael quit, Sylvia quit, Joni quit, Sheila's sick tonight, but as soon as she's better, she's going to quit.

RORY: Great!

BILL: Oh, I'm not done. The senior editor quit, the entire copy department quit. The little fellow who brought around sandwiches in a basket quit.

RORY: Okay, fine. I get it. Everyone quit.

BILL: Not everyone, but close. It was quite an exodus. Very biblical. All that was missing were the Kabbalah bracelets and the matzah.

RORY: Whatever. We'll figure that out later. Right now I just need to finish my article, so I guess you and I can do it together.

BILL: We could, but I quit too.

RORY: What?

BILL: Right after Joni. I bowed out. I actually bowed. Physically bowed.

RORY: Well, if you quit then what are you doing here?

BILL: Are you kidding? I'm going to have a ringside seat for the event of the century. Tonight will be the first time ever, in the history of the Yale Daily News, that the paper does not come out.

RORY: Very nice.

BILL: D-day? The paper came out. Kennedy gets shot? The paper comes out. But three months of the Gellar Reign of Terror, and the whole damn institution comes tumbling down.

RORY: You suck, Bill. [She walks over to Paris' "bunker" and peeks in the door.] Paris?

[She opens the door and goes in. All the walls are covered in paper. It's dark except for a small desk lamp and the computer monitor.]

RORY: Holy crap.

PARIS [calmly]: I can't talk now.

RORY: What happened to this place? There's no air in here or light. Or - where are your fire exits? You love fire exits.

PARIS: No one can write a lead. No one!

RORY: Paris, do you have any idea what's going on out there?

PARIS: I can't think about that now.

RORY: Half the staff has quit! No, more than half the staff has quit, and there's no one out there working!

PARIS: There's no one out there working when there's people out there working! [She nods.] Ship of fools.

RORY: Paris, the paper's not going to come out.

PARIS: Of course it is.

RORY: How? Nothing's done.

PARIS: I'm working on it!

RORY: Alone?

PARIS: I can do it alone! I've been doing it alone for months! No man is an island, but this woman is.

RORY: But Paris!

PARIS: I've got it all scheduled out! As long as I stick to the schedule, everything's going to be fine. I'm finishing up a review of the drama club's production of Sweeney Todd now, then nine-thirty to ten I'm going to finalize the layout! [She picks up her schedule, shaking.] Ten to eleven, copy editing, eleven to twelve-thirty -

RORY: Let me see that. [She snatches the pages from Paris.] Paris, there's like a hundred hours of work on this, and five hours till the paper comes out!

PARIS: I'll get it done.

RORY: Well, you'd better get bitten by that radioactive spider pretty damn fast here!

PARIS: I'll get it done! I just have to focus and stop allowing myself to be distracted!

RORY: Paris!

PARIS [screams]: Don't distract me!

[She takes a pair of earmuffs out of her filing cabinet and puts them on, glaring at Rory. Rory stands up. When she emerges from the cubicle. Bill is leaning against his desk playing with a yo-yo. She steps into the middle of the room and claps loudly.]

RORY: Okay! Everyone, listen up! We have work to do! You, t-shirt, you're doing layout. And you, saggy pants, get all the heeler's numbers, call them and tell them to get in here. They've just been promoted. And Tali, [she bangs on a desk to wake her up] I need Sheila and Joni's numbers ASAP! Come on, people! Move! We've got a paper to get out!

[She picks up the phone as the few people spring into action.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE

[Lorelai and Sookie enter the front door.]

SOOKIE: I just think that if Michel had somebody to come home to, he might go home.

LORELAI: Oh, he's been driving me crazy about turning the stable into a spa.

SOOKIE: What would we do with the horses?

LORELAI: Well, we'd work them in. We'd have the first hot hoof massage on the east coast.

SOOKIE: 'Cause they've already got them in California.

LORELAI: Yeah.

SOOKIE [giggles]: Hi, Paul Anka!

LORELAI [bends down to greet him]: You haven't done anything weird yet today, I see. Do you remember Sookie?

SOOKIE: Hi, Paul Anka! You're going to come spend the night with me! [To Lorelai] You sure this is okay?

LORELAI: Yeah, it's fine.

SOOKIE: We think a dog would be good for Davey. He loves them. I just want to make sure that Jackson and I are dog people first.

LORELAI: Oh, you are!

SOOKIE [hesitantly]: Mm. I mean, I know babies, but dogs -

LORELAI: Are just furry babies. Here, keep him occupied for a sec.

[Sookie sits and baby-talks to him while Lorelai sneakily gets his leash from the corner and holds it behind her back.]

SOOKIE: Hi! Paul Anka! You want to come have a sleepover at my house? Huh? [To Lorelai] What are you doing?

LORELAI: Uh, he freaks out if he sees his leash. You have to make sure you hide it from him and make sure he doesn't see you putting it on him.

SOOKIE: How is he once he's on the leash?

LORELAI: Oh, he's totally fine having his personal freedom slowly stripped away, as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening. Just like a true American. He's all yours.

SOOKIE: Thanks! Come on, Paul Anka! Come on, we're going to have fun tonight, yes we are!

[Lorelai walks over and presses the button on the answering machine.]

LUKE [on the machine]: Hey, it's me. I hope you had a good day with Rory. I would have called you earlier but I didn't want to interrupt the fun, so I thought I'd try you at home, but you're not at home. Anyhow, April is coming to the diner tonight from five to eight, so I'll see you here after eight. [Lorelai appears uncomfortable.] Okay, Bye.

SOOKIE [softly]: After eight.

LORELAI: Yeah, that's what he said.

SOOKIE: So I guess you two decided that you're not going to see the kid.

LORELAI: Yeah, I guess we did.

SOOKIE: Hey, if we get a dog we're going to name it Chef, get it? 'Cause I'm a cook!

LORELAI: Oh, cool.

SOOKIE: You want me to leave Paul Anka?

LORELAI [glum]: No, take him. I'm great.

SOOKIE: You are?

LORELAI: Yeah, I think that's what we decided.

SOOKIE [to Paul Anka]: Come on, come on.

LORELAI: Bye, hon.

[Sookie and Paul Anka leave.]

STARS HOLLOW STREET

[Lorelai walks toward the diner. She stops at Taylor's Soda Shoppe to see why there is such a long line.]

KIRK [working at the counter]: One sample per person, people. One sample only. Don't make me use the candy thermometer on you.

[Lorelai steps in and peeks through the window into Luke's diner. The woman next to her glares at her.]

WOMAN: Hey! There's a line.

LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just - [She points at the window, but the woman interrupts.]

WOMAN: I know what you were doing.

LORELAI: No, I wasn't doing anything.

MAN [behind the woman]: You're trying to shove in for the free chocolate.

LORELAI: I wasn't trying to shove in - free chocolate? Really?

KIRK: European hot chocolate. It's like mud, but chocolaty.

WOMAN: And you were trying to shove in the line for the -

BABETTE [appears behind Lorelai]: Oh, can it, Ruthie! When your foot's not in your mouth, you don't know what to do with yourself! Come on, sugar! [She pulls Lorelai to the front of the line.]

LORELAI [protesting]: Oh, but there's -

BABETTE [to Kirk]: Two, Kirk!

KIRK: You'll have to wait in line like -

BABETTE [grabs two sample cups from the counter]: Here, doll. Cheers.

LORELAI: Cheers.

BABETTE: Oh, Patty, did I tell you about Tillie's new face lift? Scotch tape!

[Babette joins Miss Patty, while Lorelai walks over to the table by the window and sits down, watching Luke bring April a piece of toast. They smile at each other, meanwhile Lorelai looks very left out. Babette and Miss Patty join her on either side.]

BABETTE: What are we looking at?

LORELAI [jumps]: Oh, I don't -

MISS PATTY: Oh, I know what we're looking at! [Gushes] We're looking at Luke and his daughter!

LORELAI [shocked]: How did you know that -

BABETTE: Oh, please. That was page one news around here for a week! So what's the scoop?

LORELAI: Oh, well, I don't know.

MISS PATTY: Well, all we know is that she's twelve years old and that she's seeking him out.

BABETTE: I heard her mother was that Nardini girl. Remember her?

MISS PATTY: Oh, yeah. She was beautiful!

BABETTE: What's she look like now?

LORELAI: I don't know.

MISS PATTY: You don't?

LORELAI: Well, I haven't really met -

BABETTE: You know, Luke was pretty serious about her. He tell you about them?

LORELAI: No, but I don't tell him about my boyfriends either.

MISS PATTY: Well, no, because he's met all of them already!

LORELAI: He hasn't met all of them! Some.

BABETTE: Most.

MISS PATTY: Well, what's the kid like?

BABETTE: Yeah, you get along?

LORELAI: Oh, well, we will.

MISS PATTY: You mean, you don't now?

BABETTE: That's to be expected.

MISS PATTY: She looks like a reader. Is she a reader?

BABETTE: Can you imagine Luke with a reader?

MISS PATTY: Oh, I can't imagine Luke with a daughter!

BABETTE: Can you imagine Luke with a kid!

MISS PATTY: Oh, my God! I can't believe that! Luke has a kid! Can you believe Luke has a kid?

LORELAI [fed up]: Well, he's not a hundred-year-old eunuch or anything!

RUTHIE [butts her head in]: There's other people here who would like a table!

BABETTE: We're busy. Go lick the empties.

RUTHIE: Busy doing what?

LORELAI: Nothing, nothing, nothing.

MISS PATTY: We're looking at Luke's kid.

LORELAI: Patty!

MISS PATTY: Well, honey, everyone knows.

RUTHIE: That's her?

ANOTHER WOMAN: Whose kid?

MISS PATTY: Up at the counter.

BABETTE: Lorelai was just about to give us the inside scoop.

LORELAI: I was not about to give you the -

MISS PATTY: So do they want money?

LORELAI: I don't - think so.

MISS PATTY: Do you think that Luke's going to get a lawyer? Does he want custody?

[At this point a large crowd has gathered around Lorelai, staring through the window. They don't seem to notice how upset Lorelai is getting.]

LORELAI: I don't know. He could -

RUTHIE: Are you sure that's his kid? She's reading.

KIRK: You're clogging up the flow here!

MISS PATTY: We're looking at Luke's kid.

KIRK: So that's Luke's kid! Well, well, well. What is she reading? A book?

[Babette laughs.]

LORELAI [quietly excusing herself]: Excuse me - I just have to - pardon me. Yeah.

[She leaves. The crowd doesn't notice and continues staring at Luke and April. Luke, leaning over April and her homework, glances over and sees everyone staring. He stands up, surprised, and then shakes his head, resigned to the town's scrutiny.]

YALE DAILY NEWS ROOM

[Rory rushes around.]

RORY: Okay. [She places a paper on a guy's desk and points to it.] No, yes, done, go. And triple-check the changes. Make sure it makes sense. [She walks over to Joni's desk.] How're we doing?

JONI [her head in her hands]: I have a very strong opinion that I have no opinion on the opinion piece.

RORY: And the subject is?

JONI: Hand-blowers in the bathrooms.

RORY: And the Pulitzer prize goes to? Just make sure it's done in twenty minutes. [She continues her rounds.]

SHEILA [panicked]: Printer's on the phone, we're losing our spot!

RORY [takes the phone]: Hello, who am I speaking to? Hello, Russell, this is Rory Gilmore. What's this I hear about us losing our spot? Yes. Well, we had an epidemic hit our staff this week, and unfortunately it has put us a bit behind. However, we are quickly getting back on track, and maybe, considering the circumstances, you could cut us a little slack. Give us a bit of an extension. I know, but we've never asked for it before and we will never ask for it again! By the way, you sound like a very handsome man, Russell. Do you work out? Yes, I'm using my wiles, and everything else I can to get you to - one hour. I'll take it. Thank you, Russell. You have a slightly inappropriate Christmas card coming your way this year. Bye. [She hangs up and announces to the group.] We have a one hour extension! [They cheer. Someone approaches her with a sheet of photos. She points.] That one, and use them both if we need to fill space. [She walks over to Bill's desk, where he is still playing with his yo-yo. She picks up a pair of scissors and cuts the string.]

BILL: Hey! I was cat's cradling!

RORY: Bill, get your ass out of that chair and work! Or get your ass out of that chair and leave. Either way get your ass out of that chair.

BILL: I am not interested in helping Paris do anything.

RORY: Well, you wouldn't be helping Paris, you'd be helping me!

BILL: Fine. But if Punxsutawney Phil sticks her head out of her hole, I am out of here.

RORY: Interested in some desking?

BILL: I'm on it!

GUY [stands frantically]: The computer crashed again!

RORY: Unplug it and plug it back in. If that doesn't work, call IT and get someone over here now!

[She turns around to see Logan standing there, looking slightly amused.]

RORY: Oh my God. Our date! I am so sorry! Paris melted down and everyone quit and the paper wasn't going to come out, and I only found out about it because no one called me to confirm they got my story, so I called in all the heelers, and I got Sheila and Joni to come in, and I called Pete who said he was sick, but I threatened his job so he came in, but he was really sick so I had to send him home so he didn't get everyone else sick. Plus, the printers are trying to give our time away, the computers keep crashing and then there's the tiny little detail of nothing's done and D-day the paper came out, and I forgot. I'm sorry.

LOGAN [smiles]: I can't believe you didn't call me!

RORY: I know, but it's just paper stuff.

LOGAN: I know. I'm on the paper.

RORY: But you hate it here.

LOGAN: So what? I know this crap backwards and forwards. I can't believe you didn't think to call me.

RORY: Well, I'm sorry. I just didn't think you were interested.

LOGAN: Well then, I guess you don't know everything, now, do you? So come on. What do you got here?

RORY: Well, this is an article on Greenspan. He gave an interview with all this technical economic jargon -

LOGAN: I know the jargon. I'll take this. [He points to the rest of the articles in her hand.] Are these proofed?

RORY: Yeah, but they're not typed in yet.

LOGAN: I'll do that. It'll be faster, I type ninety words a minute.

RORY: You do?

LOGAN: You really did only like me for my looks, huh? How are you doing on content?

RORY: Uh, still a little short.

LOGAN: Okay. I've got a couple stories banked that I didn't give Paris. They're in pretty decent shape. You can take a look at them.

RORY [impressed]: Okay!

LOGAN: And just remember, if you still need material, just cannibalize everything you have ready for Friday's issue and use it for tonight.

RORY: Robbing Peter to pay Paul.

LOGAN: Peter's asking for it. Okay. So who do you have desking?

RORY: Bill.

LOGAN: I'd throw Sheila on there with him. It'll hurt his ego and make him work faster. Okay, I'll be over here if you need me, and [to Bill] get that yo-yo off the floor! Somebody's going to break their neck!

[Bill leans over and picks it up. Logan walks over to a desk and Rory smiles after him.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE - BEDROOM

[Luke walks out of the bathroom, drying his hands. Lorelai is sitting in bed.]

LUKE: I mean, can you believe she reads? I have a kid who reads. Crazy! [Lorelai smiles uncomfortably.] She sat there for hours doing her homework. Geometry! That's some crazy stuff. I actually bought a book, Geometry for Dummies. I stashed it in the kitchen and run back there every time she asked a question, thinking I could keep up with her. But I can't figure out what the hell it says! I mean, it's just this mess of weird symbols and shapes - I wonder if there's another book I could get.

LORELAI: Um, Geometry for Dummies for Dummies?

LUKE [returning to the bathroom]: Yes, exactly.

LORELAI: Luke, she has teachers. All you have to do is nod and smile. That's what I did with Rory.

LUKE: I just want her to - you know. Not be embarrassed I'm her dad.

LORELAI [sincerely]: Impossible!

LUKE: Well, step by step, you know? First step, making sure she's comfortable around me.

LORELAI: She sure seems to be. [She glances down.] I mean, you know, because she's coming here and hanging out at the diner. She wouldn't do that if she was uncomfortable.

LUKE: Yeah, well, she's going to be, with this village of idiots I live in. Do you know, tonight, she comes to the diner, right? She's sitting at the counter doing her homework, there. I look over at the Soda Shoppe, and the whole damn town is staring through the window at us!

LORELAI: No!

LUKE: Oh, yeah, like we're monkeys in a zoo. I could have killed them all.

LORELAI: That's terrible. What happened?

LUKE: Nothing. She didn't notice anything. She was too busy studying! I just couldn't believe those people. I mean, can't they get that this is a private thing? I'm trying to get to know my kid. I mean, you understand. You're not all over me about this. You get that we need some alone time.

LORELAI: Oh, yeah I do. I totally do.

LUKE: Thank you. [He kisses her.]

LORELAI: Sure, anytime.

[He turns back to the bathroom. She smiles and then glances down, frustrated.]

YALE DAILY NEWS ROOM

[The group is crowded around Logan's computer.]

RORY: Did we verify the dean of admissions' quote?

LOGAN: Twice. How are we doing on time?

BILL: Uh, bad.

LOGAN: More specifically?

SHEILA: Ten minutes?

RORY: We'll make it!

LOGAN: We will make it. Spelling on names. Cheever's name? C-H-

JONI: -E-E-V-E-R-S.

LOGAN: You're sure about the double E's?

JONI: Not at all.

LOGAN: Two E's it is. Okay, and I'm done!

RORY: Close out. I'll cut and paste it to the final copy.

LOGAN: Closing out! [He leans back.] Wow, so that's what hard work feels like! Apparently I've been avoiding it for a reason. Are you in, Ace?

RORY: I'm in, proceeding with the cut and paste now. [The phone rings. Bill grabs it.]

BILL: Yale Daily News.

LOGAN: Aw, man.

RORY: Why are you smiling?

LOGAN: I'm just thinking about the hundreds of different ways you owe me for this.

RORY: I owe you nothing. You did this for the greater good, for the glory of the paper.

LOGAN: For a foot massage.

GUY: Are we close?

RORY: Very very close!

BILL [lowering the telephone receiver]: Well, kids, hold on to your hats. We are losing our printing time.

RORY: No! Remind Russell about the Christmas card!

BILL: I don't think he cares. He's giving it to the Current.

RORY: No, he can't!

BILL: He did.

[Everyone sighs and complains.]

RORY: So that's it? We just lose? After all this work, we just lose!

LOGAN [gets up]: Keep typing, Ace.

RORY: Why? What's the point?

LOGAN: Type! [He grabs the receiver from Bill.]

BILL: Well, I guess you'll be talking on the phone now.

LOGAN: Go away, Bill. Hey, who am I speaking with? Russell! I'm Logan Huntzberger. Yes, those Huntzbergers. [He winks at Rory.] It's great to speak with you, too. I hear there's a problem with our printing time? Uh-huh. No, I completely understand. The first thing I learned from my father is that there's no paper unless it gets to the printer on time. [Rory continues to work.] Yes, he is quite a legend, my father. I'd love to introduce you to him some time! Anyway, Russell, the thing is, we actually sent the issue to you already. [Everyone looks at him.] Oh. Yes, at least fifteen minutes ago. Now, if you're having a problem with your server, we shouldn't be penalized for that, right? Yeah, it should be in the system right now. Sure, go check. [Rory signals to him that she needs more time.] But, before you do, if you could spell your name for me, I want to make sure I have the correct pronunciation when I speak with my father. Uh-huh, Russell. Damn. My pen broke. Hold on, I'm looking for a pen. [Several people hold pens out for him. He waves them away, rolling his eyes.] Looking for a pen, looking for a pen.

RORY: Almost there!

LOGAN: Okay, I found a pen. Here we go. What's your name? Russell Smith. [Laughing] Okay, I really didn't need a pen for that one, now did I? Okay, Russell Smith, if you go to your computer, I am definitely... [slowly, stalling as Rory types rapidly] absolutely sure that you will turn it on, and you will see that we, the Yale Daily News, have successfully completed our mission and sent to you our email [Rory shakes her head] containing the latest issue of the... [Rory finishes and raises her arms triumphantly.] It's all there, man. [He waits.]

RORY: What? What's happening?

LOGAN: You got it? All right, great! It's been great speaking with you, too. I'll tell my father. Bye. [He hangs up.] And that's how we do it at the Daily News!

[Rory jumps up and hugs him. Cheers, screams and hugs all around. Paris suddenly emerges from her bunker.]

PARIS [cheery and excited]: All right! We got the paper out! That's what I'm talking about, people, good hustle! Really good hustle! And they said we couldn't do it! Huh? Boy, what a rush! Right? [Everyone rolls their eyes. She returns to her bunker.]

RORY [to Logan]: So, I'm just saying that when that giant asteroid heads toward Earth, I want you in that fighter jet!

LOGAN [pleased]: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

RORY: You saved my ass.

LOGAN: Infinitely worth saving.

RORY: Thank you.

LOGAN: You're welcome.

[Rory leans over and kisses him.]

RORY: So I'm sorry we didn't get our dinner.

LOGAN: We didn't? [Rory shakes her head sadly.] Ah. [He opens a desk drawer and pulls out a brown paper bag.] I thought that we did. [He reaches in again and takes out a bottle of wine, a candle and two wine glasses. He pulls out her chair for her. Rory sits and smiles happily. Logan opens the bag and passes her a sub sandwich.]

RORY: Boy, when you're on - [she laughs.]

ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE

[Lorelai and Rory stand and face the exterior front door.]

LORELAI: Once upon a time there was a big house, with thick glass windows and heavy stone walls and a slightly pornographic fountain in the driveway. And all the animals in the forest were scared of the house 'cause they thought that the house was haunted! And so did all the villagers in the small hamlet of Hartfordshire…ville. 'Maids go in but they never come out!' they would whisper on the street. How are we doing?

RORY [smiles]: Keep going.

LORELAI: One day a beautiful young cowherderess walked by the house -

RORY [frowns]: Cowherderess?

LORELAI: Hey, we could just go in, you know.

RORY: Cowherderess is walking by.

LORELAI: And suddenly she felt the unbearable need for a strand of pearls and a snifter of hundred-year-old Scotch! So, abandoning her cows, she climbed over the high walls and dropped onto the just-redone tiled walkway and rushed toward the enchanted French doors that the Queen had never been happy with because the hardware was not what she had picked and she refused to pay that idiot designer that she hired off of a recommendation and - okay, seriously, this didn't work when you were four. I am not sure why you thought it would do any good now. [Rory smiles and shrugs. Lorelai sighs.] It's going to be fine.

RORY: I know.

[Lorelai puts an arm around Rory and nudges her toward the door.]

LORELAI: Come on, my little cowherderess! Do you want to press the bell or should I?

[Rory presses the bell. Lorelai takes a deep breath. Inside, a maid opens the door for them.]

LORELAI: Hi.

MAID: Hello. Come in.

LORELAI: Oh, thank you. See, we've been invited in. Such a great start, don't you think?

[They take off their coats.]

MAID: May I take your coats?

LORELAI: Oh, yes. Thank you.

MAID: Mr. Gilmore is in the living room.

LORELAI: Mm. [They walk in. Richard is reading.] Hey! Hey, Dad.

RORY: Hi, Grandpa!

RICHARD: Hello, Lorelai. Rory, how nice to see you.

LORELAI: Yeah, you too.

RICHARD: Would you like a drink?

[They nod.]

LORELAI: Yeah, that'd be great. [Richard looks back at his book. Lorelai waits a moment.] I can get it -

RICHARD [holding up a finger]: Just want to finish the sentence. [He closes the book.] Excellent book, shame to put it down. [He gets up and goes to the drink cart.] I hope martinis will be fine.

LORELAI: Oh, better than fine. [They sit.]

RICHARD: Will Rory be having a martini?

LORELAI: Yes, she will.

RORY: A really small one.

LORELAI: Oh, something smells really good, doesn't it, Rory?

RORY: It does, it smells really good!

[Emily enters from the patio door.]

EMILY: Oh. You're here.

LORELAI: Oh, Mom! Where'd you come from?

RORY: Hi Grandma!

EMILY: Hello, Rory. Are you getting them a drink, Richard?

RICHARD: Yes I am, Emily.

LORELAI: Something smells really good, Mom.

EMILY: Oh, good. Well, enjoy your drinks. They're doing a showing for my art class to the DAR and I'm doing a moonscape. I'm just finishing it up out on the patio.

LORELAI: You're painting?

EMILY: I am.

LORELAI: Right now?

EMILY: Well, you never know when inspiration's going to hit. You know, I'm actually getting pretty good, I think I have a shot at a medal. Excuse me.

RICHARD: Two martinis.

LORELAI: Oh, thank you, Dad.

RORY: Boy, that's a serious martini.

RICHARD: Drink what you like, leave the rest. So, what's new?

LORELAI: Oh, um, well, not too much. Um, things at the inn are going well. Uh, business. You know. We're booked up -

RICHARD: My martini's not cold enough. How's yours?

LORELAI: Mine's fine.

RICHARD: I'm going to get new ice and make another batch.

[He gets up and leaves.]

RORY: Grandma's outside painting moonscapes.

LORELAI [enthusiastically]: Well, she thinks she can get a medal!

RORY: I thought you said she wanted me to come!

LORELAI: She did!

RORY: Mom! She is sitting outside in the forty degree weather painting moonscapes so she doesn't have to be inside with me!

LORELAI: That is not the reason!

RORY: Did she or did she not say she wanted us to come over for dinner?

LORELAI [hesitates]: She - did not say it. But I know deep down she does!

RORY: You lied to me!

RICHARD [enters abruptly]: New ice! I can re-shake yours if you like. [Lorelai tries to protest but he takes her drink.]

LORELAI [after a moment]: Hey, Dad, is something wrong?

RICHARD: Wrong?

LORELAI: Yeah. You're suddenly very picky about your ice and Mom's outside painting -

RICHARD: There's nothing wrong, Lorelai.

LORELAI: Is Mom still mad?

RICHARD: Mad at whom?

RORY: Mad at me?

RICHARD: Anger is a useless emotion, Rory. It's a waste of time. Your mother has a shot at a medal. That's all that's going on around here.

LORELAI [stands]: Okay. Right. [She walks to the patio door and opens it a crack.] Mom, could you come in here just for a sec? I'd like to ask you something.

EMILY: Well. [She sets down her brush.] All right. [She walks into the house.]

LORELAI: Can you sit down a minute?

EMILY: Let me go change first.

LORELAI: Sit down first.

EMILY: I can't sit down in my painting clothes.

LORELAI: Why, are they painted on?

EMILY: I'll go upstairs and shower and change and then I'll be back.

LORELAI: Mom!

RICHARD: Now, this ice has a funny taste to it. I'm going to get some more.

LORELAI: Now, come on! You two! Can we please just talk about this?

EMILY: Talk about what?

LORELAI: You're obviously upset about Christopher paying for Yale, and I get it! We should have told you earlier! But let me just explain how it happened!

RORY [stands and joins them]: No. It's my responsibility, let me explain.

EMILY: I don't think anyone needs to explain anything except why I'm not being allowed to clean myself!

RORY: He came to me, Grandma, and he asked if he could do anything and -

RICHARD: This really isn't necessary.

RORY: I let him pay for Yale. He's my father!

[Emily bursts out laughing.]

LORELAI: You know something I don't, Mom?

EMILY: How convenient that he's her father now!

RICHARD: Perhaps your father can reimburse me for the five cases of Scotch I had to send the man in the bursar's office.

RORY: I'm sure he'd be happy to.

EMILY: Do you know what else I find amusing?

LORELAI: Reno 911?

EMILY: I find it very amusing that Christopher's suddenly such a wonderful person!

LORELAI: Mom!

EMILY: It seems to me that when I was in cahoots with him, everyone thought that I was a villain. And now suddenly you're in cahoots with him and that's perfectly fine.

LORELAI: Please don't say cahoots anymore, it's disturbing.

EMILY: You're being a little hypocritical, don't you think?

LORELAI: No, I don't! You were trying to break Luke and me up, and I'm trying to put Rory through college!

RICHARD: Rory was already being put through college by us!

EMILY: That's right.

RORY: I didn't want you to pay for it anymore!

EMILY [points accusingly]: There! There it is!

RICHARD: So, you went to Christopher!

RORY: He came to me!

EMILY: Oh, please! You just wanted to hurt us!

RORY: By taking money from my father?

RICHARD: Yes, exactly!

EMILY: I've had enough of this. I'm going back out to touch up my moonscape.

RICHARD: I have some work to do.

RORY: Fine! I have to go anyhow!

[Richard, Emily and Rory all walk off in different directions.]

LORELAI: Hey! [They stop walking.] This is not going to happen! You're not going back to your moonscape, you're not going back to work and you're not going home! Now, we all agreed to have Friday night dinner, and we're here and I smell dinner. And, yes, apparently there are some issues to be worked out, but no one, and I mean no one is leaving here until we do!

[Cut to the dinner table. Rolls are on the plates. The camera circles around the table.]

RORY [to Emily]: Things were out of control.

EMILY: Not the point. Simply not the -

RORY: It is completely -

RICHARD: Rory! Do not cut your grandmother off!

RORY: Well, I'm just saying -

EMILY: You come running to us, begging us to take you in because you can't possibly deal with your mother!

RORY: That's not what happened.

EMILY: We take you in, we pay to redecorate the pool house so you can have a place all your own -

RORY: I did not ask you to do that!

EMILY: You accepted it! You did not turn it down! I didn't hear you saying 'Grandma, stop.' I didn't see you throw yourself at the decorators while they were putting up your very expensive wallpaper! [Rory rolls her eyes.] And then when you decide you don't like how things are going, you leave!

RICHARD: With no notice, by the way! And you leave two strange boys in our house unsupervised!

EMILY: We're missing two picture frames, by the way.

RORY: Colin and Finn did not steal your picture frames!

RICHARD: Do not raise your voice to your grandmother!

EMILY: I never realized how spoiled you were, Rory. But I guess that's to be expected, only children are always spoiled.

RORY: I'm sorry I didn't leave a note!

EMILY: My, that sounds heartfelt! Doesn't that sound heartfelt, Richard?

RICHARD: Well, I've never been more touched in all my life.

RORY: I apologize, you don't believe it. I try to defend myself and you don't want to hear it. So apparently, there's nothing I can do here!

EMILY: Oh, there's plenty you can do.

RORY: What? What can I do?

EMILY: Well, first of all you can admit what you've done! You can apologize!

RORY: I was just trying to apologize!

LORELAI: Cut her some slack, Mom! Rory was going through something terrible!

EMILY: Life is full of terrible things, Lorelai.

LORELAI: She was emotional. When you're emotional you don't think clearly. I remember a woman who tried to buy a plane when her granddaughter moved out!

EMILY: I tried to timeshare a plane! It is in now way even close to the same thing!

[The maid brings out the salads.]

LORELAI: Uh. I have never been so happy to see a salad in my entire life!

[Later, entrees are on the table.]

LORELAI: Ugh, I can't believe what I'm hearing!

EMILY: If we'd known the extent of the issue we might not have taken Rory in!

LORELAI: I tried to tell you!

EMILY: You did not!

LORELAI: I told you exactly what happened with Mitchum and you didn't want to hear it!

RICHARD: I don't remember that!

EMILY: I don't either!

[Later.]

LORELAI: The Huntzbergers told her she wasn't good enough and Mitchum told her she didn't have it! [Mimicking Richard] He what? [Back to herself] Yes! And now she's dropped out of Yale but between the three of us we can knock some sense into her! [Mimicking Emily] Of course we'll help you! This is not happening! [Richard] I'll call Charlie Davenport tomorrow! [Herself] Thank you, guys, so much! Just thank you! And scene! [She bangs the table impatiently.]

[Later.]

LORELAI: This is really good sorbet.

EMILY: I know, isn't it? Theresa made it herself.

RORY: Mango?

EMILY: Passion fruit.

LORELAI: Delicious.

RICHARD: It certainly is.

[Later. Rory and Lorelai sit at the table drinking coffee while Richard and Emily fight off-screen.]

RICHARD [OS]: What are you thinking, buying an airplane?

EMILY [OS]: I didn't buy it! I looked at it!

RICHARD [OS]: Well, what were you doing looking at a plane?

EMILY: I can look at a plane if I want to look at a plane!

[Later, in the living room with drinks. Everyone laughs as Emily and Richard tell the story.]

EMILY: So I lead her over to the good tables, smiling like we're the best friends in the world, and I tell her, 'Shira, you don't think Rory is good enough to be in your family? She is. We are just as good as you are. After all, you are nothing but a two-bit gold digger and how you managed to bag Mitchum I will never know!’

LORELAI: You did not!

RICHARD: Oh yes she did!

EMILY: I told her Mitchum still plays around!

LORELAI [gasping in shock]: Mom!

RICHARD: Oh, no, no! Tell her exactly what you said!

EMILY: What did I say?

RICHARD: About her weight and [he waves his arm up and down].

EMILY: Oh, yes, yes, I got it! I told her, 'Mitchum still plays around you know. Well, of course you know, that's why your weight goes up and down thirty pounds every three months!’

[They shriek excitedly.]

RICHARD [proudly]: Ruthless woman!

LORELAI: I bow to the foot of the master!

EMILY: I only wished I'd remembered to call her a cocktail waitress!

LORELAI: Ooh, woo, that's my mother's version of the C-word! [She screams and they laugh.]

[Later, with more coffee, Rory follows Emily through the dining room and into the living room, where Lorelai and Richard sit on the couch.]

RORY: I don't want to quit the DAR!

EMILY: Well, too late!

RORY: I was accepted and certified, Grandma, you can't just kick me out!

EMILY: I can too!

RORY: I know the rules backwards and forward and I have done nothing to lose my status except argue with you! Plus, I'm in contact with more members than you are!

EMILY: That is not true!

RORY: And I like more of the members than you do.

EMILY: That is not true!

RORY: I talk to Tweeny Halpurn all the time!

EMILY: What are you doing talking to Tweeny Halpurn?

RORY: I'm friends with Tweeny Halpurn! I'm helping her daughter look at colleges! I'm going to give her a tour of Yale!

EMILY: You have no right to talk to Tweeny Halpurn or anyone else in the DAR! That is my organization!

[She marches out of the room again. Rory follows her.]

RORY: I'm not quitting!

EMILY: Oh, yes, you are!

[Back to Lorelai and Richard on the couch, staring tiredly.]

RICHARD: So, how's Luke?