Épisode La nouvelle rédactrice en chef S06E14

WRITTEN BY JORDAN NARDINO
DIRECTED BY STEPHEN CLANCY

ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM

[The Gilmores are having Friday night dinner.]

LORELAI: The roses are amazing, Mom.

EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai.

RORY: I like them too, Grandma.

EMILY: Thank you, Rory.

RICHARD: You are an expert flower arranger, Emily. Perhaps you missed your calling.

EMILY: Thank you, Richard.

LORELAI [smiles widely]: Well done, everyone. Well done!

EMILY: Oh, stop it, Lorelai.

LORELAI: What? I'm just commenting on how nice and civil that moment was. Never mind. Go on, go on. This is so cute.

[An awkward pause.]

RORY: The roses are nice, Grandma.

LORELAI: Already covered that, move on!

RICHARD: So, Rory. How are things going at Yale? [He says 'Yale' with a lot of meaning.]

RORY: They're fine.

EMILY: I didn't know we were allowed to talk about Yale.

LORELAI: Mom.

RICHARD: Oh, no. We're allowed to talk about it. We're just not allowed to pay for it.

LORELAI: Dad.

EMILY: I wonder if we're allowed to visit it.

LORELAI: Okay, hold on.

RICHARD: Perhaps if we dress in disguise.

LORELAI: Guys!

EMILY: Plastic nose with glasses attached.

LORELAI: Hey, come on. We were doing so well there for a while. And then you had to start with the Yale.

EMILY: So we can't talk about Yale!

RICHARD: I should make a list. What else am I not allowed to discuss in my house?

LORELAI: No, of course you can talk about Yale. Yale is Dad's Alma Mater and Rory goes there, so we have to talk about it, okay? But maybe not now.

EMILY: Fine.

RICHARD: Fine with me.

LORELAI: Now I know a lot of stuff has happened but we all agreed we were going to put all that behind us and just move on, okay? So let's take a step back and, uh, start again. [She smiles at Emily.] And five, four, three, two - those roses are amazing Mom.

EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai.

LORELAI: That-a-girl.

RICHARD [weary]: Your mother has a way with flowers. Perhaps she missed her calling.

LORELAI: Okay, we don't have to have exactly the same conversation we just had.

RICHARD: How am I supposed to know? You said the same thing you said.

LORELAI: I was just getting the ball rolling.

RICHARD: Lorelai, this is my house. I should have some control over what goes on here at some point!

EMILY: You're raising your voice again, Richard!

RICHARD: I am not!

EMILY: You are, and you're raising your voice to me.

RICHARD: Well I'm not allowed to raise it to the people who deserve it! [He glances at Rory.]

LORELAI: Five, four, three, two -

RICHARD [yelling]: I love shrimp! Who else loves shrimp?

RORY: Me!

LORELAI: I'm a fan!

RICHARD: This is ridiculous.

EMILY: Lorelai, how's Luke?

LORELAI: Hey, nice one, Mom.

EMILY: Thank you. [A pause.] Well?

LORELAI [looks up]: What? Oh! Oh, he's fine.

EMILY: So you're still engaged?

LORELAI: Yes, we're still engaged.

EMILY: I was just asking. After all, I haven't gotten a save-the-date card yet. If you're engaged, I assume you're planning a wedding at some point. Not that I've heard anything.

LORELAI: Yeah, I will send you a save-the-date card, Mom.

EMILY: For?

LORELAI: For?

EMILY: What date am I saving?

LORELAI: Uh, well, if I tell you that now then what fun will the card be?

EMILY: I mean, I assume I'm invited. I haven't heard. I haven't heard if I'm invited, if I'm in the wedding, if I need a dress. Now you won't tell me the date of this wedding that I may or may not be invited to.

LORELAI: June third!

EMILY: June third?

LORELAI: Yes! June third. Okay?

EMILY: Are we here June third?

RICHARD: I believe we are.

EMILY: All right. June third. It's very soon.

LORELAI: Yeah.

EMILY: Is there any specific reason it's so soon?

LORELAI: Oh, boy.

EMILY: June third. June third? Richard, June third!

RICHARD: Yes, June third.

EMILY: Well, it's just so soon! I mean, we haven't even seen Luke since - Richard, when was the last time we saw Luke?

RICHARD: It's been a while.

EMILY: A long while. Well, you must bring him to dinner Friday.

LORELAI: What?

EMILY: Well, the next time we see him certainly cannot be as you're walking down the aisle!

LORELAI: Well, there's time before -

EMILY: No, there's not. Your father goes out of town every other week from now until the end of May. I have functions every weekend, two charity balls, the zoo auction, the Hartford beautification project - your father and I bought a stretch of the highway.

RICHARD: Exit thirty-six through thirty-eight.

EMILY: So there's literally no time left, it has to be Friday.

RICHARD: Friday it is.

LORELAI: I don't know if Luke is available Friday.

EMILY: Well, tell him he has to be! This is family!

LORELAI: Yeah, but -

EMILY: He would say no to having dinner with his future mother and father-in-law? Is this really the kind of man you want in your life? [Lorelai glances at Rory desperately.] Is this really the kind of man you want to be Rory's stepfather?

RORY: Yeah. Think of the kids.

LORELAI: Luke is not saying no.

EMILY: You are?

LORELAI: No, I'm not saying no either.

EMILY: So no-one's saying no.

LORELAI: Right!

EMILY: So you're saying yes.

LORELAI: Yes. [She violently shoves a bite of salad in her mouth.]

EMILY: Good. I'll pick up some save-the-date cards tomorrow. Do you want a color? Because I think white is the best choice.

RORY [to Lorelai]: Five, four, three, two...

OPENING CREDITS

LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN

[Lorelai places a frozen pizza on a pan and calls out to Rory.]

LORELAI: Hey, have you noticed that anything in a red wine reduction sauce leaves you hungry twenty minutes later!

RORY [OS]: Especially if you don't eat it!

LORELAI: Did my parents eat exceptionally slowly tonight?

RORY [OS]: Yes!

LORELAI [dumping tater tots on the pizza]: They did! My mother started on the white meat portion of her game hen at eight fifteen and did not hit the drumstick till ten of nine.

RORY [OS]: Actually, nine fifteen.

LORELAI: You've been in there an hour. What are you doing?

RORY [OS]: Facial exercises! The younger I look, the younger you look!

LORELAI: Oh, good point! [Looks in the freezer] Hey, do we want the apple turnovers or the cherry?

RORY [OS]: Yes! [Lorelai nods and takes them out.] Hey, question? Where did June third come from?

LORELAI: What?

RORY [OS]: I thought there was no June third.

LORELAI: No, there's a June third. Just because we don't get married on a date doesn't make it cease to exist.

RORY [OS]: You know what I mean!

LORELAI: I was on the spot! I just didn't want to go through the whole 'the wedding was postponed' explanation.

RORY [OS]: Why not?

LORELAI: Because! Then that would lead to the 'what happened?' conversation, which would lead to the 'I told you so' conversation, and the 'what is wrong with you that you can't close the deal?' conversation. Which would lead to the 'why is Lorelai slamming her head against the wall?' conversation. So I just said June third, it could still happen, and if it doesn't I'll blow up that bridge when we come to it.

RORY [emerges from her room in a Yale sweat suit]: I get it.

LORELAI: Thank you. Those new sweats?

RORY: Yep! Just came out.

LORELAI: You get some for Mommy?

RORY: You want some Yale sweats?

LORELAI: No, no, not me. Your other mommy, who raised you and fed you, and stayed up with you when you had the measles, and -

RORY: I already put them in your room.

LORELAI: Excellent! [She hands her a pop tart.] To cleanse your palate.

RORY: Thank you!

LORELAI: Let's go. [The head into the living room and sit down.] Hey, you know who also might like a sweatshirt?

RORY: They don't make them for dogs, I already asked.

LORELAI: I did not mean Paul Anka. He's a Princeton man anyhow. [She begins flipping through the channels.]

RORY: Nice loyalty.

LORELAI: I think Christopher might like one.

RORY: Dad? Really?

LORELAI: Yeah. He's paying your tuition now, it might be a nice gesture.

RORY: Yeah. Sure, I could do that.

LORELAI: Cool. [She stops on a channel.] Solaris?

RORY: No. Not again.

LORELAI: I'm telling you, there's a story in there somewhere.

RORY: Yeah, the story is you calling yourself Mrs. Clooney for two and a half hours.

LORELAI [keeps flipping]: Have you heard from him lately?

RORY: George? Yes. Last night. The Oscar buzz is really getting to him.

LORELAI: I'm talking about your dad.

RORY: No.

LORELAI: Huh.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: Nothing. He's just been very quiet lately.

RORY: So?

LORELAI: So it's weird! He pops up and then disappears again, that's never good.

RORY: Unless he's a groundhog. Maybe Dad's a groundhog.

LORELAI: I wonder what he's up to.

RORY: Maybe he's just busy with work.

LORELAI: No, I don't buy it.

RORY: Well, maybe he's just doing what he promised he would do.

LORELAI: What's that?

RORY: He's putting up the money and staying out of everything else.

LORELAI: Well, that was the agreement, wasn't it?

RORY: Yes. It was.

LORELAI: Huh. Maybe he is just doing what we agreed to. So un-Christopher of him.

RORY: People change. And then they get a nice sweatshirt as a treat. [She snags the remote from Lorelai.]

LORELAI: Good for him.

RORY: Yep. Hey, Bullets Over Broadway!

LORELAI: "Don't Speak".

RORY: If only.

LORELAI [gasps]: Hey, you like me. Remember that. Why don't you invite him to Yale for lunch? Show him around the campus, make him feel daddy-ish.

RORY: You think he'd like that?

LORELAI: I think he'd love that.

RORY: Okay. I'll call him tomorrow.

LORELAI: Just - don't take him to the library.

RORY: Mom!

LORELAI: Don't show him all your classes, don't make him touch the toe -

RORY: This is my tour!

LORELAI: I'm just saying, if he passes out from boredom, he's going to be a lot harder to drag around campus than I was.

RORY: Seriously, don't speak.

[Lorelai glances over at her and then turns back to the TV.]

YALE DAILY NEWS ROOM

[The senior staffers are gathered around Joni's desk. Some of them are still wearing their number caps.]

SHEILA: This is getting ridiculous!

BILL: Well, I'm completely out of suggestions.

[Rory enters.]

SHEILA: How about we call her cell phone and make up some kind of an emergency? Would that work?

[They all look at Rory.]

RORY: Okay, hit me with it.

A.K.: Big shock. It's about Paris.

RORY: What did she do now?

BILL: Nothing. It's what's been done to her.

JONI: The Howell Raines-ing is complete!

RORY: She's out?

BILL: The board has spoken.

JONI: More like screamed.

RORY: Oh, boy. How did she take it?

SHEILA: She hasn't.

JONI: She won't come out of her bunker.

A.K.: She's been in there for hours.

BILL: Even Hitler came out every once in a while to walk his dog.

JONI: I interrupted her highness while she was on the phone and got a five thousand word lecture on Robert's Rules of Order.

RORY: Well, she's got to be told.

A.K.: Then she's got to come out!

JONI: Tear gas! Where can we find tear gas?

SHEILA: Or we could set off the fire alarm!

RORY: Stand down, everyone. I'll tell her.

BILL: Really?

RORY: It's probably better that the person delivering the news doesn't chuckle with glee while doing it. Bill.

BILL [chuckling]: I would not chuckle while doing it! Oh my God, that was completely inadvertent.

RORY: All right. I'm going in.

INSIDE PARIS' BUNKER

[Paris is on the phone.]

PARIS: I know, Mr. Weisner, it was a complete screw-up. Here's what happened. Your ad ran with the phone number of the beauty supply store ad from the next page. That's why you're getting calls about hair gel and moisturizers. [Rory enters. Paris gestures for her to sit.] Anyway, I really want you to rest easy and I hope this does not interfere with any financial contributions that you have been generous enough to promise. All right? Thank you. Bye. [She hangs up.] This job is twenty-four seven!

RORY: Yeah.

PARIS: It's not enough to put out a daily paper of outstanding quality without having to dodge complaints from uppity alumni calling over every little mistake! Weisner threatened to withhold money he had already pledged for the new computers because his ad was messed up. I mean, can he even do that?

RORY: I don't know.

PARIS: You want some soup? I was just heating up some soup. [She rolls her chair over to a hotplate set up on the other side of her cubicle.]

RORY: There's no ventilation in here.

PARIS: I'm careful!

RORY: Right. Uh, well, no thank you. I just came in here to - I was just thinking.

PARIS [stirs her soup]: Yeah?

RORY: Five plus years?

PARIS: Hmm.

RORY: That we've known each other. That we've been friends. Five plus.

PARIS: That long. Wow.

RORY: Feels like forever ago to me. Chilton, the day we met, just a couple of rosy-cheeked kids.

PARIS: My face inflamed easily back then. Too many tomatoes and red peppers.

RORY: Got off to kind of a rocky start. We were competitors.

PARIS: I get that from my mother. She's part Viking.

RORY: Eventually we became pals. Good pals. Because we respected each other. And supported each other. In good times and bad.

PARIS: Did I open this can today or yesterday?

RORY: This is a not so good time, Paris.

PARIS: I know. If the hurricanes don't kill us, the bird flu will.

RORY: I mean, for you. Here. At the paper. [Paris looks up.] The board voted you out.

PARIS: Oh. I see. [She slowly rolls her chair back to her desk.] So it's over.

RORY: I'm sorry. I just found out. I'm so sorry.

PARIS: Well, it's not like I didn't have a clue that that was a possibility.

RORY: It has been pretty tense around here.

PARIS: So are they all out there excitedly awaiting my perp-walk?

RORY: Oh, who cares? Who cares about them? You don't perp walk. You're Paris Gellar. You walk tall. You're better than all of them.

PARIS: Really?

RORY: Definitely. And this job, Paris? Being editor? You don't need this. This hassle. You're going to be a doctor!

PARIS: Surgeon.

RORY: And a lawyer.

PARIS: Judge.

RORY: That's a hell of a workload. And the workload here, the indignities, smoothing the ruffled feathers of advertisers, covering sports as if they matter - you're exhausted, Paris! Stretched thin, eating soup out of a can!

PARIS: Soup I don't even like.

RORY: This might not be such a bad thing, leaving this job, huh?

PARIS: I am pretty tired.

RORY: You even look a little relieved.

PARIS: And I'll be damned if I'm going to give those people a perp walk!

RORY: Good! Good attitude.

PARIS: Let's get out of this spider hole. I'll take care of this right now.

RORY: I am with you, friend! Better shut off the hotplate.

PARIS: Right. [She switches it off and they emerge from the cubicle.] Everyone, I have a little announcement! So if you could gather round please. We have an issue. You see it has become increasingly apparent that I have become the story here at the Yale Daily News, and that I have overshadowed our journalistic efforts. Well, I don't want to be the story at my own newspaper, because then I'd be Judith Miller. I'd have to wear my bangs too long and overdo my lipstick. And I don't want that. I want to remain me. So I'm tendering my resignation as editor-in-chief effective immediately. In closing, I'd like to state that the Yale Daily News has overcome numerous obstacles in its august history, and that it will easily overcome this. My resignation will be a loss, but it will be a loss that the Daily News can survive, and it is a loss it must survive. Good night and good luck.

[She exits. Bill walks over to the magnet board and ceremonially moves Paris' magnet to 'Out'. Everyone cheers and throws their number caps in the air. Rory looks around sadly.]

DRAGONFLY INN - FRONT DESK

[Luke is behind the counter with Lorelai, hanging key hooks on the wall.]

LUKE: I don't want to go!

LORELAI: Of course you don't.

LUKE: Your parents are not warm people.

LORELAI: They were extras in March of the Penguins.

LUKE: Maybe we could just skip the drinks, just have the dinner and be done.

LORELAI: Skip the drinks? Luke, you don't skip the one activity that makes the rest of the evening miraculously tolerable. The drinks fortify us. The drinks give us strength. The drinks get us drunk!

LUKE: Yeah, but they take forever, and then I gotta sit there and talk to your dad about stocks and literature and watch it dawn on him for the umpteenth time that I don't know anything about stocks or literature! I mean, how many times can two people have the same awful conversation?

LORELAI: Look, just repeat after me. This is really great Scotch, Richard!

LUKE: And then, of course, there's your mother, who hates me.

LORELAI: All the more reason to get a little soused.

LUKE: Well, we can drink in the car.

LORELAI: One of us has to drive.

LUKE: Fine, you drink in the car. I'll take five quick shots in the driveway.

LORELAI: Look, uh, I want to get out of there as quickly as you do, but we have to think a little more pragmatically. So when the dessert comes, I will fake an attack of food poisoning, and then you rush me to the car.

LUKE: That's your solution?

LORELAI: Yes. Fake stomach pain is my specialty. That, and getting my fiancé to agree to horrible things he hates.

LUKE [sighs]: Six o'clock?

LORELAI: Wear something fetching. [She takes a stack of books from the desk and walks away. She meets Michel by the stairs.]

MICHEL: What is Luke doing here?

LORELAI: Oh, he's doing a few minor repairs around the Inn.

MICHEL: Mm. What about the handyman?

LORELAI: Parker?

MICHEL: Yes, I thought we liked him.

LORELAI: Yeah, we do. But Luke offered and he has his own tool belt, and the price is right.

MICHEL: Oh, really? No charge?

LORELAI: Nope. Well, I did have to give him a coupon for a hundred free snuggles.

MICHEL: How adorable.

LORELAI: Yeah, to tell the truth, Parker always kind of turned up his nose at my snuggle bucks.

MICHEL: Hm. So I guess this is how we are operating now?

LORELAI: How's that?

MICHEL: We've dispensed with hiring professionals around here. Maybe from now on my cousin Gerd can do our accounting. She's got her own calculator.

LORELAI: He's not performing open-heart surgery, Michel, he's just fixing a few things. For free. Saving me a little money so I can do crazy things like pay people's salary and heat the place.

MICHEL: Well, he's not doing a very good job. That key rack is protruding way too far out; it's going to wreak havoc on my French cuffs every time I reach for a key.

LORELAI: Tell him how you like the hooks.

MICHEL: Oh, I'm supposed to just follow him around all day, correcting his every mistake? Absurd! We will sit down and make a detailed list of everything we need done and he can consult that.

LORELAI: Luke does not need a list.

MICHEL: What do you mean? We always gave Parker a list.

LORELAI: Luke's got a sixth sense about these things. He can spot a loose screw from across the room. He can sense when something needs to be fixed before it's even broken. It's spooky!

MICHEL: Well, I will do a quick walk-through with him, just to make sure his magical powers are working.

LORELAI: Michel, there's no need for that. You've got plenty to handle with all the guests, and Luke's got it covered!

LUKE [squeezing by them]: I left my sandpaper in the library.

MICHEL: It must be nice to have a man who isn't ashamed of his own natural body odor.

[Lorelai frowns at him and walks away.]

YALE DAILY NEWS ROOM

[The room is full of people.]

GUY: Come on!

BILL [counting ballots]: I'm trying to be accurate.

JONI: There are no hanging chads, Bill! Give us the count.

BILL: Okay. We've got sixteen votes for Casey, eighteen for Andrew and nine for Cathy.

[Everyone groans.]

A.K.: We can't do this anymore.

GUY: We're never going to get a majority!

SHEILA: Let's just not have an editor! We can run the paper by committee.

BILL: No one said this was going to be easy.

JONI: It's been three days of voting. That's not an election, that's a sentence!

RORY: Maybe we should take a break.

BILL: No! No breaks!

A.K.: This isn't Est. We get to leave.

RORY: Well, then, maybe we should send out for coffee. Who wants coffee?

JONI: No way! I'm so wired I'm jumping out of my skin!

SHEILA: We have three candidates and no consensus. We're never getting out of here!

GUY: We need a new name!

RORY: I agree. We're not getting anywhere!

BILL: How about Gilmore?

JONI: I like that name!

A.K.: I like that name.

RORY: Whoa, hey. I didn't mean my name.

SHEILA: Well, I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Andrew. Sorry, Andrew.

BILL: And I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Cathy. Sorry, Cathy.

A.K.: And I'd vote for anybody over Casey, because Casey's an idiot and he didn't even show up.

BILL: He's in the back.

A.K.: Sorry, Casey.

BILL: Got a statement, Gilmore?

RORY: No, um. I'd just like to say I'm flattered, and you're very kind. Um, I did miss that semester, so seniority's a question.

JONI: We're past taking seniority into account.

SHEILA: You totally bailed us out that night.

A.K.: The paper wouldn't have gone out if it wasn't for you.

RORY: But -

BILL: What's your hesitation? Is it Paris?

RORY: No! I'm not hesitating because of Paris.

BILL: Then why are you hesitating?

RORY: I'm not. I accept the nomination.

SHEILA: Please tell me we don't have to debate this.

JONI: What's the debate? She's feeling pretty consensus-y to me!

BILL: All right. All those in favor of Rory Gilmore as editor, say aye.

EVERYONE: Aye!

BILL: Sounds consensus-y to me. Congratulations.

[Everyone begins moving around, getting back to work.]

RORY: Thank you, everyone! I won't let you down.

BILL [hands her some papers]: This is part two of the financial aid piece. We need your okay before going to layout.

RORY: Good. I loved part one, by the way.

BILL: Thanks. [He walks away.]

SHEILA: A.P. pieces. We may need more filler than usual today.

RORY: Good, thanks, Sheila!

JONI: These should probably come first. Photo approvals?

RORY: Thanks, Joni. And let Derek know that I'm going to need some space in editorial. I want to write a little note from me to the readers.

JONI [salutes]: Will do.

RORY'S APARTMENT

[Rory arrives at the top of the stairs. She gasps in horror to see all of her stuff filling the hallway. She struggles to climb through it to get to the door. She tries to unlock it but her keys don't fit. She knocks, frustrated.]

RORY: Paris! Doyle! Someone!

[She knocks again. Paris opens the door as far as it will go with the chain attached.]

PARIS: You dare show your face?

RORY: What is all my stuff doing out here?

PARIS: I'll pro-rate the utilities from the time of eviction! 3:47 p.m., the third day of February!

RORY: Eviction! Paris, why are you doing this?

PARIS: Don't you play dumb with me!

RORY: Unchain the door!

PARIS: This chain is here for your protection! Krav Maga, baby. When my enemies approach I'm trained to pounce! Reflex.

RORY: Paris, I'm not your enemy!

PARIS: Oh, really? Enemies move in silence and strikes when their prey is weakest. Pretty much sums you up, doesn't it, Editor Gilmore?

RORY: That was not my doing! That was the board's!

PARIS: As if you didn't lobby for it.

RORY: I didn't!

PARIS: That secret meeting, weeks ago at the pub, where you set the putsch in motion! What happened, there wasn't a beer hall available?

RORY: I did not set the putsch in motion - I can't even spell putsch.

PARIS: Nice spin. Take it to K Street. [She slams the door and yells through it.] I made you my number two and it went to your head!

RORY: You can't just kick me out like this!

PARIS [OS]: There's a hallway full of crap that says otherwise!

RORY: But we're friends!

PARIS [yanks the door open again]: We're not friends.

RORY: I understand why you're upset, but just let me in so I can explain!

PARIS [mimicking]: "Gee, Paris. What a horrible job being editor is! Who needs the headache? Remember Chilton, Paris? All those good times?" Well, the good times are over!

[She slams the door again. Rory turns around, gaping at her stuff. Paris jerks the door open again and throws a scarf at Rory.]

PARIS: Here. This is yours too.

DRAGONFLY INN - LOBBY

[Luke is gluing something on the bottom of a chair. Michel walks in.]

MICHEL: Luke, can we talk for a minute?

LUKE: Yeah, what's up?

MICHEL: I noticed your truck.

LUKE: Yeah?

MICHEL: Your filthy green truck.

LUKE: Uh-huh.

MICHEL: It's parked in guest parking.

LUKE: So?

MICHEL: So, guest parking is for guests. Filthy green truck parking is around the back on the north road behind the shed.

LUKE: I'll be done in two minutes.

MICHEL: Wonderful! Now, about your hat.

LUKE: My hat?

MICHEL: I'd like you to remove it.

LUKE: What for?

MICHEL: You're indoors. Gentlemen don't wear hats indoors.

LUKE: It's okay, I'm not much of a gentleman.

MICHEL: Not if you persist in dressing like a Peanuts character.

LUKE: I'm not taking off my hat.

MICHEL: Did you talk to a guest this morning?

LUKE: Huh?

MICHEL: I thought I saw you talking to a guest.

LUKE: I may have given someone directions.

MICHEL: Well, don't do it again! You're not qualified.

LUKE: I'm not qualified to tell somebody how to get to the post office?

MICHEL: No. You are a diner owner. And an amateur substitute handyman, and that in no way qualifies you to give directions to our guests.

LUKE: Why not?

MICHEL [fiercely]: Because that is my job, and you lack my people skills!

LUKE: Go away, Michel.

MICHEL: Keep your voice down, the guests can hear.

LUKE: There isn't anyone down here!

MICHEL: But they are upstairs, and your voice carries!

LUKE: Hey, you're the one doing the yelling.

MICHEL: I'm yelling because you are flouting the rules of this establishment! Parking where you want, talking when you want, wearing what you want. And twenty minutes ago I saw you eating a sandwich!

LUKE: So what?

MICHEL: We don't let the help eat in front of the guests! The next time you eat, you do so in the kitchen or the barn!

LUKE: I'm not going to eat in the barn!

MICHEL: Parker ate in the barn.

LUKE: Who's Parker?

MICHEL [almost in tears]: A wonderful, wonderful man!

RORY'S APARTMENT - HALLWAY

[Rory is sitting with her stuff, reading a newspaper. She takes out her phone and makes a call.]

LOGAN: Hello?

RORY: There are no singles left.

LOGAN: What? What do you mean, no singles?

RORY: I just talked to campus housing, and there are no singles left at Branford or anywhere on campus! And the decent off-campus apartments are long gone. The ones left make Paris and Doyle's place look like Versailles.

LOGAN: What are you talking about? Why do you need a place?

RORY [throws down the paper]: I got elected editor of the Daily News.

LOGAN: What? You did?

RORY: Yes.

LOGAN: Wow! Finally someone good running that place! Someone great, you're going to be great!

RORY: Well, Hotplate Harriet took it very badly.

LOGAN: Who's that?

RORY: Paris. She threw all my stuff out into the hallway, so I'm sitting here guarding it all until the movers get here!

LOGAN: Oh, man. Paris, idiot!

RORY: My books look sad. Can books look sad?

LOGAN: Oh, look, we'll figure this out! Now, you said you've got movers?

RORY: Starving Students. How starving can they be if they can't come for five hours after you call? Plus I heard the guy crunching on something during our call. Sounded like Baked Lays.

LOGAN: And you've got nowhere to go, right?

RORY: Right-a-mundo.

LOGAN: Well... you can move in with me.

RORY: What?

LOGAN: Move in with me. Paris' place is a hole anyway, I never liked that you lived there. And that doo-wop group downstairs? I don't think they were an honest-to-goodness singing group.

RORY: Logan, that's really sweet. But I can't move in with you.

LOGAN: Why not? You're here half the time anyway. You've already got two dresser drawers you call your own, and right now, for a limited time, I'll throw in three more drawers and a set of Ginsu knives.

RORY: Really?

LOGAN: No. I have no idea where to get Ginsu knives.

RORY: It's kind of a big step, isn't it?

LOGAN: You need a place, I've got the space. It'll be fun. Don't you think it'll be fun?

RORY: Fun?

LOGAN: Come on, Ace. You know what I mean. What do you say?

RORY: Well, I might need just one more drawer. I can put my socks in a shoebox under the bed.

LOGAN: Is that a yes?

RORY: I guess that's a yes!

LOGAN: Good. I'm calling Colin and Finn, they'll be right over to get your stuff.

RORY: Okay!

LOGAN: And no shoeboxes, you're getting those drawers!

RORY: I'll take 'em! [She sees the next-door neighbor open her door.] Wait, wait! [to Logan] Hold on, I've got to take this. [She hangs up and directs the woman around all the stuff.] Okay. Get past the hamper, veer left at the mirror. Grab the large pipe on the wall to get yourself to the desk which you can then go over or under, I'll guide you from there.

DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN

[Lorelai walks in. Michel is standing at the island.]

LORELAI: Got a little snack there, Michel?

MICHEL: These are not a snack, they are my twelve daily Omega-3 walnuts.

LORELAI: Well, I hate to see you bingeing like this.

MICHEL: And now I've lost count!

LORELAI: Let's talk about your little spat with Luke today.

MICHEL: What did he tell you?

LORELAI: He said you yelled at him.

MICHEL: Oh, pfft, what a crybaby!

LORELAI: He's not a crybaby, he just doesn't like being screamed at by people he's doing favors for!

MICHEL: Did you check his diaper? Maybe he's just upset because you forgot to change him today.

LORELAI: Now who's a crybaby?

MICHEL: I used to yell at Parker all the time, and he never once came running to you!

LORELAI: What is this thing with you and Parker? Did you save your life in 'Nam?

MICHEL: Parker is a professional!

LORELAI: Parker is a clumsy, forgetful, sixty-five-year-old, semi-lucid, not-that-handy handyman.

MICHEL: Luke wears a hat indoors!

LORELAI: So did Parker.

MICHEL: That was a wool knit cap, it's completely different.

LORELAI: So this is a hat thing?

MICHEL: I just don't like Luke's system! He misses many things that need to be fixed, many things.

LORELAI: Well, so jot them down.

MICHEL: That's not how we make the list.

LORELAI: So type them up.

MICHEL [emotionally]: No! We make the list at Weston's over coffee. That's what we do when we make the list. We go once a month to Weston's together, and we sit, and we decide on the work for the handyman! That's our thing! We get very large coffees and we split a slice of red velvet cake, and we gossip and I eat the whole cake and you never tell anyone.

LORELAI [gently]: Oh. Michel. I liked our trips to Weston's.

MICHEL: Oh, yes. That is what I do when I like something, I cut it out of my life completely!

LORELAI: I didn't cut coffee with you out of my life.

MICHEL: Oh, then you just forgot? How special those times must have been for you.

LORELAI: They were special! It's just been crazy around here. Well, it was nice to save a little money with Luke.

MICHEL: Money isn't everything, you know. People come to work for more than just the money. Although, my direct deposit was late again. Maybe that's something you can finally get around to looking into.

LORELAI: I will! [She takes a walnut.]

MICHEL: I guess you don't have to write that down either. No one needs a list anymore.

LORELAI [about the walnut]: These are candied.

MICHEL: Well, the real ones taste like cardboard, and the health benefits are the same except for the skin.

LORELAI: What are you doing this afternoon?

MICHEL: I'm going to yell at Doreen about the soap spots on room three's bathroom floor tiles.

LORELAI: Well, instead, how about if you and I take a trip to Weston's? We can make Luke a list over cake and coffee, and we can throw around ideas about improvements at the Inn.

MICHEL: I do not need your pity cake.

LORELAI: It's not pity cake, it's red velvet cake, and it's delicious, and I think we ought to eat it. Although this time you're getting your own 'cause I am not sharing.

MICHEL: Well, I guess I could yell at Doreen tomorrow.

LORELAI [smiles]: Tomorrow seems like a fine day to yell at Doreen. So Weston's?

MICHEL: Weston's. [They turn to leave the kitchen.] I was thinking, maybe we could have Luke wear a jumpsuit when he's working around the Inn. You know the kind gas station attendants wear?

LORELAI: Yeah, why don't we put a pin in that one?

YALE HALLWAYS

[Rory and Christopher walk together, drinking coffee.]

CHRIS: So far I have seen no one here smarter than you.

RORY: You can tell that?

CHRIS: And I'm keeping track. Five hundred sixty-six people, all inferior to you.

[Rory notices two girls checking Chris out as they walk by.]

RORY: I don't believe it.

CHRIS: What?

RORY: Did you not see those two girls?

CHRIS: No, what?

RORY: They totally checked you out.

CHRIS [laughing]: They did? Cool.

RORY: It's the same way with Mom. I swear, I hate having hot parents.

CHRIS: Sorry.

[They stop at the open door of a classroom.]

RORY: Check it out. I had him for microeconomics last year.

PROFESSOR: Pricing must be more than fungible, but also scarce. Take our seashells example. While fungible, they exist in infinite supply and so fail a scarcity test.

[Chris pretends to snore.]

RORY [smacks him, horrified]: Dad!

CHRIS [pretending to wake up]: What? Uh, uh, fungible?

RORY: Dad! That's a Nobel Prize winner.

CHRIS: The dull dude?

RORY: Sh!

CHRIS [whispering]: He doesn't even own an iron.

RORY: I can't take you anywhere.

CHRIS: No, you can't, can you?

[They keep walking.]

YALE DINING HALL

[Rory and Chris walk in.]

CHRIS: This where we're eating?

RORY: We don't have to, I just wanted you to see it.

CHRIS: Well, I'll eat wherever you want to eat.

RORY: Okay. I know a cool spot. And we've pretty much covered every square inch of campus, so let's go.

CHRIS: What about your place?

RORY: My place?

CHRIS: Yeah, I want to see it.

RORY: Why?

CHRIS [laughing]: Because I'm curious. I want to see where my kid lives.

RORY: Well, it's pretty messy right now.

CHRIS: The lady who cleans my house has to use a bulldozer. Messy does not frighten me.

RORY [nervously]: Okay. But you've been warned.

CHRIS: Lead the way.

[They walk out.]

LOGAN'S APARTMENT

[The elevator door opens on Chris and Rory inside.]

CHRIS: Man, did you see that lobby?

RORY [distracted]: Um, yeah, once or twice.

CHRIS: That was a lobby. And a doorman? I'm slipping that guy a little something extra to keep an eye on you, by the way.

RORY: You don't have to do that.

CHRIS: Are you kidding? I love slipping people money to do things. [They reach the apartment door and stand there for a moment.] We here?

RORY [staring at the door]: Yep.

CHRIS: You got a key, or is it scanning your retina for access?

RORY [turns to face him]: Dad, I have to be straight with you about something.

CHRIS: Oops.

RORY: No. It's just - [she pauses] - today was a weird day. It started really great with me getting voted editor-in-chief of my school paper.

CHRIS: What? You did? Oh, boy, Rory, that's amazing.

RORY: Thank you, it is. It's just - Paris? My roommate Paris? She was the editor, um, but when she found out that I was made the new editor she threw me out.

CHRIS: What? You want me to talk to her?

RORY: No, it's fine. It's just that I had no place to go so - I moved in with my boyfriend.

CHRIS: Oh.

RORY [points at the door]: In there.

CHRIS: Your boyfriend.

RORY: You actually met him once.

CHRIS: I did?

RORY: At Grandma's vow renewal. He was the guy with the -

CHRIS: Right.

RORY: Yes.

CHRIS: When I walked in and you two -

RORY [avoiding eye contact]: Exactly!

CHRIS: Okay. Well. Why don't we open the door so I can see what my daughter living with her boyfriend looks like.

RORY: Okay.

[She pulls her keys out of her pocket and unlocks the door. She walks in and takes off her coat. Logan is sitting on the couch with his back to the door, reading and listening to music through headphones. She walks over to the couch to get his attention. He looks up at her and she gestures toward Chris, who is hanging back by the door. Logan looks at him and sits up suddenly, pulling out the earphones.]

LOGAN: Hey.

RORY: Hi. I tried to call you to let you know we were coming over, but you didn't answer.

LOGAN [gets up]: Right. Headphones.

RORY: They work.

LOGAN: Sure do.

RORY: So, uh, Logan, this is my father, Christopher.

[Logan shakes Chris' hand.]

LOGAN: Hi, Good to meet you.

CHRIS: Actually, we've met.

LOGAN: I know.

CHRIS: Don't worry about it. [He looks around.] Wow, this is uh, some spread.

LOGAN: Aw, thanks.

[Chris walks away, checking it out.]

LOGAN [whispers to Rory]: You brought your dad here?

RORY [softly]: He wanted to see where I lived, what was I supposed to do?

LOGAN [whispers]: Yeah, but I mean, a little bit of a warning?

RORY [whispers]: I tried to call you!

CHRIS: Eh, should I put the headphones on? 'Cause I'm right here.

RORY: No, sorry.

LOGAN: Yeah, sorry.

CHRIS: Look, I didn't mean to barge in on you like this. I just want to make sure my kid's got a decent place to live, that's all. [Logan shrugs. Chris points at the TV.] Hey, so how do you like the plasma?

LOGAN: Love it.

CHRIS: Yeah, I'm thinking about getting a sixty inch for the bedroom.

LOGAN: Well, I've got a great home theater guy if you need some help.

CHRIS: I may take you up on that.

RORY: You want something to drink, Dad?

CHRIS: Sure, I'll take a soda if you've got one.

RORY: Coming right up. [She goes to the kitchen.]

CHRIS: Wow! That's a great view.

LOGAN: Yeah, that's the Old Campus over there.

CHRIS: Oh, me and the old campus go way back. Is that? [He peers at a framed photograph by the window.] It is! That's Endicott Peabody. [He laughs.] Why do you have that? Are you a Groton man?

LOGAN: Was, briefly. I actually swiped that from the Headmaster's office on my way out the door.

CHRIS [laughing]: I was kicked out of Groton!

LOGAN: You're kidding!

CHRIS: Nope. Did a semester at St. Sebastian's after that.

LOGAN: I know several people who got kicked out of St. Sebastian's! My good friend Colin was actually banned from coming anywhere within a ten mile radius.

CHRIS: Impressive!

RORY [hands Chris a soda]: Here you go.

CHRIS: Thank you. Uh, after St. Sebastian's I went on to St. Sybill's.

LOGAN: I almost went there myself but I wound up at St. Mark's instead.

CHRIS: How long you last there?

LOGAN: About a week.

CHRIS: Yeah, they've got quite the trigger finger at St. Mark's. You ever do Deerfield?

LOGAN: Please! Deerfield's for amateurs. I got kicked out of Rivers!

CHRIS: I didn't think Rivers kicked anybody out!

LOGAN: Neither did we, but Dean Eldon's Miata on the bottom of Lake Rutherford proved just the ticket.

CHRIS [smiling widely]: Rory, you got a good man here!

RORY: Interesting yardstick you're using.

CHRIS: Hey, uh, listen, Logan. We were just about to go out and grab some dinner. You want to come with?

LOGAN: Oh, I don't want to intrude.

RORY: No, come. That would be great.

LOGAN: Okay, sure. Just let me grab my wallet, I'll be right with you. [He heads for the bedroom.]

RORY [to Chris]: You're being nice to him!

CHRIS: He's a cool guy.

RORY: Listen. I haven't had a chance to tell Mom about this yet. It's not a big deal, it just happened so fast, so -

CHRIS: I get it.

RORY: I'm going to tell her about it today, so just -

CHRIS: You tell her. I’m going TV shopping.

RORY [laughing]: Okay.

LOGAN: Okay, Rich Man's Shoe.

RORY: Where else?

CHRIS: Rich Man's Shoe?

RORY: Best burgers within walking distance.

LOGAN: We have very high culinary standards here at Yale.

CHRIS: Whoa, is that the new Xbox 360? [Logan nods.] Okay, I'm totally moving in here with you.

LORELAI'S BEDROOM

[Luke is sitting on the bed, dressed for dinner and flipping through a several-page-long list.]

LUKE: Are you serious?

LORELAI [comes out of the bathroom]: Just look at it as a challenge.

LUKE: There's eighty-five things on this list!

LORELAI: Actually, that last page we did front and back.

LUKE: Wow.

LORELAI: Yeah. I thought we'd make it an even hundred.

LUKE: Re-grout the tiles behind the sink basin.

LORELAI: Long overdue.

LUKE: How can you tell?

LORELAI: Well, if you slide on your back under the sink and shine a flashlight up into the area where the basin meets the wall it's really obvious.

LUKE: Yeah, what does O-D-D mean?

LORELAI: Only during the day! Those are tasks we deem too noisy for you to do when guests are sleeping.

LUKE: How considerate. Replace chocolate brown contact paper in kitchen drawers with cocoa brown.

LORELAI [laughs]: Okay, that one I blame on the second piece of cake. There was a major sugar rush involved.

LUKE: I hate this list.

LORELAI: I know, but Michel and I made that list together and we bonded and that makes him happy.

LUKE: I don't want to make him happy.

LORELAI: If Michel's happy, then I'm happy and then I take all that happiness and I give it right back to you, tonight, in bed, after you spend four hours with my parents. What do you say?

LUKE [stands up]: Can't Parker do the list?

LORELAI [smiling]: No.

[They leave.]

ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - DINING ROOM

[Luke, Lorelai, Richard and Emily are eating dinner. It seems quiet.]

EMILY: Luke, you eat so little.

LUKE: My motto is, everything in moderation.

RICHARD: Smart. Very Walden-esque.

LUKE: But it's good, though, Everything's really good. The duck pate especially.

EMILY: Thank you. [The maid brings Lorelai a martini.] Number three?

LORELAI: Hm?

EMILY: The martini.

LORELAI: Helps settle my stomach.

EMILY: Gin?

LORELAI: Absolutely. It helps counteract the oh-so-regrettable shrimp I had for lunch today.

LUKE: Yeah, you mentioned that before, the shrimp did not agree with you.

LORELAI: Might have to turn in early. Damn that Al!

EMILY: Al?

LORELAI: Al's Pancake World, where I had the shrimp.

EMILY: You ate shrimp at a pancake house? Well, of course your stomach's unsettled!

RICHARD: You should drink club soda.

LUKE: I think we have some at the house.

LORELAI: Yeah, might have to cut the night a little short.

EMILY: So are you living at Lorelai's house, Luke?

LORELAI: Mother!

EMILY: Is that so private?

LUKE: No, we're in the process of consolidating things.

RICHARD: Consolidating your assets?

LUKE: Right!

RICHARD: Tricky business.

EMILY: Is that house big enough for the two of you?

LORELAI: I've remodeled a little, added some space.

RICHARD: Smart!

LORELAI: Yeah, well, we're smart today.

LUKE: Except when you ate that shrimp.

LORELAI: Yeah, that was dumb.

RICHARD: You've updated your coverage, I assume? Let your insurance company know about the improvements?

LORELAI: You're my insurance company, Dad.

RICHARD: For the Inn, not your house.

LORELAI: I haven't yet, but I will.

RICHARD: Make sure you do it soon.

LORELAI: I'll do it tomorrow.

LUKE: If you're feeling okay.

LORELAI: Right.

RICHARD: Better not wait. Small gaps in your insurance coverage can lead to big mistakes. Oh, I could tell you horror stories.

EMILY: Brian Hunter!

RICHARD: Yes! He owned a home for forty years, huge mansion, never updated his coverage. One night his trophy bimbo wife got into a drunken snit, lit a curtain on fire with her marijuana cigarette, burned the place to the ground. He couldn't afford to rebuild. Lost his fortune, lost the bimbo.

EMILY: Now he sells sunglasses out of the back of a van in California. Cheap ones.

RICHARD: Because he didn't update his coverage. [He turns to Luke.] What about your diner?

LORELAI: What about it, Dad?

RICHARD: I'm just wondering if Luke's insurance is up to date.

LORELAI: I'm sorry. Did you invite us over to sell us insurance? Because if you did, I'm going to insist on seeing the complimentary desk calendar first.

RICHARD: I'm simply inquiring -

LUKE: I think I'm all up-to-date.

RICHARD: What company are you with?

LUKE: North Trust Insurance, I've known the guy a long time.

RICHARD: Never heard of it. You sure he's legit?

LORELAI: Of course it's legit! Come on, Dad.

RICHARD: Don't be naive! There are schemers about, preying on the naive!

EMILY: John Kendall!

RICHARD: John was drinking at a party, met a fellow. Switched all of his coverage to the guy. Wrote him a huge check, on the spot. Then he suffered earthquake damage, and there was no record of the insurance transaction. It was a scam. Now he's working at the gift shop at the Grand Ol’ Opry.

EMILY: Horrid music.

RICHARD: He sells cowboy shirts and toy banjos.

LUKE: I've known my guy for a while.

RICHARD: You've been to his office? Checked out his operation?

LUKE: I just deal with him over the phone.

RICHARD: Ah.

LORELAI: What?

EMILY [sadly]: Hubert Lansing.

RICHARD: Fell prey to a telephone scam running out of Estonia. Took his life with a track and field starter's pistol.

LORELAI: On your mark, get set, die awkwardly.

RICHARD: It's not funny, Lorelai! The fact is, both of you have significant assets and both of you are targets!

LUKE: Targets?

LORELAI: How are we targets?

EMILY: You own your home.

LORELAI: So every homeowner is a target?

EMILY: And an inn with a twenty-six Zagat rating?

LORELAI: Okay, so that's two things.

RICHARD: Two very valuable things.

LUKE: The Dragonfly is one of the highest rated places in the area.

EMILY: And Luke owns his diner and the building it's in, and the building next door with the soda shop. That's another significant holding!

LORELAI: Wait. Did you put a P.I. on our tail or something? How do you know about Luke's real estate holdings?

RICHARD: Because he told me all about them when we played golf last year.

LORELAI: You did?

LUKE: Yeah.

LORELAI: Who in the world would target us?

RICHARD: Grifters! Con men! They know all the tricks.

EMILY: Joe Collins.

LORELAI: Oh my God, the two of you have more stories than Somerset Maugham.

EMILY: Well, your father has seen it all!

RICHARD [to Luke]: And I must say, your daughter coming out of left field raised a red flag.

LUKE: My daughter?

LORELAI: Do you think she's a grifter?

RICHARD: Of course not.

EMILY: But the people around her could be.

RICHARD: It's just that the timing is a little suspicious.

EMILY: Right when Luke's about to marry a woman of means.

LORELAI: I'm not a woman of means!

RICHARD: Stars Hollow real estate is skyrocketing! It's gone up forty-three percent in the last four years.

LUKE: It has, I heard that too, forty-three percent.

LORELAI: That much?

EMILY: This daughter of yours. You saw substantiation?

LUKE: Well, there was a DNA test.

RICHARD: That she performed herself, as I understand it

EMILY [to Lorelai]: Isn't that what you said?

LORELAI: Yeah, but -

LUKE: But her uncle helped her.

RICHARD: And he's authorized to perform such a procedure?

LUKE: I think so.

EMILY: You never confirmed it?

LUKE: I saw a picture of him, and, uh, he was standing right next to a microscope.

RICHARD: Under the circumstances, I think it's best to take every possible precaution.

EMILY: For our protection as well!

LORELAI: Your protection?

RICHARD: We're all connected now.

EMILY: You're our daughter, and come June third, Luke will be our son-in-law. They could come after your assets, then Luke's assets, then our assets!

RICHARD: We could be wiped out.

LORELAI: So this is about protecting you.

RICHARD: It's about protecting all of us!

EMILY: We're all in this together.

RICHARD: All four of us.

EMILY [To the maid]: Get dessert ready, Laetitia. [Cheerfully] Who wants coffee?

RICHARD [nods and smiles]: Hm!

[Lorelai and Luke exchange desperate, nervous glances across the table.]

ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - OUTSIDE

[Lorelai and Luke exit the front door.]

LUKE: I don't know if I can drive.

LORELAI: Well, walk to the car.

LUKE: Did you know real estate's gone up that much?

LORELAI: Not that much!

LUKE: Oh, my shirt is soaking wet.

LORELAI: I've got to start reading the business section.

LUKE: I never knew there were so many horrible ways you could lose everything you own!

LORELAI: Or con-men! Con-men! Are there really con-men? I thought they went the way of vaudevillians and Trotskyites.

LUKE: You've got to double, triple-insure everything you own!

LORELAI: I've got to learn more about umbrella policies.

LUKE: Does Sookie know how much the inn has appreciated?

LORELAI: I don't think so!

LUKE: Because if they could come after her, they could come after you, 'cause you're a partner!

LORELAI: Or, when we get married, they could come after you because we're married!

LUKE: And Sookie's married to Jackson, so they could go after his farm and all his equipment!

LORELAI: Maybe I should sit down with Sookie!

LUKE: And I'll talk to Jackson.

LORELAI: Or maybe, maybe we could do it at the same time because that way - [She waves her arm.] - No! This is ridiculous! This is what Gilmores do! They get in your freaking head and they mess with it!

LUKE: Oh, they're good at that.

LORELAI: Forget Sookie and Jackson, they're responsible people. Dad does the inn, we're covered there. I just need to talk to my homeowner policy guy.

LUKE: And I'll talk to my guy.

LORELAI: But in person. Right? You should see his office. That's what the Hubert Lansing story taught us.

LUKE: Or was it John Kendall?

LORELAI: No, no, he's selling banjos in Nashville.

LUKE: It was Hubert Lansing.

LORELAI: So in person!

LUKE: Right! And I shouldn't worry about April.

LORELAI: No!

LUKE: Because if I was a guy hearing a story about what happened to me, the timing would sound suspicious!

LORELAI: April's twelve. She's not a conman. Although I know nothing about her mother.

LUKE: Anna's cool.

LORELAI: You know that for a fact?

LUKE: Absolutely. The timing is weird, but this woman is very down-to-earth, very un-materialistic. I trust my gut. My gut says there's nothing bad there.

LORELAI: Okay. Good. I trust your gut too. [She shakes her head.] I feel like I should run in there and yell at them about something!

LUKE: About what?

LORELAI: I don't know. That's what's stopping me.

LUKE: What is this feeling, this tightness in the chest, this anger mixed with paralyzing weakness?

LORELAI: You've been Gilmored! But do you know what the weird thing is? They referred to us as family! You, me!

LUKE: Yeah, what was that about?

LORELAI: Well, I think in some twisted way, that may have been them actually validating us as a couple!

LUKE: Wow, that is twisted. And weird.

LORELAI [sighs]: Yeah.

LUKE: Well, I think I can walk now. Can you walk?

LORELAI: Yeah.

LUKE: All right. [He turns toward the truck, then stops.] Why did she say June third?

LORELAI: Oh, it's old information. They're always a step behind.

LUKE: Right. Hey, which one was Somerset Maugham?

RICH MAN'S SHOE - OUTSIDE

[Christopher exits the restaurant and makes a call on his cell phone. Scene cuts between here and Lorelai's living room.]

LORELAI: Hello?

CHRIS: Lore. It's me. Uh, you busy? Can you talk?

LORELAI: How come you have 'I've got the government’s secret microchip in my briefcase and they're on to me' voice?

CHRIS: Do I? Sorry.

LORELAI: What's wrong?

CHRIS: Nothing, I just finished having dinner with Rory.

LORELAI: Oh, yeah! How did the tour go? Did she take you to stare at the old books? 'Cause that girl loves staring at the old books.

CHRIS: Yes, we stared at the old books. The tour was great, I just - [He hesitates] - I have to tell you something.

LORELAI: Okay.

CHRIS: Now, I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to do this or not. Normally I wouldn't, because it feels like a fink-out thing, but I think this falls under the parent thing so that over-rules the fink-out thing -

LORELAI: Catch a wave, bud. You're drifting.

CHRIS: Rory moved in with her boyfriend.

LORELAI: What?

CHRIS: Rory moved in with her boyfriend and she said she was going to tell you, but I thought in case she didn't, then I should tell you. so I did and I feel like a fink.

LORELAI: You're not a fink. When did this happen?

CHRIS: Today. It was all very spur-of-the-moment. Hey, tell me about this guy. Do we hate him?

LORELAI: What?

CHRIS: Logan. Do we hate him? Am I supposed to hate him?

LORELAI: No, you can feel however you want about him.

CHRIS: Good, 'cause I think I like him. he's a cool guy. Great apartment, funny.

LORELAI: He's taken, Chris.

CHRIS: I just wanted to make sure that you didn't hate him before I committed to an opinion.

LORELAI: You're entitled to your own take on him.

CHRIS: What's yours?

LORELAI: Hey, for me, the jury's out on all you guys. You can thank Brad Pitt for that one.

CHRIS: Okay. So, anyhow, I told you.

LORELAI: Yeah. you told me. [She frowns.] Wow. Our little girl is living with her boyfriend.

CHRIS: Yeah, I had that moment too. It was during the onion brick so I had a little distraction. but I had it.

LORELAI [call waiting beeps.]: Yeah. Um, hey, hold on. [She switches to the other call.] Hello?

RORY: Mom, it's me.

LORELAI: Hey, you! Hold on a sec. [She switches back to Chris.] Chris, it's Rory.

CHRIS: Okay! Now, I did not tell you. Do not rat me out. When she tells you the news, you have to act surprised, okay?

LORELAI: Yes, I promise. It will be like the time you told me you got Pat Benatar tickets for my birthday but I already knew because I went through your jeans looking for the Clove cigarettes.

CHRIS: You knew?

LORELAI: Bye, Chris.

[She hangs up and switches back to Rory, as the scene cuts between Lorelai's house and Rory and Logan's living room.]

LORELAI: Hey, kid, what's going on?

RORY: Not much. Having a bad reaction to an onion brick.

LORELAI: What part of onion brick do you not understand?

RORY: I gave Dad his tour today.

LORELAI: Yeah?

RORY: It was nice. He saw the campus, we had dinner.

LORELAI: Aw, how very 7th Heaven of you!

RORY: Listen, I have some news. Two pieces of news, actually. One is good, and one is, let's say, interesting.

LORELAI: Oh, intrigue!

RORY: Well, first, I was made the new editor of the Yale Daily News.

LORELAI: No! Really? Rory, that's awesome!

RORY: It is awesome.

LORELAI: Oh my God, I didn't even know you were up for the job!

RORY: I wasn't, actually. It all kind of happened at the last minute.

LORELAI: Hey, wasn't Paris the editor of the Daily News?

RORY: Yes she was. Which brings me to my next piece of news.

LORELAI: Okay.

RORY: Paris was ousted. And when she found out that I had taken her place, she kind of kicked me out of the apartment.

LORELAI: Well, sure.

RORY: So I had no place to live, and there were absolutely no apartments for rent anywhere near campus, so - [she takes a deep breath] - I moved in with Logan.

LORELAI [too quickly]: Wow! Big news!

RORY: Yeah.

LORELAI: Well, jeez. Tell me about his place. Is it nice?

RORY [surprised at her reaction]: Uh, yeah. It's really nice.

LORELAI: Where is it?

RORY: The Taft building? Right off campus. Top floor.

LORELAI: Top floor, cool! Good view?

RORY: Great view.

LORELAI: Awesome! How many rooms?

RORY: Dad told you, didn't he?

LORELAI: Oh, come on, I was doing so well!

RORY: Please.

LORELAI: How did you know?

RORY: Are you kidding me? How's the view? Is his place nice? You didn't call me Hester Prynne once.

LORELAI: Don't be mad at him. He was just trying to do the Dad thing. He hated it, by the way.

RORY: I'm not mad.

LORELAI: Good.

RORY: So?

LORELAI: So what?

RORY: So, what do you think of me moving in with Logan?

LORELAI: I'm sorry, do you remember what happened the last time I piped in with my opinions on your life choices?

RORY: Mom, come on.

LORELAI [cringes]: You don't want to make sure the pool house is clean first?

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: Okay, well. Moving in. That's pretty big.

RORY: I know.

LORELAI: I mean, I don't know, I've never lived with a guy. There's that whole thing about the cow and the milk's free. I guess I would hate to think that you really moved in with him because there was a housing shortage. 'Cause it's a big step!

RORY: I love him.

LORELAI: Well, I want you to be happy.

RORY: I am happy. Really happy.

LORELAI: Okay then. Congratulations. Big day!

RORY: Thanks!

LORELAI: You're going to have to tell me how it is living with a guy before I let Luke move in. If it's too creepy he may have to stay with Babette.

RORY: I will.

LORELAI: I have heard some horror stories about toilet seats, you would not believe!

RORY: Really? Do tell. Oh, but wait, let me dim the lights and start the fire.

LORELAI: You have a fireplace?

RORY: Wood burning.

LORELAI: I don't think we can be friends anymore.