Épisode Un coup de baguette magique S06E05 - Gilmore Girls Saison 6

LUKE'S DINER

[Luke and Lorelai enter with a large amount of shopping bags.]

LORELAI: Oh! Winded! Too many steps!

LUKE: I said I'd carry them.

LORELAI: Need water! Gunga Din!

LUKE: They're not that heavy.

LORELAI: Yeah, you should take those steps out. They get in the way.

LUKE: First thing tomorrow. Man, you bought a lot of stuff.

LORELAI: All stuff I need, or want, or think I might someday need or want. Okay, now, let's find your new wallet!

LUKE: We can get it later.

LORELAI: No! It's buried in here somewhere. Have I looked in this bag already?

LUKE: You didn't have to buy me a new wallet. My old wallet was fine.

LORELAI: Your old wallet has Velcro.

LUKE: It works.

LORELAI: It's disgusting. Now come on, let's find it. Wait a second, what is this? [She pulls a large pair of pink underwear out of one of the bags.]

LUKE: Your underwear.

LORELAI: Uh, thanks a lot!

LUKE [laughing]: I didn't see how big they were. What are they doing in there?

LORELAI: Well, I'm guessing probably hiding from their real owners because I would hate to be wrapped around the woman who fit those.

LUKE: I just grabbed the wrong bag.

LORELAI [pulls out a pair of pink bunny slippers]: Aw, poor thing, she's single.

[Her cell phone rings. Luke clears his throat and points at the sign.]

LUKE: It still applies.

LORELAI [answering her phone]: Hello? Sookie? Sookie, slow down, I can't understand a word you're saying.

LUKE [holding up the bunny slippers]: She's got huge feet.

LORELAI: The inn's on fire?

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: Oh, the stove is on fire! Well, put it out! [Pause.] It's out. So you're saying there was a fire, but now it's out. Good! What's the damage?

LUKE: You had a fire?

LORELAI [raises her eyebrows at him]: Okay. Okay, good, I'll be right there. [She hangs up.] The wall behind the stove caught fire. There's damage but nothing major, thank God.

LUKE: Come on, I'll take you.

LORELAI: Oh my God, another fire at the inn. Like the Independence Inn. Oh no, am I a fire starter? I'm a fire starter, aren't I?

LUKE: You are not a fire starter. Caesar, we'll be right back!

LORELAI: What about the bags?

LUKE: Caesar will put the bags away. Let's go.

LORELAI: No, go first, in case things burst into flames behind me as I walk.

LUKE: Will do.

[They leave.]

OPENING CREDITS

DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN

[Lorelai, Sookie and Michel are discussing what happened, while Luke and Jackson inspect the damaged wall and the range hood above the oven.]

SOOKIE: I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. That's how traumatic it was!

MICHEL: She's been Scarlett O'Hara for two hours. It's sickening.

SOOKIE: My whole life. Flash! I mean, that's upsetting! You know, not that it's been a bad life, although I could have skipped seeing Mummenschanz.

LUKE: Do you want to hand me the screwdriver?

JACKSON: I would kind of need a third hand to do that.

LORELAI: Why are the boys bickering?

SOOKIE: There's something in the air today.

JACKSON: Could you not shine that in my face?

LUKE: Just move your face.

JACKSON: You mean, off of my head?

LORELAI: So, uh, Mutt and Jeff, what's the prognosis there?

LUKE: When's the last time you checked your duct work?

SOOKIE: Never. Oh, boy, I shouldn't be allowed in a kitchen!

LUKE: My guess is, with the grease buildup in the back, and ventilation's not great, the wall heated up and it burned.

LORELAI: So what do we do?

SOOKIE: Don't tell me we're shut down.

LUKE: You're going to have to repair the wall before you put the stove back, and you're going to have to clean your duct work.

JACKSON: Which means closing the kitchen 'till you do.

SOOKIE [sweetly]: Well, then fix it now.

JACKSON: You need a pro to do this.

LUKE: And if an insurance guy doesn't see it before you fix it, he won't pay.

MICHEL: Well, I've already talked to the insurance company. They've never heard of us.

LORELAI: That's impossible. We're customers. We send them a check every month.

MICHEL: The people I talked to - all very rude, by the way - said they don't even cover businesses such as ours.

LORELAI: Again, a mistake. I'll get the policy out, I'll call them myself. [To Luke and Jackson, as they are leaving.] Thank you.

LUKE [to Jackson]: You really should get a second screwdriver.

JACKSON: Nag, nag, nag.

GILMORE HOUSE - OUTSIDE

[The DAR ladies are having a meeting.]

NORA: We should be flamed.

NANCY: Don't over-react, Nora.

NORA: We should never have let it get to this point. We're all at fault here.

VIVIAN: It's a humiliation.

EMILY: Ladies, we know this. No one is more embarrassed than myself, but what are we going to do?

NANCY: How many tables are still unsold?

EMILY: Over half.

ALL THE WOMEN: Oh! Unbelievable!

VIVIAN: This is a function for our troops!

NORA: We'll be the laughingstock of the DAR! We'll lose our national accreditation, and this is a very weak drink!

EMILY: It's just punch, Nora.

NORA: My point, dear.

EMILY: I simply don't understand, people.

WOMAN: This money was designated for additional armor for the boys at Fort Drum.

VIVIAN: We've insulted the organization, insulted our troops...

NORA: We might as well all march to Mount Vernon and drop our drawers and do something foul on George Washington's grave.

EMILY: Nora!

NORA: I'm sorry, but I'm really upset about this, and I'm far too sober to put it into any sort of perspective.

RORY: But the function's still a week away. There's time to fix this.

[The ladies all moan.]

VIVIAN: Rory, you're darling.

EMILY: She's new, ladies.

VIVIAN: A week is nothing.

EMILY: Again, what do we do?

NANCY: We should cancel the event.

[The ladies sigh sadly.]

EMILY: This is a nightmare.

VIVIAN: Is Constance not showing her face on purpose?

EMILY: Would you?

RORY: Why would Constance -

EMILY: She's running the event. Into the ground. I blame myself. I let her talk me into it.

NANCY: She's never slipped up like this before.

RORY: Is it definitely too late to do something?

EMILY: To do what?

RORY: I don't know. To publicize the event more. Get those tables sold.

EMILY: We spent our budget for publicity. We're wiped out.

RORY: But a budget is just an estimation. It's guesswork. Fake numbers. In any business endeavor, sometimes it makes sense to run a deficit in order to achieve a bigger payoff later.

NORA [amazed]: We're lunching with Grover Norquist.

RORY: Well, have we tried getting the word out online? A lot can be done that way. And maybe we could add some entertainment, or a theme. Send out some e-mails. E-mailing doesn't cost a thing.

EMILY: We hadn't thought about e-mail.

RORY: I think there's a way to correct this. A week is plenty of time.

NORA: Well, well, well. We have a star amongst us.

RORY: Who?

NORA: You!

RORY: Me?

NORA: Take it over!

RORY: What?

VIVIAN: I think that's a wonderful idea!

EMILY: I don't know, we have a mountain here, ladies.

NORA: We're screwing the pooch, Emily, and we've got to go balls out. [Emily looks scandalized.] I, for one, will not have those priggish twigs from the New York chapters lording this over us. We need to take a swing here, and Babe Ruth sits before us.

EMILY: You shouldn't feel pressured.

RORY: I know.

NORA: My sense is that if Rory doesn't think she can do it, she'll turn us down.

EMILY: I suppose that's true.

NORA: What do you say, slugger?

RORY [smiles]: I'll do it.

[They cheer.]

NORA: Let's ring Constance.

NANCY: We'll put you in touch with the people at the venue immediately.

NORA: And you'll have an assistant, Lacey. You'll love her.

WOMAN: I'd look at the menu.

NORA: And we'll set up a discretionary fund. This publicity idea you were thinking of may be the key.

[They start chattering excitedly. Emily looks very worried.]

SOOKIE'S HOUSE

[Davey sits watching TV too loudly. Luke, Lorelai and Jackson are sitting at the table. Sookie enters from the kitchen.]

SOOKIE: Dig in, everybody.

LORELAI: I'm past digging. I'm burrowing. This is delicious.

SOOKIE [sitting]: Tri-tip on the barbecue. You can't beat it. Oh, hey, you turn the barbecue off?

JACKSON: Barbecue is off.

LORELAI: Good stuff, huh?

LUKE: Really good.

JACKSON: Thanks. Excuse me. [He calls out.] Davey! Turn the volume down!

LUKE: Vegetables are good, Sookie.

SOOKIE: Thanks, Luke! Davey, you heard your father! Turn it down!

LORELAI: Oh, I'll turn it down.

SOOKIE: No, we want Davey to do it.

JACKSON: That's how he learns. You heard me, son, turn it down!

SOOKIE: Turn it down!

JACKSON: Right now.

SOOKIE: Oh, I need a lemon slice! [She heads back into the kitchen.]

JACKSON: So did anybody see that new show on TV last night?

LORELAI: The one where they were solving crimes by cutting people's bodies open and poking their organs?

JACKSON: No.

SOOKIE [from the kitchen]: The one where they're solving crimes from thirty years ago by going to graveyards, and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?

JACKSON: No.

LORELAI: Oh. The one where people are missing and then they find their bodies and cut them open and poke their organs, and that's how they solve crimes?

JACKSON: No.

LORELAI: What else is on?

JACKSON: You've got to turn the TV down, son!

LORELAI: Are you sure you don't want me to -

JACKSON: He's got to learn. You heard me, son! Volume down.

SOOKIE [from the kitchen]: Volume down!

JACKSON: Listen to your mother! What's that show I'm thinking of?

SOOKIE: I'm back. [She giggles and sits down.] You like the squash, Luke?

JACKSON: This is going to bug me!

SOOKIE: Oh! I forgot the pepper plate. [She jumps up again.]

LORELAI: Sookie, you're food's getting cold!

JACKSON: I thought you liked squash.

LUKE: Nope.

JACKSON: What's that vegetable I thought you liked?

[Luke shakes his head.]

LORELAI: Hey, Sookie, do you have a fork for Paul Anka? He likes his own fork. Uh, plastic preferred?

SOOKIE: Got one here.

JACKSON: Oh, now, this is going to bug me. What is that vegetable?

SOOKIE: Plastic's too high for me to reach. It's up there.

LORELAI: Oh, I'll get it. You have to eat! [She gets up.]

SOOKIE: Jackson, what's that smell?

JACKSON: Oh, man, I left the barbecue on.

SOOKIE: We cannot set this place on fire too. I have had enough fires this week.

JACKSON: I'll get it. [He gets up and walks past Davey.] Turn the volume down, Davey, I'm not going to tell you twice!

LORELAI [sing-song-y, to Paul Anka]: Here you go, it's nice and lean, just the way you like it. [She feeds him some meat off a fork.]

SOOKIE: A dog that doesn't like fat is just weird.

LORELAI: He's not weird. He's trying to maintain his bathing suit figure.

SOOKIE: So, speaking of my least favorite word in the world - fire - where are we with the insurance company?

LORELAI: Uh, nowhere. I got the same run-around they gave Michel.

SOOKIE: Then let's just do the work. Forget the insurance. Give me back my kitchen.

LORELAI: Tom's all ready to jump in, but we can't afford to do it without the insurance money, that's why we have insurance.

SOOKIE: We have stupid insurance. I mean, this policy, wasn't it set up by your -

LORELAI: Yes.

SOOKIE: So, if we're getting the run-around, doesn't that mean that you have to -

LORELAI: Yes.

SOOKIE: Sorry.

LORELAI: I know. Seemed like a good idea at the time. [She sighs.] I'll call him tomorrow.

[Jackson re-enters as Martha starts to cry.]

JACKSON: Barbecue's off.

SOOKIE: Martha's up.

JACKSON: I'm on it. Turn the TV down, Davey!

SOOKIE: Turn it down! You heard us, turn it down!

[Paul Anka barks.]

SOOKIE [losing patience]: I'm going to count to ten, Davey, then the TV's going off for the rest of the week. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

[As Sookie counts, the baby cries, the dog barks and the TV blares, Luke eats his food calmly. Lorelai smiles at him appreciatively and then looks sort of sad.]

ELDER GILMORE HOUSE

[Richard and Emily sit reading quietly. Emily is antsy. Finally she can't take it anymore.]

EMILY: She threw out the menu.

RICHARD: Hmm?

EMILY: Rory. She's changed the entire menu.

RICHARD [still reading]: What menu?

EMILY: Richard, listen when I talk to you!

RICHARD: I'm sorry, Emily. It takes a second to emerge from Samuel Beckett. He's a strange man. [He closes his book and looks at her.] Go on.

EMILY: Rory threw out the entire menu for the Fort Drum event. I mean, granted, Constance was going with Cornish game hen, been there done that, and her fetish for Brussels sprouts is upsetting. But to throw out the entire menu? So close to the event?

RICHARD: I can't say that I'm a big fan of DAR cuisine. So I may not be of much help.

EMILY: I'm trying not to butt in, but how can I not worry?

RICHARD [re-opens his book]: By not thinking about it.

EMILY: Is there still a USO?

RICHARD: I think so. Why?

EMILY: That's the theme. The USO. Or that's where it's being held. Oh, my God. She didn't change the menu and the location! Is that possible?

RICHARD: You should ask her.

EMILY: I'm trying to keep out of it.

RICHARD: You're doing a terrific job.

EMILY: She's not serving salmon puffs.

RICHARD [slams his book shut]: Good night, Mr. Beckett.

EMILY: We've never not served salmon puffs. Not in twenty-five years have we staged an event without salmon puffs.

RICHARD: Emily, please. It's Rory. What she tackles, she conquers. This girl could name the state capitals at three. Recite the periodic table at four. Discuss Schopenhauer's influence on Nietzsche when she was ten. She's read every book by every author with a Russian surname and had a 4.2 grade point average at one of the toughest schools on the east coast. If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has a good reason to exclude salmon puffs. And I, for one, have complete confidence in her ability to tackle this job. And so should you.

EMILY [resigned]: Fine. Go back to your Beckett.

RICHARD: Thank you. [He opens his book.]

EMILY [mournfully]: Salmon puffs.

DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN

[Sookie is giving her staff a pep talk. Lorelai stands nearby.]

SOOKIE: We'll show them, huh guys! We'll show them you don't need fancy stuff like stoves in order to make a delicious meal. We've got salads. We've got lots and lots of salads. Caprese and endive and arugula and, oh! Cold sandwiches, and beef Carpaccio and tuna Carpaccio and vegetable Carpaccio, and oh, my God, I need my friggin' stove back. I'm dying here.

LORELAI: Okay, hang in there, hon. [To the kitchen staff.] Thanks.

[They scatter as Richard enters with a colleague.]

RICHARD: Lorelai. I hope it's all right walking in like this. I knew where the kitchen was, so I just figured I'd come back. Sookie. [He nods to her.]

SOOKIE: Our knight in shining armor, Mr. Gilmore.

RICHARD: This is Harris. He'll do the inspection and the lay of the land. Shouldn't take long. [to Harris] Go ahead and start. [He heads behind the stove.] I should apologize for the red tape and the delay. As a rule, we don't take on small accounts like this, except under extraordinary circumstances. Until the news reached me desk, no one was sure of what to do.

LORELAI: Uh-huh.

RICHARD: I can write you a check today. I figured that would please you.

[Sookie smiles widely.]

LORELAI: Terrific.

SOOKIE: I better go call Tom and see if he can race right over here and start the work. [She nods at Richard.] Bless you, sir. You're my golden god.

[She leaves. Lorelai and Richard spend a moment watching Harris do his inspection, to avoid looking at each other. Lorelai glances over.]

LORELAI: So, um, how's your big plan working out?

RICHARD: Excuse me?

LORELAI: Oh, your big plan for Rory. How's that going, Dad?

RICHARD: Let me know if you need anything, Harris.

LORELAI: Is she back at Yale?

RICHARD [sighs]: Lorelai.

LORELAI: Oh, I take it she's not?

RICHARD: No, she's not.

LORELAI: Huh. But it's in the works.

RICHARD: We'll be here ten minutes.

LORELAI: No, wait. Let me guess. You're going to trick her into going back. Right? Like, you'll drive up, and drop her off at Yale, then you'll drive away really quickly, before she catches on. Is that one of the plans?

RICHARD: Is there anything I can do to expedite this, Harris?

LORELAI: You see that family of Logan's recently? The... Hamburgers?

RICHARD: Huntzbergers.

LORELAI: Right, right. How are the old Huntzbergers? They behaving any better than that night they humiliated your granddaughter?

RICHARD: They did not humiliate her.

LORELAI: Rory said they did.

RICHARD: I know the Huntzbergers. They're fine people. What happened that night was a misunderstanding, because they have nothing against Rory.

LORELAI: No?

RICHARD: Why would they?

LORELAI: Ask them!

RICHARD: It's not true.

LORELAI: Well, then that granddaughter of yours, what a liar.

RICHARD: Harris, take a couple of pictures and we'll go. We just need the quote from your contractor in writing. Send all his bills directly to me.

LORELAI: Will do.

RICHARD: Good bye.

[He leaves, with Harris right behind him.]

LORELAI [to herself]: It's been lovely.

RORY'S POOL HOUSE

[Rory is consulting with a few party planners in the kitchen.]

RORY: What about silverware?

GLENDA: I can get you 1940's, the real thing! It's plates, though. Plates are a toughie.

LACEY: Plates break.

GLENDA: I can get you a couple dozen, hand painted. Not a hundred.

RORY: So, what's our best bet? An off-white, new but made to look vintage?

MAN: Off-white would be super.

RORY: And they should be heavy, right? Solid.

GLENDA: Oh, my servers are going to love that.

RORY: Then not too heavy. Lacey, get me samples of all of this?

LACEY: Will do.

RORY: Now, there must be a color photo of the Hollywood Canteen. We've checked the internet. The library?

LACEY: The Getty in California has one in their collection but they're very flaky on the phone.

RORY: Oh, California.

MAN: So over the west coast.

RORY: A bunch of granola heads.

[Lacey's cell phone rings.]

LACEY: Rory Gilmore's phone. Who's calling? [Pause.] One moment, please. [She covers the mouthpiece.] It's Logan Huntzberger?

RORY: I'll take that. [She takes the phone and walks away from the group.] Hello?

[Scene cuts between Rory and Logan, walking briskly through the Yale campus.]

LOGAN: Oh my God, who was that?

RORY: My assistant. I forwarded my phone to hers.

LOGAN: You have an assistant?

RORY: Just for this DAR thing. I get a million calls.

LOGAN: I consider myself lucky to be patched through.

RORY: You have priority clearance.

LOGAN: So good news, I got the PA system you wanted at the price you wanted.

RORY: Really? Cool. Lacey, PA system, done.

LACEY: Excellent. [She marks it on her list.]

RORY: That's great.

LOGAN: This guy's done the sound at every party I've ever thrown. He's the best in the business.

[Someone knocks at the door in the pool house.]

RORY: And oh, goody, Paris is here. And she looks upset.

LOGAN: That and a bulldozer would knock me over.

PARIS [from outside]: Excuse me! The door is locked!

LACEY: Do you know her?

RORY [laughing]: Let her in, then hide. [to Logan] I'll call you later.

LOGAN: Bye. [They hang up.]

[Lacey opens the door for a glaring Paris.]

PARIS [mimicking]: Do you know her? I'm only her best friend, who the hell are you?

RORY: Paris, come here. Calm down. What's wrong?

PARIS [frantic]: I'm broke.

RORY: Broke. How?

PARIS: My parents flipped the bird at the IRS one too many times. They've frozen everything. All I've got is my trust fund, which doesn't kick in until I'm twenty five. So unless you can whip out a magic wand and age me four years, I'm a goner.

RORY: Sit down. Calm down.

[They go around and sit down on the couch.]

PARIS: My ATM refused me. I thought it was just that particular one, so I went to another and they refused me too. So I went to the bank and used a few choice expletives and a bunch of guys in suits started closing in on me, so I started pacing and yelling 'Attica! Attica!' and then the manager hit a little red button under his desk so I ran out of there and came right over here. I'm a popper. I'll be playing a hurdy-gurdy on street corners and selling pencils out of a tin cup.

RORY: Slow down!

PARIS: Yale's paid for. Through the end of the year, thank God. But what'll I do about everything else I need? What'll I do?

RORY: You'll just have to do what everyone else who needs money has to do.

PARIS: What's that?

RORY: What people do.

PARIS: What am I, a mind reader?

RORY: Get a job.

PARIS: A job. I've never had a job. I don't know the first thing about having a job. All I've got on my resume is academic achievements, which will mean doodly squat when I'm in line with eleven thousand people vying for an opening in the garden department at Wal-Mart.

RORY: Paris! Wait. As you said, Yale is paid for. That's the bright side. >From now on you'll just have to keep your expenses low. And I could get you some work. Right away, how would that be?

PARIS: Really?

RORY: Yes. I know you'll be a hard worker, that's a given.

PARIS: I definitely would be. And you know I speak Chinese and Farsi, if that'll help.

RORY: Well, I need servers for the food. You could do that, right?

PARIS: I think so.

RORY: See? You're on the road to recovery.

PARIS: Oh. Thanks! [She stands up and joins the group in the kitchen.] And I'll work my butt off, too, Glenda. Oh, and I know a smattering of ancient Aramaic, if that helps.

GLENDA: It could.

MAN: If Christ shows up.

PARIS [snaps]: And who are you?

RORY: Go home, Paris. You've had a rough day.

PARIS: I guess.

RORY: I'll call you with the details.

PARIS: Thanks. [She crosses over and whispers to her.] Hey, uh, can you spot me a twenty?

RORY: Sure. [She reaches into her purse.]

PARIS: Five? Twenty five?

RORY: Uh, here you go.

PARIS: Thanks.

[She leaves.]

RORY [to Glenda]: I owe you. More than you currently realize. Okay, where were we?

LORELAI'S HOUSE

[Lorelai enters the kitchen. Luke is cooking dinner.]

LORELAI: Mm.

LUKE: Pasta's almost done, sauce is close too.

LORELAI: You know, we could have just used the store-bought stuff I have.

LUKE: Oh, that stuff is junk!

LORELAI: It's delicious Italian sauce!

LUKE: Okay, first off, it's not. Second, all you had was four already open jars, two of which I couldn't get the lids off of.

LORELAI: Somebody needs some gym time.

LUKE: One of them had a layer of white fuzz on it.

LORELAI: That was a little gross.

LUKE: And the last one, green fuzz.

LORELAI: Also gross.

LUKE: I make better, just like Mama taught me.

LORELAI: I know you do. How's Paul Anka's dinner coming?

LUKE: His hamburger's close too.

LORELAI: You're not overcooking it, 'cause you know he likes it rare-plus. Not too rare, but not medium-rare.

[Luke notices a flyer for Miss Patty's dance recital on the fridge.]

LUKE: I'm cooking it to his exacting specifications. Miss Patty's having a recital?

LORELAI: Oh, yeah! It's her big, annual show. All her kids in all her classes get to perform. It's be there or be square, best show in town.

LUKE: This Thursday, right? That's a good night. I can have Caesar close for me.

LORELAI: Why?

LUKE: So I can go with you?

LORELAI: Oh, no. Luke, you're not going to this recital.

LUKE: Why not?

LORELAI: Because it's a night of kids dancing? Singing. Twirling batons. You'll hate it.

LUKE [smiling]: No, I won't.

LORELAI: Yes, you will.

LUKE: Not my first choice in entertainment, but I'll go.

LORELAI: Luke, no! You have been sacrificing too much of yourself these past few months. You go with me to my movies. You tag along when I go shopping. And that dinner at Sookie and Jackson's - how you kept from killing us all I'll never know!

LUKE: I haven't been complaining about any of this!

LORELAI: I know, and that has filled me with no end of guilt. You've been a saint. But you've got to do your Luke stuff, too. When was the last time you went camping or fishing?

LUKE: You don't like camping or fishing.

LORELAI: That shouldn't stop you from camping or fishing.

LUKE: I'd go if I felt like it.

LORELAI: Well, then go Thursday while I'm at the recital. I'll go with Sookie. It'll be fun with her.

LUKE: You sure?

LORELAI: Yeah! Go! You haven't been camping in forever. Be Grizzly Adams.

LUKE [nodding]: Okay, sure. I'll go camping.

LORELAI: Good. [She glances at Paul Anka's hamburger.] Oh, it's officially -

LUKE: Oh, medium-rare, not rare-plus. I'll get him another.

[He scoops the hamburger out of the frying pan.]

GILMORE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

[Rory is having dinner with her grandparents. She stares down at her cell phone as she eats.]

RICHARD: I don't know why I bother. The great books take a lifetime to read as it is, but if you heed the word of Mortimer Adler one needs to read a classic three times to fully comprehend its meaning.

RORY [glances up at him]: Yeah.

RICHARD: I wonder if Mortimer ever read Euclid’s Geometry three times. That's a fun read. [He laughs and looks at Rory.] Have you read Euclid’s Geometry?

RORY: Me? No.

RICHARD: It doesn't get any drier. What have you been reading lately? I keep forgetting to ask.

RORY [picks up her cell phone and looks panicked. She types nervously.]

EMILY: Rory.

RORY: Sorry, guys. The event's right around the corner and I just keep thinking of things I have to do. I'm just text-ing Lacey.

EMILY: So how's that going?

RORY: Good. Really good.

EMILY: Good. Did Lacey mention partitions?

RORY: Partitions?

EMILY: At Watford Hall. It's so big, and these partitions can cut the room where ever you like, so it won't look so empty. They're not very decorative, but they work.

RORY: Hold on just a second. [She finishes her message and sets the phone down.] Partitions?

EMILY: For the room.

RORY: But we won't have any room. We're sold out.

EMILY: Sold out? That's not possible.

RORY: Oh, it's a fact. The theme got people's attention. Plus the online campaign went like Gamebusters. We're having to turn people away. That's what I was text-ing Lacey about. I'm trying to squeeze in a few more but we're fighting the fire department over it.

EMILY: You're turning people away?

RORY: But still encouraging them to give a sizeable donation to our boys.

RICHARD: Brilliant!

EMILY [proudly]: Sold out!

RICHARD: I knew you could do it.

EMILY: Good job!

RORY: Thank you!

EMILY: Continue text-ing.

RORY: Oh, thank you.

[She grabs her phone.]

USO PARTY

[Before the event, Rory is walking through the venue with Lacey, checking things over.]

RORY: Oh, when the band gets here, grab Jerry and get them to do a sound check. Make sure they're happy with the sound, not just Jerry, because - [she turns around and notices that Lacey isn't following her.] Lacey! Where's my Lacey?

LACEY [rushes up to her]: Here.

RORY: Come on, honey, keep up.

LACEY: I spotted the security guard, so I filled him in.

RORY: Excellent. Cross that off the list. Servers are here?

LACEY: Got 'em all waiting in the back.

RORY: Excellent.

[A group of men are setting up a large poster of Betty Grable.]

RORY: Whoa, gently, there, boys. Betty's life was tough enough.

USO PARTY - KITCHEN

[Rory enters with Lacey behind her.]

RORY: Hey, Paris.

PARIS: Rory! I clocked in.

RORY: Cool.

PARIS: They gave me this card, and it had my name on it, and I shoved it in the clock thing and it made the punchy sound am I'm officially on the job.

RORY: Great.

PARIS: And I'm prepared, too. I was a little nervous last night about making small talk with my co-workers, so I went to the video store and rented Working Girl and the first season of Just Shoot Me. Got a couple of Wendie Malick bon mots that have already come in handy.

RORY: Very good. Welcome.

PARIS: Thanks, boss.

RORY: I'm going to welcome the whole group, here.

PARIS: No problem.

[Rory turns to where the servers are assembled.]

RORY: Hello! You must be my servers. I'm Rory Gilmore, I'm running this little shindig. How are all of you today?

SERVERS [all at once]: Great. Good. Fine.

RORY: You all come highly recommended by Glenda, our catering manager, so I know you're all top notch.

PARIS [from beside Rory]: Yeah. Super. Looks like a good group. Good group.

RORY [gently]: Um, you know, you should probably be standing over with the others.

PARIS: Oh, right! I'm one of them. Got it. Sorry.

RORY: So, it's going to be hard work tonight. We have a hundred people dining with us. But I want you to have fun, too. We have your outfits on a rack over here. Your names should be on them. It's a good cause, so let's get changed and go do!

[Rory leaves the kitchen. The servers pick up their outfits.]

PARIS [to another girl]: So, working hard, or hardly working? Oh my, oh my, I love it!

MISS PATTY'S DANCE STUDIO

[Sookie and Lorelai enter for the recital.]

WOMAN [handing out programs]: Here you go.

LORELAI: Thank you.

SOOKIE: So where's Luke tonight?

LORELAI: As we speak he's off communing with nature.

SOOKIE: Oh! Good for him. [Reading the program] Oooh! The ballerinas are doing Swan Lake. That always makes me cry.

LORELAI: Oh, Patty's packed it all in. Baton twirling, a modeling exhibition. She's added a couple new features, too.

SOOKIE: Yeah, what's Krumping?

LORELAI: Um, like hip-hop dancing? More herky-jerky.

SOOKIE: And what is pubic speaking?

LORELAI: I'm hoping it's a misprint.

SOOKIE: I hope so, too.

PATTY: Welcome, everybody, to the twenty-eighth annual Miss Patty's School Grand Recital! [Applause.] Thank you. We have a lot on the program tonight, so without further ado, please welcome my intermediate pupils as they welcome you. Hit it, boys!

LORELAI: She always does a fun opening number.

[The piano starts up. A boy, alone on stage, starts singing "Magic to do" from Pippin, wearing a cheesy show-biz costume.]

BOY [singing]: Join us, leave your field to flower. Join us, leave your cheese to sour. Join us, come and waste an hour or two.

LORELAI: Isn't he cute?

SOOKIE: Darling.

BOY [jumping off the stage]: Doodly-doo.

[The rest of the kids come down the aisles, dancing and singing.]

KIDS [singing]: Journey, journey to a spot ex-citing, mystic and exotic.

SOOKIE: Uh-oh. They're in the audience.

LORELAI [with a kid waving around her face]: Oh, I hate it when they come into the audience.

KIDS [singing]: Journey through our anecdotic revue.

LORELAI: Yeah, this - this is not good.

KIDS [singing]: We've got magic to do, just for you. We've got miracle plays to play. [Patty dances along proudly. The kids throw glitter on the audience.]

LORELAI [groaning]: Oh, blowing stuff on us!

KIDS [singing]: As we go along our way, we've got magic to do, just for you!

USO PARTY

[An Andrews Sisters look-alike group is singing “Bei Mir Bist Du Shon”. The party is getting underway. Rory and Lacey, now in costume, circulate, keeping things in order.]

RORY: People seem hungry tonight. Tell -

LACEY: Glenda to speed the trays up a bit.

RORY: Yeah, and let the sound guy know -

LACEY: That the drums are a little loud?

RORY: It's a tad warm -

LACEY: Already had them adjust the A/C.

RORY [smiling]: Any incoming choppers, Radar?

LACEY: Choppers? No. What do you mean?

RORY: Oh, that was a joke, Lacey.

LACEY: Oh. Sorry.

RORY: You're a doll. Remember to have a little fun tonight, too.

LACEY: Will do.

RORY: Okay.

LACEY: Radar. I get it now. That was funny. I'll be back.

[Rory and Lacey exit. Paris enters, in costume, with a tray of appetizers and offers it to a guest.]

PARIS: Appetizers?

MAN: Oh, thank you.

PARIS: You're welcome. [He eats it.] So, how was that?

MAN: Oh, it was fine. Very good.

PARIS: I meant the transaction. I'd love a performance review. Come on, be my Dave Navarro.

MAN: Um, you were fine.

PARIS: I'm going to need more. It was T.S. Elliott who said criticism is as inevitable as breathing, and said that we should be none the worse for articulating what passes in our mind when we read a book, see a play or - now I'm elaborating - pass a cheddar and olive ball. I need some feedback.

MAN: Really. You offered it to me well, it all seemed great, and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

PARIS: Good. Thank you, this has been a help.

[She leaves. Emily and Richard enter, delighted with the decor.]

GREETER: Welcome to the Hollywood Canteen.

RICHARD: Thank you. We're the Gilmores.

EMILY: Richard, look at this place!

RICHARD: It's wonderful!

GREETER: Here's your table number, and take a pin, both of you.

RICHARD: Oh, thank you.

EMILY: Yes, thank you. [They walk in.] Oh, I love this song. And look at the band! It's the Andrews sisters!

RICHARD: They've kept in pretty good shape!

RORY [walking up]: Hi, guys!

RICHARD [laughing]: Oh, looks like you've got a hit on your hands!

RORY: So far, so good! No one's dancing, though.

EMILY: Oh, it's early! You'll see plenty of dancing after dinner.

RICHARD: You'll see some dancing right now. [He takes Emily's hand.]

EMILY: Richard, it's before dinner! There's no dancing during appetizers!

RICHARD: Come on, let's show these fuddy-duddies how it's done.

[Rory smiles as she watches them dance in front of the stage as the Andrews Sisters look-alikes sing "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree".]

FOREST

[Luke sits alone beside his tent, holding a stick in his small fire. He looks bored.]

USO PARTY

[Dinner is being served. Richard and Emily are sitting with Nancy Osgood.]

RICHARD: My father was a huge Benny Goodman fan. Hated Glenn Miller, hated him! Always claimed it wasn't the enemy who shot down that plane of his, but music lovers.

EMILY: Oh, Richard, that's a horrible thing to say!

RICHARD: It was my father who said it.

EMILY: But you just repeated it!

[Rory joins them at the table.]

EMILY: Here's the woman of the hour!

RICHARD: Ah.

RORY: How's the food, everybody?

NANCY: The macaroni and cheese, what an inspiration!

RICHARD: Rory, please accept my profound for serving food at a DAR event which is remarkable edible.

EMILY: Oh, Richard, we always have good food!

RICHARD: Well, you have fancy good food. If I never look at another duck's liver for the rest of my life I will be a happy man.

[Rory smiles proudly. Lacey approaches her.]

LACEY: Rory, could I pull you away for just a second?

RORY: Sure. Excuse me, everybody.

NANCY: She's so poised. Like you, Emily.

[Lacey and Rory confer privately.]

LACEY: A party's arrived. I'm looking, looking. They did not RSVP but they're expecting a table.

RORY: Oh, great. Where are they?

LACEY: By the war box table. It's Shira Huntzberger. She waltzed in with a group of ladies and made it very clear that she expected to be accommodated.

RORY [bitingly]: Did she?

LACEY: Not very nicely, either.

RORY: Oh, what a shock.

LACEY: But you know her, right? That's your boyfriend's mother.

RORY: Yeah, yeah, I know her.

LACEY: I didn't mean to insult her before. She was just very abrupt.

RORY: It's okay, I'll take care of it.

LACEY: Here's the seating chart.

RORY: Thanks.

[She takes the paper into the kitchen. Paris is in there filling a tray.]

PARIS: Hey, boss! It's interesting, you know, Karl Marx has come alive for me today. I never understood what he was yammering about before and now it just seems so obviously wrong that those who control capital should make their fortunes off the labor of the working class. What's wrong with you?

RORY: Shira Huntzberger is here!

PARIS: Logan's mom?

RORY: She showed up with no warning! No RSVP, no donation to the cause that I know of. Just sashayed in expecting everyone to fall at her feet!

PARIS: I hate that!

RORY: I hate her! Hate. Strong, unadulterated, blind, argh!

PARIS: Wow. You're always so Desmond Tutu-y. This is refreshing.

RORY: I should tell her to leave. I should march up to her and tell her to grab those arrogance-dripping petulance-oozing surgically cosmeticized bims she brought along and hit the bricks!

PARIS: I bet they all have money, too. Every one of those commodity fetishists.

RORY: How can she expect a table? The tables are for the people who are polite enough to respond to an invitation in the proper manner!

PARIS: I bet the Romanovs never RSVP'd either. They got theirs, capitalist scum.

RORY: I hate her!

PARIS: I hate the rich! A hard rain is gonna fall, you know what I'm saying?

RORY: I really hate her!

PARIS: They should die.

RORY: I should probably give her a table.

PARIS: What?

RORY: Well, we have a spare table. I kept it open in case of something like this. I should give it to her.

PARIS: But she doesn't deserve it!

RORY: I know, but this is business! It's not personal. I should give her that table.

PARIS: Fine. Whatever you think. You're the boss. Hey, boss, how much are you being paid in this job of yours?

[Rory looks at her and walks out of the kitchen. Back in the dining room, she collects herself for a moment before walking over to Shira.]

RORY [brightly]: Mrs. Huntzberger.

SHIRA: Rory, hi! What are you doing here?

RORY: I'm running this event.

SHIRA: I didn't know!

RORY: Well, now you do.

SHIRA: I think I've been bad.

RORY: Oh, really, why?

SHIRA: I just showed up without any warning. I didn't think I could come, so I didn't call. Then I could, and the group and I just came down.

RORY [smiling]: It happens.

SHIRA: That's what I told that other girl. She was a bit rude.

RORY: Lacey? I'll talk to her.

SHIRA: Could you get us a table?

RORY: Of course!

SHIRA: It's not a problem?

RORY: Oh, not at all. Come with me, it's all set up.

[She leads the ladies to the spare table.]

SHIRA: Oh, you are the best!

RORY: It's just my job.

SHIRA: So no Logan?

RORY: Not tonight.

SHIRA: Not his thing?

RORY: Oh, you know Logan. Here we are.

SHIRA: Thank you so much. And you look so pretty.

RORY: Oh, so do you. Have a good time.

SHIRA: I'm sure we will.

[As soon as Rory leaves the table, her smile disappears and is replaced by a very angry expression.]

USO PARTY - LATER

[Richard and Emily are chatting with Vivian, the red-haired woman from the DAR meeting.]

VIVIAN: You've created a superstar, here, tonight, Emily, I hope you know that!

EMILY: Well, yes, I do.

VIVIAN: There's already talk of giving her the AA.

RICHARD: An AA?

VIVIAN: An Abigail Adams, for distinguished service above and beyond.

EMILY: She deserves it.

VIVIAN: She's made this a must-be-at event. I'm guessing that's what brought Shira here.

EMILY: Shira? Shira Huntzberger's here?

VIVIAN: Rumsfeld himself will probably call her and thank her for the donation she made on the way in. Hillbilly armor will be a thing of the past.

EMILY: Where's she sitting?

VIVIAN: Up front, the table by the band.

EMILY: Oh my God.

RICHARD: What?

EMILY: Oh my God, excuse me.

[Richard shrugs to Vivian. Emily approaches Rory at the other end of the bar.]

EMILY: Rory, where's the seating chart?

RORY: What? Why?

EMILY: There's been a terrible mistake.

RORY: What mistake?

EMILY: You sat Shira Huntzberger at the slush table.

RORY: It was all that was available.

EMILY: The slush table is a loser table!

RORY: But why would we have a loser table?

EMILY: It's for people who show up unannounced!

RORY: She was unannounced.

EMILY: There's people, then there's the Huntzbergers. They cannot sit at that table. This needs to be rectified.

RORY: I don't know what I can do. Every table's taken.

EMILY: I'll take care of it. Give me the seating chart. We'll find someone to bump, there's always someone to bump.

RORY: Grandma, it doesn't seem fair to bump someone.

EMILY: It's not, but if we don't find better seating for the Huntzbergers it'll be a major faux pas and it may be the only thing people remember from this otherwise wonderful event.

RORY: Wow.

EMILY: Yes.

RORY: Well, thank you for helping. And it's not the Huntzbergers.

EMILY: What?

RORY: You keep saying 'the Huntzbergers'. It's only Shira and some friends.

EMILY: And Mitchum.

RORY: No.

EMILY: Yes. He's right over there.

[Rory glances over and sees Mitchum laughing with some men. Her face falls.]

EMILY [gasps happily]: The Beddertons! Perfect! We'll bump Constance Bedderton, it's a win-win.

[Emily rushes over to the table, as Rory gathers up her papers and hurries into the kitchen, crushed.]

RORY: Paris!

PARIS: I'm just on my break. But you're white as a sheet.

RORY: I'm having trouble breathing.

PARIS: You're having a panic attack!

RORY: I think so!

PARIS: Don't worry. I have these all the time.

RORY: What do I do?

PARIS: Well, it depends. There are different kinds. Does it feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest?

RORY: No.

PARIS: Does your chest feel like an over-inflated balloon with a slow leak?

RORY: I - uh, not really.

PARIS: Sharp needles intermittently poking into your left ventricle?

RORY: I don't know from ventricles but there is a needle thing.

PARIS: You need diazepam. Fifty - no, a hundred milligrams. I'll get my purse.

RORY: No, no, I don't want any diazepam.

PARIS: Well, what do you want? Fluoxetine? Protryptaline? I have others floating around in the bottom of my purse, I have no idea what they are but just popping a few can't hurt. Pretty hot grab bag.

RORY: These people. Those people! They didn't even RSVP! That's not right! This is for our boys, they need to make a donation!

PARIS: Tough night for you, huh?

RORY: Shira's one thing. I can deal with her. But Mitchum - [She shakes her head.] I can't see him! I can't face him. It's too much! After what he did, what he said to me!

PARIS [gently]: What did he say to you?

RORY: If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have -

PARIS: You wouldn't have what? Rory?

RORY: Nothing. Nothing. He's just - they're just not the nicest people.

PARIS: Oh, the rich never are. 'Cause they don't have to be. When you control the means of production, it reduces the incentive to humanize workers. The capitalist system -

RORY: You know, I haven't eaten all day. I think I should eat. That's my problem.

[She walks out.]

PARIS: Sure, boss. Go eat. There's probably somewhere else where you eat, right? A special room.

MISS PATTY'S DANCE RECITAL

[A group of ballerinas are performing Swan Lake. Sookie is getting teary.]

SOOKIE: It's just so damn beautiful.

LORELAI [rubs her arm]: I know, honey.

[The ballerinas finish. The audience applauds.]

MISS PATTY: The Miss Patty ballerinas, everybody! [After the applause ends] Now, I would like to introduce a special new segment of my annual recital entitled 'It was Twenty Years Ago Today'. One of our local townsmen is going to recreate an act that he performed on this very stage twenty years ago. [Lorelai and Sookie raise their eyebrows.] This young man was a talented pupil of mine, wonderful dancing skills and a genius tumbler. He once did ninety-eight somersaults in a row without throwing up. But that's nothing compared with his talent for mime. Here to present a piece of his own creation, entitled 'The Journey of Man', exactly as he performed it twenty years ago, is Kirk!

[Kirk comes up onto the stage and curls into a ball.]

LORELAI: Oh, it's moments like these that make life worth living.

[Kirk begins wriggling on the ground. He slowly moves into a crouching position, still wriggling.]

LORELAI: Ew?

SOOKIE: Ew!

[Kirk goes through the motions of being born. I can't explain it.]

LORELAI: Ew!

SOOKIE: Ew!

[Kirk smacks himself on the bottom and mimes crying.]

LORELAI: So, it's the birth of Lucille Ball?

[Kirk begins to walk unsteadily, holding the hand of an imaginary person. He gradually grows taller. His arms curl around an imaginary baby.]

LORELAI [gasps]: He's a parent now! I get that!

SOOKIE: He's moving along at a nice clip.

[Lorelai glances outside and sees Luke unloading his camping gear from the truck.]

LORELAI: I'll be right back.

SOOKIE: I'll catch you up when you return.

LORELAI: Okay.

[She gets up and runs over to the diner.]

LUKE'S DINER

[Luke's camping gear is laid out on the counter. He looks up as someone knocks on the door. He goes over to open it.]

LORELAI: Hey, Grizzly Adams. Why are you back? The woods closed or something?

LUKE: No, they weren't closed. I was - I don't know. It's what it is. Nature.

LORELAI: Nature? Nature is...

LUKE: You know. It's there. I saw it. Trees, leaves. Whatever.

LORELAI: Okay. That's your second answer in the form of a haiku. Let's get beyond that. Why are you back?

LUKE: Because I felt like coming back. I can't do what I want to do?

LORELAI: Of course you can.

LUKE: Good.

LORELAI: But camping is something you want to do.

LUKE: No, it's what you wanted me to do.

LORELAI: When did you turn against camping?

LUKE: I didn't turn against camping. I'm just trying to understand why you were trying to get rid of me tonight.

LORELAI: I wasn't doing that.

LUKE: Well, you sent me off to the woods. What if I don't want to go off to the woods?

LORELAI: But you always want to go to the woods.

LUKE: I don't like going to the woods when I'm being banished.

LORELAI: No one is banishing you.

LUKE: It felt like it.

LORELAI [sadly]: Well, then, that's my fault.

LUKE [sighs]: Look. I like doing things with you. I'm surprised I have to tell you that.

LORELAI: You don't have to tell me that.

LUKE: I like going shopping with you. I like having dinner with Sookie and Jackson. But the actual shopping seems a little pointless, and Sookie's kids drive me up a wall, but you're there and I like hanging with you.

LORELAI: I know that.

LUKE: And I could have been fun at this recital. I mean, you're probably sitting there mocking most of it. I can mock stuff.

LORELAI: Oh, you're a great mocker! I was only thinking of you when I mentioned the camping. You haven't been camping since we got together, and I was feeling weird about that. You should do the things you like.

LUKE: I do do the things I like.

LORELAI: Well, I wasn't getting rid of you! I want you to do whatever you want to do with me. I know that sounded dirty, and dirty things count, but I didn't mean the dirty things. You and me can hang whenever, wherever.

LUKE: Yeah, well, maybe I'm being sensitive.

LORELAI: I really wasn't getting rid of you.

LUKE: I mean, I'm not dying to see baton twirling.

LORELAI: I'm happy to be with a man who isn't.

LUKE: Was there baton twirling?

LORELAI: Oh, yes, and it was no fun. She didn't drop it once. [She smiles.] You want to come back to the recital with me? Kirk is doing something strange and disturbing.

LUKE: Nah, I think I'll go back out camping. Wouldn't mind doing some fishing.

LORELAI: Good.

LUKE: Yeah. Good.

LORELAI: Okay.

[She smiles and leaves. He smiles watching her go.]

MISS PATTY'S DANCE RECITAL

[Kirk is lying on his back on the floor, twitching disturbingly. Lorelai enters.]

LORELAI [whispering]: Excuse me. Thank you. Hey. [She reaches her seat.]

SOOKIE: Kirk's dying.

LORELAI: Oh. [She looks at Kirk.] Well, it's going to happen to all of us one day. [Pause.] Just not so spazzy.

[Sookie grimaces. Kirk finally falls still. Lorelai looks around, unsure, then starts clapping. Kirk gets up and bows deeply.]

MISS PATTY: And that's our show, everybody, and I think it was the best one ever! From all of us at the Miss Patty's school we thank you!

[Applause. People start to get up, when the music starts up again suddenly and the kids burst back into the aisle.]

KIDS [singing]: We've got magic to do, just for you! [Waving arms around the audience] We've got miracle plays to play! [They throw glitter into their faces.]

LORELAI: Okay. Oh, wow! You'd think they would have run out of glitter by now, huh?

SOOKIE: This is so stressful!

[On the stage now are all the performers - ballerinas, baton twirler, and Kirk.]

PERFORMERS [singing]: Kings and things to take by storm!

USO PARTY - MEN'S BATHROOM

[Richard washes his hands. Mitchum enters.]

MITCHUM: Richard!

RICHARD: Oh, Mitchum, old boy! I didn't know you were out there.

MITCHUM: Just got here. That's quite the affair we've got going on out there.

RICHARD: And for a wonderful cause.

MITCHUM: Not stuffy like the others. No smell of mothballs.

RICHARD: Well, you know, my granddaughter is responsible for it.

MITCHUM: Oh yeah?

RICHARD: Planned the whole thing.

MITCHUM: Well, that's nice. I didn't know that. She's a sweet kid.

RICHARD: The sweetest.

MITCHUM: Yeah. I wish Rory nothing but the best. I came straight from work without looking in a mirror. [He runs his fingers through his hair.] Wish I had.

RICHARD: Mitchum, just out of curiosity. What happened with all that?

MITCHUM: All what?

RICHARD: At that paper of yours, in Stamford. Something apparently got blown out of proportion. There was some misunderstanding.

MITCHUM: Oh, it was nothing much. She's a great kid.

RICHARD: She is, and a great journalist. I've read things she's written. She's a talent.

MITCHUM [checking his teeth]: Maybe.

RICHARD: What do you mean, 'maybe'?

MITCHUM: Well, I worked with her, Richard. I read her stuff too.

RICHARD: Meaning?

MITCHUM: I've read great. I know what great is.

RICHARD: Well, when I said great, I didn't mean she was Ben Bradley yet. But she could be.

MITCHUM: Anything's possible.

RICHARD: What exactly happened at that paper, Mitchum?

MITCHUM: It didn't work out, Richard. It's just one of those things. She's better off for what I did.

RICHARD: What exactly did you do?

MITCHUM: Nothing you wouldn't have done.

RICHARD: No? And what was that?

MITCHUM: You're in the business world. You have employees, yes?

RICHARD: Of course.

MITCHUM: Say you've got a guy working in your office. You brought him in. Nice guy, everybody loves him. But he just doesn't have it. He's a drain on the company. What are you going to do?

RICHARD: My granddaughter was not a drain on your company!

MITCHUM: My point is that I wasn't going to put her in a position to become a drain. Now, Richard, really. We should get back out there.

RICHARD: What did you say to her?

MITCHUM: Richard -

RICHARD [forcefully]: What did you say to her, Mitchum?

MITCHUM: I did what I do with everyone. I called it like I saw it. I was honest with her. I don't pussyfoot, you know that.

RICHARD: You crushed her!

MITCHUM: And if she's got what it takes, she'll bounce back. No one's ever criticized you, Richard? Reprimanded you, critiqued you? I find that hard to believe.

RICHARD: This is not about me.

MITCHUM: She was in over her head. She lacked maturity.

RICHARD: She's not even twenty-one!

MITCHUM: Look! Just blame me, okay? I felt bad that she had to sit through that disastrous dinner with Shira and Pop, going on about marriage and how she can't become a Huntzberger, I don't care about any of that, so I gave her a shot! And she wasn't up to it!

RICHARD [shouting]: You crushed that girl!

MITCHUM [coldly]: I did what I do. [They pause.] We should have done this on the phone.

[Richard clenches his fists and walks out. He approaches Emily.]

EMILY: Richard! There you are! This is one of your favorites and you're missing it!

RICHARD: It's all true. All of it.

EMILY: What's true?

RICHARD: Everything she told us! Everything!

EMILY: Everything who told us?

RICHARD: Lorelai! About what Mitchum did to Rory. How he said things to her. Crushed her. About Logan's whole family!

EMILY: That can't be.

RICHARD: Mitchum just confirmed everything. He told that girl she wasn't good enough! I ought to punch him!

EMILY: Richard, calm down. People will hear.

RICHARD: They don't want her marrying into their precious family! They don't think she's good enough! He told her that she didn't "have it"! And you know she does! I know she does!

EMILY: Of course she does!

RICHARD: I can't stay in this room with these people.

EMILY: Richard, go outside. Get some air.

RICHARD: We should go home.

EMILY [nodding]: I'll catch up with you. Go outside.

RICHARD: Yeah, yeah.

[He leaves. Emily thinks for a moment and looks around for Shira. She finds her and her expression grows cold. She walks over to her table.]

SHIRA: Emily!

[They hug awkwardly.]

EMILY: Hello, Shira! I'm here to rescue you. I've got a table for you and Mitchum right in the center.

SHIRA: Oh, bless you, Emily. I'm undeserving.

EMILY: Nonsense. It was a terrible mistake and it must be rectified!

SHIRA [points to the singing group]: Aren't they amazing?

EMILY: The whole combo's amazing. Follow me.

SHIRA: Me, I love the Beatles. Mitchum took me to see Paul McCartney last year and I almost died! [She leans over to her friends.] Come on. [Emily takes her by the elbow and walks with her to the other table.]

EMILY: So, Richard tells me we have a little problem.

SHIRA: Really? What?

EMILY: The kids. Logan, Rory. I understand you're not exactly thrilled with the match. That you let that be known to Rory at the dinner she had at your house.

SHIRA [laughs]: Well, I wouldn't say not thrilled.

EMILY: Then what would you say?

SHIRA: Oh, Emily, this is a party.

EMILY: I'm just curious.

SHIRA: This may not be the time and the place, Emily. [She smiles awkwardly and sits down.]

EMILY [greeting a passing couple]: Hello, you two. Drop by our table later. [To Shira] Let's make it the time and place.

SHIRA: Consider the discrepancies, Emily.

EMILY [calmly]: Well, that's what's confusing me. They both come from good families. They both have good values. Money doesn't seem to be an issue, we all have money.

SHIRA: Frankly, Emily, there's your money, then there's our money.

EMILY: Oh?

SHIRA: And our family has a lot of responsibilities that come with that. An image to maintain.

EMILY: Ah, yes. Well, let me tell you this, Shira. We are just as good as you are. You don't think Rory is good enough for your son. As if we don't know Logan's reputation? We do. But he is welcome in our home anytime, and you should extend the same courtesy to Rory.

SHIRA: Emily -

EMILY: Now, let's talk about your money. [She leans over Shira and speaks quietly.] You were a two-bit gold digger fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum choose you to marry amoungst the pack of women he was bedding at the time, I'll never know, but hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy, you know. Well, of course you know. That would explain why your weight goes up and down thirty pounds every other month. [Shira laughs nervously.] But that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities. No one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them. Now, enjoy the event. [She smiles and walks off, waving at another guest.] Diane, hello!

[Emily returns to sit at her table. Shira continues to smile falsely. The band finishes a song and they applaud. Rory approaches the microphone as Richard re-enters, looking for Emily.]

RORY: The Swing Dolls, everybody! [Applause.] I'm Rory Gilmore, the architect of this event. [More applause.] Thank you! And I'd like to take this moment to thank some of the others for an outstanding success this evening. To Lacey Bosco on my right hand, my girl Friday, I could not have done it without you. To Glenda, Lance, the entire serving crew. Thank you. To the kind people at KBC Audio, who generously donated this amazing...  

[As Richard watches Rory, his face falls, defeated. Fade to black.]

END