Épisode Les deux marraines S06E04 - Gilmore Girls Saison 6

LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

[Lorelai is sitting on the bed, sorting through old videotapes. Luke calls down from upstairs.]

LUKE [OS]: Oh, now come on! Come on! You've got to be kidding me.

LORELAI: Luke! Come down here!

LUKE [OS]: The baseboard's not level, I can tell just by looking at it!

LORELAI: Tom told you, it's a work in progress!

LUKE [OS]: A disaster in progress. This baseboard belongs in a funhouse.

LORELAI: Luke, going up there is like busting into an operating room in the middle of a heart transplant, you know? And then getting mad at the surgeon because the guy's heart is on the outside. And you're like, hey, his heart should be in his chest, and the surgeon's like, dude, I'm not done yet, get out of the operating room!

LUKE [OS]: I'm gonna check the bathroom fixtures.

LORELAI: Hey, uh, help! Fire! Fire! We're on fire down here, help! Flames crackling, marshmallows toasting, save us!

LUKE [coming down the stairs]: What are you doing yelling 'Fire'? You can't do that.

LORELAI: No, that only pertains to movie theaters. Crowded ones. You're watching a Wednesday matinee of Deuce Bigalow, you can yell 'Fire' all you want. Hell, you can start a fire a no one will complain.

LUKE: So, how's your project going?

LORELAI: Like Gamebusters.

LUKE: Looks like it. You're getting rid of a ton. [He reaches over to pick up a nearly-full box.]

LORELAI: Oh, no, no, whoa, there, mister. Ha. Those are the keepers. These are the ones I'm tossing.

LUKE: There's two videotapes in there.

LORELAI: Every journey begins with a single step.

LUKE: This was your idea, remember? Use the remodel to purge yourself of useless stuff?

LORELAI: Yeah. Useless. I'm keeping what I need.

LUKE: You need an episode of Magnum P.I. from 1986?

LORELAI: Of course not. That tape is mislabeled. That's a Knots Landing from 1981. All the women are held hostage at gunpoint during Ginger's baby shower. Classic.

LUKE: 21 Jump Street. Season one. You do not need this.

LORELAI: I need my Jump Street.

LUKE: So, buy the DVD's. It'll save you a ton of space.

LORELAI: No, the DVD's won't have the commercials on them. The original commercials, which is half the fun. Spuds Mackenzie, Clara Peller? Nothing comes between me and my Calvins? I mean, they don't make them like that anymore.

LUKE: You're going to be one of those weird old people who hordes empty film canisters and laundry measuring scoops.

LORELAI: Uh, gonna be? Hey, I've been looking for this. Check it out.

LUKE: Riding the Bus with my Sister.

LORELAI: Rosie O'Donnell plays a retarded woman who's obsessed with riding the bus and Andie MacDowell is her uptight, big city sister.

LUKE: Sister?

LORELAI: Yeah. And it gets better. In the ads I saw, the Rosie character was calling herself the Sheriff, and she was bragging about her sex life, and buying toilet seats. And Anjelica Huston directed it. Maerose directed it.

LUKE: Okay, fine. Watch it tonight after I leave, then you can dump it tomorrow.

LORELAI: Kidding? You don't just sit down and watch a movie like this. This is a Friday night special. I'd have to have take-out, pizza, Red Vines, Mallomars, the works. Plus, there's no way I would watch this by myself. This is exactly the kind of movie I would - [She stops herself.] - watch with... someone. Someone else. You know.

LUKE: Yeah, right. Well, at least try to pare this box down a little, please?

LORELAI: I'll try. I will. Promise.

LUKE: Good.

LORELAI: If you promise not to go upstairs again.

LUKE: I just gotta check on one thing.

LORELAI: Oh, look at that! America's Castles, special Florida edition. Seen it five times, keeping it.

LUKE: One thing.

LORELAI: Oh! The History of Paper! A documentary by Ted Burns, distant relative of Ken Burns! Oh ho, seven hours, dull, dull, dull - keeping it!

LUKE: I'm not going up.

LORELAI: Good! [She gasps] Please Don't Eat the Daisies, seasons two and four? I've been looking for this!

OPENING CREDITS

POOL HOUSE - RORY'S BEDROOM

[Rory is looking in the mirror, wearing a candy striper's uniform. Someone knocks at the door. She goes to answer it.]

RORY: Come in.

[A maid with a very French accent enters, pushing a clothes rack.]

MAID: Good morning, Miss Gilmore.

RORY: Good morning. Oh, wow. Need help?

MAID: No, thank you.

RORY: What's that for?

MAID: Mrs. Gilmore just wanted me to help you with your summer things.

RORY: My summer things?

MAID: Mrs. Gilmore says that autumn is a time for sweaters and wool. Not for sundresses and flipper-floppers.

RORY: Oh. Well, I don't really dress seasonally. I just sort of go with the flow.

MAID: That is what Mrs. Gilmore would like to correct. [She opens the closet and begins to remove items.]

RORY: Oh. Well. [Her cell phone rings.] Hello?

EMILY: Hello, Rory? It's your grandmother.

RORY: Grandma. We were just talking about you. How are you? How's Helsinki?

EMILY: Cold. Unaccommodating. A population of walking dead.

RORY: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

[She puts the phone on speaker and goes over to check out the clothes the maid is putting on the rack. She looks concerned.]

EMILY: The cab driver from the airport was a thief, and the cuisine isn't fit for a stray cat! Kippers and cabbage rolls! And the weather! It snowed six feet last night and apparently they can't fly under those conditions. Can't or won't, it's hard to say. I defy you to read a Fin.

[Rory grabs a few things off the rack and glares at the maid, who is unmercifully paring down Rory's wardrobe.]

RORY: Yeah, they can be pretty stoic in those northern climes. [Emily starts to rant again and Rory speaks over her to the maid.] Excuse me, but I actually use a lot of this in autumn. You know, light layers. [The maid looks at her blankly.]

EMILY: .... botox. Anyway, your grandfather and I are going to be delayed a couple of days!

RORY: I'm sorry, that stinks.

EMILY: I'm in a real bind. I've got that mixer with the girls I'm hosting tomorrow, with the curators of the Gilbert Stuart exhibit?

RORY: Oh, right. [She holds up a dress to the maid and whispers.] I wear it with coats.

EMILY: I've been planning it for weeks, everybody's counting on me, but here I am thousands of miles away stuck in the land of reindeer stew! And I'm loathe to cancel because there's nothing Constance Bedderton would like more than for me to slip up so that she can destroy my reputation, run me out of the DAR, and then jump in the air like a cheerleader and land doing the splits!

RORY: Uh, wow. That's - the splits, huh? Um, whatever I can do to help, Grandma. [She hands the maid a pair of pants.] I wear white after Labor Day. I'm a rebel, just go with it.

EMILY: Rory? Are you still there?

RORY: Yeah, I'm still here, Grandma.

EMILY: I was wondering if you could possibly fill in for me. I would be so grateful.

RORY: Me? At the mixer? [She leaves the clothes rack and picks up the phone.]

EMILY: It's all ready to go. The menu is set and these new caterers I found are fabulous. All you have to do is smile and make sure everyone's cocktails are replenished.

RORY: Well - EMILY: Just picture that snake doing the splits.

RORY [sighs with her hand to her head]: Um, okay, Grandma. I'll help you out.

EMILY: Oh, bless you! I'll check on you a little later and give you a briefing about some of the canapés.

RORY: Good. 'Cause I'm rusty on canapés.

EMILY: Call you later.

RORY: Okay, bye, Grandma. Stay warm.

[She hangs up and looks over at the closet. The maid has taken off with three-quarters of Rory's clothes.]

RORY [whining]: Maid! No, this is not going to work! Maid!

[She runs out.]

DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN

[Sookie and Jackson are fighting loudly as Lorelai enters.]

SOOKIE: A bath? A baptism is nothing like taking a bath!

JACKSON: I'm not saying it's a bath! I'm just saying, if you don't believe in the religious aspect of it, then it's like a bath! As simple and as brief as a bath!

LORELAI [trying to get by them]: Coffee.

SOOKIE [turning to Lorelai]: It is so not like taking a bath! When you take a bath there are candles and water-warped Entertainment Weekly's to read and soap! There are no people standing around praying over you, at least not when I take a bath!

LORELAI [softly]: Who's getting baptized?

SOOKIE: Oh, our kids are, because apparently we're suddenly super-religious!

LORELAI: No kidding. Hey, would you guys mind moving over just a little bit? Thanks. [She pushes past them to the coffee machine.]

JACKSON: Sookie! Look at the baptism as a bargaining chip! If we give my mother this, then it'll soften the blow when she finds out that we're not having any more children because of the vasectomy!

SOOKIE: They'll want to stay at the house if we have this baptism. Your whole family!

JACKSON: We'll just have to make room.

SOOKIE: How? The house is barely big enough for us and the kids, and we'll end up sleeping on a leaky air mattress in the kids' room getting horrible creaks in our necks while your mother blasts her Flatten Scruggs CD, and your cousins are going to be picking their teeth with my Rata paring knives!

JACKSON: Oh, like your family is so easy! What about the time we had to see your stuttering cousin Odell in the worst production of Nicholas Nickleby known to man! That was like nine hours of pure hell! And did I get to fake a heart attack during intermission? No!

SOOKIE: I'm sorry. There is a difference between nine hours and three full days! Okay, there's forty eight hours! Plus twenty four, whatever that is. Minus nine hours! What does that equal? Forty eight and twenty four, and, so that's - uh, eight and four, and that's two, the ten over, uh -[she gets flustered puts her head in her hands.]

LORELAI: Oh, whoa! Sookie! Don't do math, you know that hurts your head!

SOOKIE: Ow.

LORELAI: Hey! I have an idea! If you're going to have the baptism, and you've got three days of family in town, how about if they all stay here?

SOOKIE: At the inn?

LORELAI: Yeah. Just give me the dates, we'll work it out.

SOOKIE: And that would be okay?

LORELAI: Sookie, you're part owner of the place.

SOOKIE: Oh, yeah.

JACKSON: That would really help.

LORELAI: So, cool! I'll take care of the arrangements. Sookie, you just deal with the post-baptism party.

SOOKIE: Oh! I didn't know anything about a post-baptism party! [To Jackson] You didn't tell me anything about a post-baptism party!

JACKSON: I didn't know myself!

SOOKIE [smiles]: I've got some late summer salad recipes I've been wanting to try out!

LORELAI: Oh, perfect! Okay, well, just let Michel know how many rooms you need, and I'll see you guys later.

JACKSON: Thanks, Lorelai.

SOOKIE: Yeah, thanks hon.

[Lorelai walks toward the door.]

JACKSON: I just need the invoice signed for the zucchini and I'm off.

SOOKIE: Oh, you think I'm taking this zucchini?

[Lorelai spins around, debating on whether to interfere again.]

JACKSON: You ordered them!

SOOKIE: You stressed them out!

JACKSON: Don't point that thing at me!

LORELAI: Guys!

SOOKIE: I can tell! Get them out of here!

JACKSON: No! You give me the invoice!

[Lorelai gives up and leaves.]

SOOKIE: I'll just have one of my guys get them out of here.

JACKSON: This isn't about the zucchini. This is about the baptism!

SOOKIE: Well, I christen these vegetables sucky!

ELDER GILMORE HOUSE

[The cocktail party is in full swing. Rory wanders through the crowd.]

RORY: Oh, hello, Sarah! Thank you so much for coming. [To a waiter.] Excuse me? Hold on a sec. This tray is half empty. Should we fill it up to make it look less sad?

WAITER: Uh, this is the last tray.

RORY: What? Oh no! [She consults her notepad.] Oh, boy, there are only eight trays of salmon puffs allotted for the whole night? This is not good! This is really not good! Do you think I should have staggered their release? I should have, I should have staggered their release! Okay. Well, just spread them out, and then push the shrimp. Okay. You can circulate, now, circulate.

[She sends him off. She spots another waiter.] Uh, excuse  me. Uh, there's garnish on this tray? There shouldn't be. My grandmother hates garnish. Here. I'll just, uh. [She takes the garnish and shoves it in her pocket.] There you go. Okay. Go, circulate. Circulate. [She approaches a group of ladies.] Hello, Lana!

LANA: Hello!

RORY: Nice to see you! Carol, hello! Great dress. Darla, does the Pearls Council know about you? Fabulous! [They giggle and gush over her as she moves on to another group.] Everything all right over here, ladies?

WOMAN: Everything's perfect, Rory. This is a lovely party. And those salmon puffs? Insane.

RORY: Aren't they, though? Eight trays and they're almost gone! I might have to go grab a pole and do some fishing. [They laugh.] Let me know if you need anything.

[Rory walks over to the paintings on display, where Nora and another woman are discussing the artwork with a curator.]

NORA: I like the way he paints Washington's hair, it looks so luminous! If Gilbert Stuart were alive today I would absolutely commission him to paint a portrait of my Henry.

CURATOR: Well, Martha Washington had the same impulse. In 1796, she commissioned Stuart to do a portrait of her husband, along with one of herself, to hang at Mount Vernon.

OTHER WOMAN: Henry's not Nora's husband. He's her Springer spaniel.

CURATOR: Oh.

RORY: May I freshen your drink, Nora?

NORA: Well, thank you, Rory. That's awfully sweet of you. Vodka tonic.

[Whispering] No ice and light on the tonic.

RORY: I'll be right back.

NORA [as she walks away]: Isn't she just darling?

[Rory walks calmly through the party, then rushes to a waitress when she gets into the hallway.]

RORY: Excuse me? Hi. Um, the woman with the red hair over by the paintings? Could you get her a vodka tonic, please? ASAP.

WAITRESS: Mm-hm.

RORY: Thanks. [She breathes for a moment, then calls after her in a panic.] No ice and light on the tonic!

[Rory straightens her jacket and heads out to check on the people on the patio.]

NANCY: Oh, Rory, perfect! Maybe you could help us with something.

RORY: Absolutely.

NANCY: We're admiring this plant, here, this one with the waxy leaves? And yet the name for it has gone right spot out of our heads!

RORY: I'm so sorry, I'm not sure what it's called, but I promise to ask my grandmother and let you know. Let me just, um, get your phone number here.

[She pulls her notebook out of her pocket and the garnish falls out.] Oops! Garnish. You just can't get away from it, huh? [She looks over and sees that Logan has arrived. He is wearing jeans and a polo shirt and looks very out of place.] Um, excuse me for a minute. [She walks over and hugs him.] Hey, I didn't know you were coming!

LOGAN [not pleased]: Yeah, I forgot you had a thing today.

RORY: Oh, it's okay, 'cause now I get to show you off. [She drags him over to the women by the plant.] Nancy, Lucy, I'd like to introduce Logan Huntzberger. Logan, this is Nancy Osgood and Lucy Faxton-Field.

LUCY: How do you do, Logan? It's such a pleasure to meet the young Huntzberger.

LOGAN [barely nods]: Hey.

RORY [after an awkward pause]: Uh, Logan, I think I've told you about Nancy. She's the one who insists I look like Clara Barton, which I'm still not sure is a compliment!

NANCY: Oh, it's a compliment, of the highest order! [She laughs. Logan looks pointedly at Rory. Rory takes the hint.]

RORY: Um, well, if you'll excuse us, I think I promised Logan one of the coveted salmon puffs.

[The ladies smile politely.]

LUCY: So nice to meet you, Logan.

[Logan nods and he and Rory head into the kitchen.]

RORY: Want some coffee - [Logan goes straight to the bar] - with your scotch?

LOGAN: Sorry. I'm just not in the mood to deal with this type of thing right now, these type of people.

RORY: Why? Did something happen?

LOGAN: So how long do you think this thing's going to last?

RORY: Um, an hour, hour and a half, tops. And then fifteen minutes for me to pay the caterers, and make sure the cleaning staff knows what to do. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you go hang out in the pool house, and then I'll come out as soon as I'm finished up here, we can talk?

LOGAN: Yeah, okay. [He kisses her cheek and goes. Rory tries to pour a cup of coffee but the pot is empty.

RORY [sighs sharply]: We need coffee! There's no more coffee, someone make some coffee!

[She storms out.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN

[She stands in front of Paul Anka.]

LORELAI [softly]: Okay, Paul Anka, dinnertime. You need to eat tonight, okay? Now, this is the kibble you like, in the nice new yellow bowl you picked, I will now - [She sets down his bowl and grabs her plate off the counter] - I will now back out of the room, so you can eat in the dark. [She switches off the light.] Like you like.

[She backs slowly out of the kitchen and walks into the living room. She flips on the TV to a news program. She holds up the videotape labeled 'Riding the Bus with my Sister' and almost puts it in the VCR. She stops and looks thoughtful. She picks up the phone and dials a number.]

OPERATOR: We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in serv- 

[Lorelai hangs up and tries the number again, dialing more slowly.]

OPERATOR: We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this number in er- 

[Lorelai hangs up.]

POOL HOUSE

[Rory enters and is surprised to see Logan, Colin and Finn hanging out.]

FINN [on the phone]: So, cancel with him, darling. Is that so difficult?

[Pause] I find the fact that you love him completely irrelevant!

RORY [good-naturedly, to Logan]: What's going on?

LOGAN: Hey! Is that my salmon puff?

RORY: Yeah.

LOGAN: Anything is good in a puff! Hi. [He kisses her.]

COLIN: Hey, Rory.

RORY: Hey, Colin! I didn't know you guys were coming over.

LOGAN: I invited them over. I hope that's cool.

RORY: Oh, yeah, of course it's cool. I just - I would've brought more puffs.

LOGAN: You need a drink.

RORY [taking off her jacket]: Oh, no, I've - FINN: Quick, somebody give me a sonnet. Melissa's a poetry major.

COLIN: There once was a gal from Nantucket.

FINN: Stop it, Colin, I'm not trying to propose. [On the phone] Melissa! Do you miss me, darling?

[A blonde smiling girl drifts into the room.]

RORY: Hi!

[She just smiles.]

RORY [quietly]: Uh, Logan?

LOGAN: Yeah, Ace.

RORY: Who's the skirt?

LOGAN: Ah. That is Colin's milkmaid.

RORY: He brought her back from Holland?

COLIN: Yes he did.

RORY: Oh! [She rushes over to the girl.] Hi! I'm Rory. I've heard a lot about you.

COLIN: She doesn't understand English.

RORY: Oh. Sorry.

COLIN: Yes. Aren't we all?

RORY: Colin, rude.

COLIN: Everywhere I go, everything I do, surprise. There she is.

RORY: Well, you brought her here. What did you expect?

COLIN: I don't know what happened. When we were in the Netherlands she seemed so amazing, you know? But the minute we left she began to lose her appeal.

RORY: Well, everything looks appealing when you're stumbling out of an Amsterdam coffee bar.

FINN: Tell me about it. One night I spent half an hour hitting on a bike.

[On the phone] Maria! You're the only one who can save me.

COLIN: Rory, you have to understand. Milkmaids are like iconic over there. They're practically Dutch superheroes. Dating Katrinka was like dating Wonderwoman.

RORY: Katrinka?

LOGAN: Yeah, he's going to be hearing about that one for a long time.

[Katrinka walks over and puts her arms around Colin.]

FINN: Oh. I see. Well, just so you know, I think you're an awfully sweet girl to date a guy with such an unfortunate skin condition. [He hangs up and starts to dial another number.] Rory. Any chance you'll be breaking up with Logan in the next twenty minutes?

RORY: Sorry.

FINN: Damn. Veronica! Finn. Still engaged, darling? Well, I am too. But I'm not going to say in what.

RORY [to Logan]: So, this is a surprise. The guys being here and everything.

LOGAN: Well, Colin just got back, I hadn't seen him. Is that okay?

RORY: Oh, yeah. It's fine. I just - well, you seemed like you were in kind of a bad mood earlier.

LOGAN: Well, this is how you get out of a bad mood, Ace! Hey, let's get something to eat. I'm starving.

COLIN [jumps out of Katrinka's grasp]: Yes! Chinese food. No dairy in Chinese food.

FINN: Perfect. The General Lee's has an adorable waitress with a very tiny intellect. Let's go.

LOGAN [to Rory]: General Lee's?

RORY: General Lee's. Just give me a minute and I'll go change.

LOGAN: No way! You've got that hot librarian thing going on. I like it. Grab a book, let's go.

RORY [laughs]: Okay.

[They all head out the door.]

FINN: I've got shotgun.

COLIN: No you don't. You're driving.

FINN: I can reach over to steer.

[Rory is the last one out. She looks back and notices Katrinka alone on the couch.]

RORY: Uh, Colin? You forgot your milkmaid!

[She sort of smiles at Katrinka, who looks very sad.]

DRAGONFLY INN

[Lorelai and Michel are standing at the front desk.]

LORELAI: Okay. Room five just checked out, so let's give that to Jackson's sister Adele. Put cousin Rachel in room three, and Aunt Pat and Uncle Rusty in room six. [Michel throws a key in an envelope.] Okay, that's two people in room six. Aunt Pat and Uncle Rusty, they're going to need two keys.

MICHEL: I gave them one, they can share. It's the least the free-loading hicks can do.

LORELAI: They're not free-loading hicks. They're our guests.

MICHEL: They are moochers. They go supermarket hopping to gorge themselves on free samples and get their perfume from magazine inserts. You can recognize them from the paper cuts on their wrists.

[Sookie rushes in, whimpering.]

SOOKIE: Jackson's not here yet!

MICHEL: No. But his family's arrival is imminent, so I'm off to nail the furniture to the floor. [He leaves, smiling smugly.]

SOOKIE: I don't believe it! The whole clan will be here any minute!

LORELAI: Sookie, relax.

SOOKIE: I can't relax, it's Jackson's family! I try to say nice things to them, but they always misinterpret and they think I'm insulting them, so I - I've tried being really quiet, and then they're all like, you know, why are you so quiet? So I overcompensate and start cracking jokes like I'm Carrot Top and I start doing funny things with props, and, ugh, I hate prop comedy!

LORELAI [solemnly]: We all do, honey.

[Jackson bursts in, out of breath.]

JACKSON: They're right behind me!

SOOKIE: Jackson, you almost left me buffer-less! What happened?

JACKSON [panting]: Aphids happened. All over my tomatoes, and I'm squirting them, and they're multiplying and I lost track of time, so I start racing over here on foot and I saw Beau's minivan just in front of me, so I cut through the thicket - and you know how I hate the thicket - just so I could get here first. [He gasps.] Oh my God, my breath. I can't catch my breath! I'm breathing out, but I can't breathe in.

LORELAI: Okay, Jackson, calm down! You're here, right? He's here. Your buffer's here. [She heads back to the desk.]

SOOKIE: I've got my buffer. It'll be okay.

JACKSON: Okay, so. Did you tell hm-hm about hm-hm?

SOOKIE: No, he's your family! You tell hm-hm about hm-hm.

LORELAI: Why do I get the feeling I'm at least one of the hm-hms?

JACKSON: Lorelai, we need to tell you something. Remember my brother Beau?

LORELAI: Uh, dark hair, coarse stubble, Jefferson Davis tattoo?

JACKSON: He thinks you're a nympho.

LORELAI: A what?

SOOKIE: It's short for nymphomaniac. Means you really dig the fellows.

LORELAI: I know what it means. But how? I didn't say two words to the guy when I met him! I said one. Hi. And that was not in response to 'What's your sex drive like?' JACKSON: Apparently cousin Rune told him.

LORELAI: Rune. Short guy, light hair, thought marijuana gave your salad zest?

JACKSON: That's the one. Beau said Rune said you're a horn dog.

LORELAI [horrified]: A horn dog?

JACKSON: His word, not mine.

SOOKIE: His family, not mine.

[Jackson's family arrives.]

SOOKIE: Mom! [Under her breath, to Jackson] Buffer! [Out loud] Welcome to the Dragonfly!

JACKSON [greeting them as they enter]: Hi, everybody! Oh, my, that's quite a bit of luggage for three days. You are just staying three days, aren't you?

BEAU [leaning against the door frame]: That's right, little brother, three days! Why don't you all relax, I'll take care of checking us in. [He struts over to the desk, leering at Lorelai over his sunglasses.] Well, hello, L.G.

LORELAI: Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn.

BEAU: Welcome to Beau.

LORELAI: Nice sunglasses. Very 'Risky Business'.

BEAU: Risky Business, huh? Are you into risky business?

LORELAI: No. All of a sudden I hate it. Tom Cruise in his underwear makes me want to barf. [She takes a deep breath.] Would you like to register?

BEAU: I would love to. [He clicks the pen and signs without taking his eyes off Lorelai.]

LORELAI: You just signed the blotter.

BEAU [looks down]: Oh. Whoops. [He signs.] Sorry. I was distracted.

LORELAI [hands him a key]: Well, um, you're in room seven, so just take a right at the top of the stairs and enjoy your stay.

BEAU: Well, aren't you accommodating? Guess I'll just go get my duffel bag out of the minivan.

[He leaves. Lorelai squirms uncomfortably as Jackson approaches.]

LORELAI: That's the first time I ever heard the word 'duffel' sound dirty.

JACKSON: I am so, so sorry.

LORELAI: All right, here are their keys, names are on the envelopes. They can go up anytime.

JACKSON [taking the envelopes]: So, so sorry.

[Sookie joins them, upset.]

SOOKIE: Ooh, Uncle Artie hugged me too long.

JACKSON: Lorelai checked Beau in.

SOOKIE: We are so, so sorry.

[Lorelai shrugs.]

JACKSON: Keys!

SOOKIE: Let's get them upstairs.

JACKSON: I've got your keys, everybody, come and get 'em. Come and get 'em!

[Jackson hands out the envelopes. Beau re-enters with his duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He knocks on the wall to get Lorelai's attention.]

BEAU: Just thought I'd give you my room number, Princess.

LORELAI: I have it. Remember, I checked you in about a minute ago?

BEAU: All right then. See you soon.

[He licks his room key, winks and heads up the stairs. Once he is out of sight, Lorelai shudders, thoroughly disgusted.]

LUKE'S DINER

[Lane delivers a bill to a table, then stops at Brian and Zach's. Zach's eyes are closed.]

LANE: Is he asleep?

BRIAN: He's waiting for his muse.

ZACH: Don't say it like that.

BRIAN: Like what?

ZACH: All condescending. It's not cool.

BRIAN: I wasn't condescending.

ZACH: Songwriting is about making yourself open and vulnerable so that the lyrics come out true. If I'm being sensitive, that's a by-product of my craft.

BRIAN: I hear you.

ZACH: Okay, now you're just patronizing me.

BRIAN: I wasn't patronizing you!

LANE: Carry on. [She leaves.]

ZACH: What's with her, being all dismissive?

BRIAN: Hey, you want to get more fries?

ZACH [eyes popping open]: Oh! Yes! Yes! Dude, you said fries and it hit me.

BRIAN: Really?

ZACH: Quick, get this down.

BRIAN [grabs a pen]: Go.

ZACH [singing]: Ah ah ah ah-ah oh oh oh.

BRIAN: Wait, what?

ZACH: Just get it down before I forget it! Ah ah ah ah-ah oh oh oh.

BRIAN: It's not lyrics!

ZACH: Duh, it's a melody! Come on! Ah ah ah ah-ah oh oh oh!

BRIAN [writing]: Okay, okay.

ZACH: Get it?

BRIAN: I think so. [Singing] Up, down, further down, little higher up, down a smidge.

ZACH: Brian!

BRIAN: I don't read music!

ZACH: Great! Lane! Come here. [He sings the melody again.]

LANE: What?

ZACH: I need your cell phone so I can call home and leave a tune on our machine.

LANE: I don't bring my cell phone to work.

[Zach groans loudly, then sings the tune again while rocking back and forth.]

LANE: Um, you're starting to freak out some of the customers. [She leaves.]

BRIAN: I just want you to know I feel really helpless right now.

[Sookie enters, grinning.]

SOOKIE: Luke, Luke, Luke! Look, look, look! Oh! Luke-Luke-Luke, look-look-look! [She laughs] That's kind of funny, it just came out.

LUKE: Sookie, I'm working.

SOOKIE: I know. I just came by to show you this! [She holds up a bride-and-groom figurine.]

LUKE: What's that?

SOOKIE: This is a vintage cake topper! Porcelain bisque, hand painted, I think the 1940's. Shoulder pads on the shoulders! [She squeals excitedly.] I found it at the flea market this morning, it's perfect!

LUKE: Perfect for what?

SOOKIE: For your and Lorelai's wedding cake.

LUKE: Oh! Well, that's nice.

SOOKIE: Nice? Nice? It's not nice, it's fate. Look! [She holds up the tiny veil and shows him the figurine's backside.] Perhaps this looks familiar? His butt. It's your butt! It's your butt, Luke, it's your butt!

LUKE: Sookie, stop screaming 'it's your butt'. People are eating.

SOOKIE: What are the odds of me finding a cake topper with exactly your butt?

LUKE [handing a customer a plate]: Turkey burger with Swiss.

SOOKIE: Oh, when I found this topper, your whole cake came to me, like in a vision. White and sparkly with beautiful daisies made of fondant on the top.

LUKE [handing out another plate]: Cow burger with cheddar.

CUSTOMER [OS]: Thanks.

SOOKIE: So, now that I know the cake, all you have to do is set the date. When is the date?

LUKE: I don't know.

SOOKIE: What do you mean, you don't know?

LUKE: I mean, I don't know.

SOOKIE: Luke! Miss Manners says you're not really engaged until you have a ring and a date!

LUKE: Yeah, and it's tacky to drink from a can, but there you go.

SOOKIE: Luke, please!

LUKE: Look, you know the drill, here, Sookie, we're not setting a date until things are settled between Lorelai and Rory.

SOOKIE: And when exactly is that going to be?

LUKE: I don't know.

SOOKIE: Well, what do you plan to do about it?

LUKE: Nothing!

SOOKIE: Nothing! What kind of an answer is that?

LUKE: Sookie, it's between them! Me and my butt are staying out of it.

SOOKIE: Oh, come on. You know this whole non-talking thing between Lorelai and Rory is ridiculous, and you know it!

LUKE: I do know it! [Delivering another plate] Grilled cheese, double order of fries.

SOOKIE: Well, all I can say is that those two had better make up before your butt falls and this gorgeous antique cake topper is nothing more than a kitschy piece of junk from the 1940's! [A car horn honks from outside.] Crap. I gotta go. I left Jackson's mother in the car. Maybe I should have cracked the window.

[She leaves. Luke turns back to the kitchen. Zach is standing in the doorway, using the phone to leave himself a message.]

ZACH: Ah ah ah ah-ah oh oh - 

[Luke grabs the phone and hangs it up.]

STARS HOLLOW STREET

[Lane walks home from work.]

LANE [cheerfully]: Hi, Mrs. Laskin.

MRS. LASKIN: Hi, Lane!

[She jogs up the steps and into her apartment. She gets inside and immediately trips over a pile of cardboard boxes.]

LANE: What is going on? What is that?

ZACH: Hey! This is the G-5 dual 2.3 with a 1 gig RAM upgrade.

BRIAN: And this 3 and a half inch aluminum casing houses a 300 gig hard drive.

ZACH: And we got ProTools, too. We're going to be able to record, like, a million tracks every song. We can burn, mix and edit our own CD's. It's going to be nuts.

BRIAN: Yeah, just as soon as we figure out how to turn it on.

LANE: But - how? When did - 

[Brian and Zach look at her as she realizes what happened.]

LANE: Oh my God! The tour money!

[She runs into her bedroom. Brian and Zach glance at each other nervously.]

LANE [yelling, OS]: You went into my underwear drawer? [She stomps out and glares at them.] I cannot believe that you went into my underwear drawer!

ZACH: But that's where the tour money was.

LANE: But that was my underwear drawer!

ZACH: It was business, not pleasure, Lane.

BRIAN: I had my eyes closed the entire time. It was all by feel.

LANE: That was my room. My private inner sanctum! And you ransacked it!

ZACH: Hey! We can be mad too, you know! Frankly, the fact that you felt you had to hide the tour money from us is a little insulting!

BRIAN: Yeah, and that money was for recording equipment anyway, so what's the big deal?

LANE: But - did you at least shop around? I mean, did you go through the stack of research I have on recording equipment, cost comparisons, audio magazine articles, did you happen to look at any of that?

BRIAN [offended]: Geez. We didn't go through all your stuff, Lane.

LANE: I can't believe you just went out and spent nine grand without talking to me.

ZACH: It wasn't the plan. I mean, we just cruised by the store to get a micro-cassette recorder so I could preserve my tunes, and there was this sales guy.

BRIAN: A great guy.

ZACH: A really great guy, and we ended up talking to him about music.

BRIAN: And Zach sang him his tune.

ZACH: Which he totally dug. Reminded him of early Smiths.

BRIAN: Great guy!

ZACH: He was, and he was like, you should get this. [He points at the equipment.] And he was like, this is the last day of our once a year sale, everything's thirty percent off, and he showed us this whole system - BRIAN: He spent like an hour with us.

ZACH: Totally great guy.

BRIAN: Thinks we're going to be huge!

LANE: Was there change?

ZACH: Huh?

LANE: Did the totally great guy give you any change?

[Brian and Zach glance at each other. Lane screams in frustration and storms into her room, slamming the door.]

ZACH: She totally would have liked him!

BRIAN: 'Cause he was a great guy!

DRAGONFLY INN

[Lorelai returns some board games to the library, where Michel is looking at the DVD's.]

MICHEL: I believe Jackson's Aunt Pat is borrowing DVD's from our collection and secretly burning copies for her own DVD library.

LORELAI: What makes you think she's not watching the DVD's?

MICHEL [rolling his eyes]: The Bellevilles are free-loaders, the whole lot of them. They are as cheap as tan pantyhose with white sandals. Plus, I believe they have emptied all the booze from the mini-bars upstairs into their own flask and then refilled the bottles with water.

LORELAI: Can I interest you in a sick day?

MICHEL: I would not give them the satisfaction. [He leaves as Sookie approaches.] Oh, how proud a family reunion must be for you!

LORELAI: He's snarky.

SOOKIE: And sarcastic.

LORELAI: He's snarkastic.

SOOKIE: Hey, do you have a minute? I want to ask you something. It's kind of important.

LORELAI: Sure. Nothing but minutes.

[They sit on the couch.]

SOOKIE: Well, I was wondering if you would honor me and Jackson by being Martha's godmother.

LORELAI [gasps]: Oh. Wow!

SOOKIE: Oh, is that a good 'oh wow' or a bad 'oh wow'?

LORELAI: It's just - oh, wow. The whole idea of me being a godmother. I never thought of myself as the godmother type. Would I need a wand?

SOOKIE [giggles]: I think you could pull it off without it.

LORELAI: Oh, geez, Sookie, I'm touched! I would love to be Martha's godmother.

SOOKIE: Great! Oh, I'm so happy you said yes! It's going to be great! And we're going to baptize both kids at once, so Davey's going to need a godmother too, and I thought, 'how about Rory?' LORELAI [surprised]: Rory, huh?

SOOKIE: Yeah! I thought it would be fun. And I know it's weird with you two now, but there's really no one else I'm close to to ask.

LORELAI: Oh. Yeah? What about your friend Kat from the Culinary Institute? You guys roomed together in college.

SOOKIE: She's been institutionalized.

LORELAI: What? Really?

SOOKIE: Oh, yeah! She shaved her head, she thinks she's Susan Powder. Sad.

LORELAI: Well, how about Teresa? She lived next door to you growing up. Aren't her husband and Jackson best friends?

SOOKIE [gasps]: She moved.

LORELAI: She moved?

SOOKIE: To Peru.

LORELAI: When?

SOOKIE: Yesterday, actually.

LORELAI: Tall, skinny Margo.

SOOKIE: Has an inner ear problem. [Lorelai rolls her eyes.] Frankly, I'm a little worried that she'll lose her balance holding the baby and fall right into the water, and she's tall, so, you know, that's a long way to fall. But, hey, look, if you don't want to do it, or you don't want me to ask Rory, I'll totally understand. [Her voice gets shaky.] I'm sure Jackson will understand, too, and Martha. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. [She looks away, close to tears.]

LORELAI: No, no. It's okay. I'll do it.

SOOKIE: You will?

LORELAI: Of course I will.

SOOKIE: Oh, thank you! [She gets up, smiling, and leaves.] I know it's going to be a perfect day.

[Lorelai leans back, crossing her arms and sighing.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE - MORNING

[Lorelai lies in bed in the living room, staring at the ceiling. The alarm beeps. She turns it off and gets up. Luke rolls over as she picks two dresses off a clothes rack. She holds them up.]

LORELAI: Which one goes better with a baby?

LUKE [pointing]: I like the green one.

LORELAI: It's not too sheer? 'Cause I'm going to be in a church.

LUKE: Looks good from here.

LORELAI: Yeah, maybe. Man, she's good. She's really good.

LUKE: Who?

LORELAI: Sookie.

LUKE: Ah.

LORELAI: This whole baptism thing is just a ruse to get me and Rory together. She's played me. She's played me like a Stradivarius.

LUKE: So don't go, then.

LORELAI: No! I've got to go!

LUKE: Why?

LORELAI: Because she asked me to be a godmother. You don't say no to that.

LUKE: Why?

LORELAI: Look. I know what she's doing. She knows what she's doing. But no one else knows what she's doing. So on the slight chance that she's not doing what I think she's doing, if she's actually just doing what she wants to do, then I will be the jerk who wouldn't be the godmother to her best friend's baby because she thought something was happening that wasn't! And that will be the story everyone remembers, understand?

LUKE: I like the green dress.

[Lorelai throws up her hands.]

POOL HOUSE - BEDROOM

[Rory lies in bed staring at the ceiling. The alarm goes off. She turns it off.]

LOGAN: Go back to sleep.

RORY: I have to go to the baptism.

LOGAN: Blow it off.

RORY: I can't.

LOGAN: You can do anything. You just have to believe in yourself. Do we learn nothing from Mad Hot Ballroom?

RORY: I have to go to Stars Hollow. I have to see my mom. [She groans and buries her head with a pillow.]

LOGAN: One, two, cha, cha, cha.

RORY: Okay. Nothing left to do but get up and face the music.

[She gets out of bed and opens the closet. She holds up two dresses.]

RORY: Which goes better with a baby?

STARS HOLLOW

[Rory pulls up and parks her car on the street. She checks her watch and heads across the square.]

LANE'S APARTMENT

[Zach watches TV, Brian reads a magazine, and Lane is reading the manual for the equipment the boys bought.]

ZACH: You're wasting your time, Lane.

BRIAN: That manual is just a bunch of gobbledy-gook.

ZACH: You've got to be R2-D2 to understand that thing.

LANE: No, you just have to spend more than six minutes trying to figure it out before giving up.

ZACH: I can't believe there's a second C-Span.

[Rory knocks on the door and peeks her head in.]

RORY: Hi.

LANE: Rory!

RORY: Hi! Am I interrupting anything?

ZACH: Nah. Nothing on.

LANE [frowning at Zach]: No. You're interrupting nothing. Come on in.

RORY [points at the recording equipment]: Wow. This looks very fancy.

LANE: Yeah, it's pretty fancy, all right. Apparently it does everything except turn on. You look pretty fancy too.

RORY: Oh, I'm on my way over to Sookie's kids' baptism. I'm going to be Davey's godmother.

LANE: Very religious. My mother would be impressed.

ZACH: Hey, is it true you get to keep the baby if the parents die?

RORY: I'm just doing it as a favor for Sookie.

BRIAN: Godmother, huh? [He puts on the Godfather accent.] You make her an offer she couldn't refuse?

ZACH: Dude! You nailed that!

BRIAN [proudly]: Thanks.

LANE: Come on, I need a break from the ADD boys.

[They walk into Lane's bedroom.]

ZACH: Whoa! There's a third C-Span!

LANE'S BEDROOM

[Rory and Lane enter. Lane moves some clothes from the bed.]

RORY: Room looks the same.

LANE: Yeah.

RORY: How come there's a padlock on your dresser drawer?

LANE: Uh, long story. Here, sit.

RORY: So, you look great! Did you get a haircut?

LANE: Yeah! Well, maybe a month ago.

RORY: I like it.

LANE: You look good, too. I like the bangs. Very Marianne Faithfull.

RORY: Thanks, I'm hoping Mick Jagger notices. [They laugh awkwardly.] So, you went on tour?

LANE: Yeah, we did!

RORY: And how was it?

LANE: Great.

RORY: Great. [Pause.] And, um, how are things in the Zach department? I mean, you two are still together, right?

LANE: We are. And it's good, he's good. We're good. Gee, how many times can I use the word 'good'?

RORY: Have you guys...

LANE: No, no, no. We're still not having sex, but I did tell Zach he could tell the guys we're doing it. It's a little more rock and roll.

RORY: You are a good girlfriend.

LANE: So, how's Logan?

RORY: Logan is... a constant surprise. I have trouble keeping up with him. He moves a mile a minute, gets bored in two seconds flat. He started flying those scary little planes that seem like they're made of papier-mâché, which is thrilling, by the way - and, Logan's good.

LANE: Wow. Is this serious?

RORY: Seriously exciting.

LANE: I love that. Is it hard with him still at Yale and you living with your grandparents?

RORY: No. Not really. It's been fine, actually. Taking time off has been great. It was absolutely the right decision for me.

LANE: That's good. That's really good.

RORY: Yeah. Yeah. I just wish that my mom could understand that. She's so - I doubt that she will talk to me again until I am back in a dorm room with a course catalogue on my lap, if then. I don't know. Maybe we'll never talk again.

LANE: You two? Oh, please.

RORY: We haven't talked in weeks.

LANE: It'll blow over.

RORY: She didn't tell me when she and Luke got engaged.

LANE [sympathetic]: Rory, look at me. You and your mom will talk again. This rift is just nature's attempt to find some equilibrium. You and Lorelai have gone too many years without fighting. So you had to have one big fight to make up for it. Now you've had it and soon you'll make up and then this'll all be just your lost weekend.

RORY: I've missed you.

LANE: I missed you too.

[They hug.]

RORY: We can never go this long without talking again.

LANE: Deal.

RORY: I'll do anything.

LANE: I'll raise carrier pigeons.

RORY: I'll learn Morse code.

LANE: I'll send you pigeons and you can send me code.

RORY: Okay! [They laugh.] Ugh, it's ten-thirty. I have fifteen minutes before I have to go. Now, I want to hear all about that tour.

LANE: Okay. Well, let's start with the whole three boys and no shower thing.

RORY: Oh, lord.

STARS HOLLOW CHURCH

[The church bells are ringing. Rory walks across the grass and joins Kirk.]

RORY: You look nice today, Kirk.

KIRK: Thanks. This is the suit they buried my dad in.

RORY: Oh. Well - [She looks conflicted.] I think I'm going to let that one go.

KIRK: So, do you know which is the Davey side of church and which is the Martha?

RORY: Oh, I don't think there are sides, Kirk, it's not like a wedding. We're all on both kids' sides.

KIRK: I just didn't want to offend by taking a side if there are sides. I've had some contact with Davey, in passing. Couple of high-fives, one or two peek-a-boo sessions, but I haven't had that much contact with Martha. She seems more reserved, elusive. There's a bit of Garbo in her.

[He walks away. Rory looks at Lorelai and Sookie standing by the doorway.]

SOOKIE: ... So nice. I know.

[Jackson marches out.]

JACKSON [angry]: I just talked to my former mother and oh, you are going to love this. Guess who's getting baptized today.

SOOKIE: Who?

JACKSON: Me.

SOOKIE: What?

LORELAI: No.

SOOKIE [gleefully]: Is it Christmas already?

JACKSON: This isn't funny!

SOOKIE: Uh-huh.

LORELAI: You've never been baptized?

JACKSON: Apparently on the day that I was supposed to be baptized, I stuck a quarter up my nose and had to be taken to the hospital. And they never rescheduled!

SOOKIE: Well, organizational skills were never your family's strong point.

[Lorelai stares at Rory, who is walking toward them.]

JACKSON: You know what, I have had it with my family! I want you to march right over there and tell my mother that you're divorcing me if I get baptized.

SOOKIE: Oh, yeah, that will go over very well.

JACKSON: Okay, fine. Then just say we're getting separated.

[Commercial break.]

JACKSON: I guess I'd better go find out what it means exactly for a grown man to get baptized.

SOOKIE: Oh, my God! Are you going to wear a giant christening gown?

JACKSON: You're really enjoying this, aren't you?

SOOKIE: Oh, you have no idea! [She giggles as he goes inside, then she follows Lorelai's gaze to Rory, coming across the street.] Oh, Rory's here!

LORELAI: Yeah. I see that.

SOOKIE: Boy, that's a pretty dress she's wearing. Don't you think?

LORELAI: Sure. It'll go good with a baby.

SOOKIE: Well, I'm going to go check on the kids. Say hi to Rory for me if you see her first! [She ditches.]

[Rory stops walking. She and Lorelai stare at each other.]

REVEREND: Oh, there you two are! Do you have a minute? I was hoping we could have a quick chat in my office before the ceremony.

RORY: Oh, well - LORELAI: Sure.

REVEREND: Wonderful. Right this way.

THE REVEREND'S OFFICE

[Rory and Lorelai sit across the desk from him.]

REVEREND: So, I always like to take a few minutes before my baptisms to get to know the godparents a little bit. Of course I already know you two, but I just wanted to touch base and make sure you understand the obligations of what you're getting into here today. Now, basically, godparents are responsible for the spiritual upbringing of their godchildren. I certainly hope the parents throw their two cents in, but the godparents are vitally important figures in a child's life. So tell me, what are your religious affiliations?

LORELAI: Oh, well, Reverend, you've known us forever.

REVEREND: Well, yes I have, and I still have no idea what your religious affiliations are.

LORELAI: Oh.

RORY: Well - LORELAI: We're a bit - lapsed.

REVEREND: Yes. From?

LORELAI: Well, um, religion. But, you know, I can't speak for Rory, but I have a strong belief in good. You know, over evil. I mean, if I was asked to choose a side.

RORY: I read the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

LORELAI: I have a bible. Although I may or may not have accidentally given it to Goodwill, because I'm remodeling. But, Goodwill is a religious organization. I think. But even if it's not, Good. Will. It's in the ballpark.

RORY: I buy tons of Girl Scout cookies.

LORELAI: I have two 'Mary is my home-girl' t-shirts.

REVEREND: Well, these are all very positive, if somewhat irrelevant, things. And it seems like your hearts are in the right place.

RORY: Absolutely.

LORELAI: Definitely.

REVEREND: And it says something good about you both that when a friend calls you up and asks a favor you come through like this.

LORELAI [thinking]: Right, right.

REVEREND: Shall we?

RORY: We shall.

[They get up and go out.]

CHURCH SANCTUARY

[Kirk enters and speaks to a woman walking by.]

KIRK: So, are you a Davey or a Martha? Davey, I bet, right? He's much more accessible. He's the Dandy Warhols to Martha's Brian Jonestown Massacre.

[He goes to sit down. Beau walks in wearing a white suit. He spills change all over the floor.]

BEAU: Oh, oh, dangit. [He bends down to pick it up.]

[At the front of the church, Rory, Lorelai and the Reverend come out of a side door.]

SOOKIE: Hey, Rory, you look so pretty!

RORY: Hey, Sookie!

SOOKIE: Oh, I want a picture of this.

[Rory and Lorelai take their respective godchildren as Beau runs up to sit in the front.]

REVEREND: Welcome, everybody. Jesus tells Nicodemus in the fourth gospel, 'Unless one is born of water and spirit, one cannot enter the kingdom of God.' Today we gather to honor three individuals as they dedicate themselves in the first sacrament of the faith and become members of the body of the church and the kingdom of God. Here to bear witness and offer spiritual support are Lorelai Gilmore, godparent to Martha, Rory Gilmore, godparent to Davey, and, uh, Jackson?

JACKSON: Yo.

REVEREND: Acting as your godparent will be?

JACKSON: Oh. Uh, my brother Beau, I guess.

REVEREND: And, uh, Beau Belleville will serve as sponsor and witness for Jackson. Will you come up here, please, Beau?

[Beau stands up, dropping change everywhere.]

BEAU: Oh - aw, bananas.

[He stands next to Jackson.]

REVEREND: The candidates for baptism will now be presented.

[He comes down from the pulpit. Lorelai stares off into space as Beau ogles her.]

REVEREND: We are honored with the privilege of being here today to witness and support in faith the baptism of David Edward Belleville, Martha Janice Lori Ethan Rupert Glenda Carson Daisy Danny Belleville, and Jackson Matthew Belleville. [Beau nudges him approvingly.] I hereby charge Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore and Beau Belleville with the responsibility of seeing to the spiritual welfare of these children and this believer. We will now begin a series of ceremonial questions. Lorelai Gilmore, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God?

[Lorelai is still staring into space. Everyone looks at her expectantly.]

SOOKIE [whispers]: Lorelai!

LORELAI: What?

SOOKIE [whispering]: Why aren't you renouncing Satan?

LORELAI: Huh?

SOOKIE [whispering]: He said do you renounce Satan and you paused. That's not something you pause about!

LORELAI [whispering]: Oh, I'm sorry. [Out loud] Uh, yes, I renounce Satan.

REVEREND: Okay. Rory Gilmore, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God?

LORELAI [whispering to Sookie]: Did you call Rory?

SOOKIE: What?

LORELAI [whispers]: Did you call Rory on her cell phone, to ask her to be a godmother?

RORY: I renounce him.

REVEREND: Beau Belleville...

RORY [whispers]: What are you whispering about?

LORELAI: Just trying to get some information.

RORY: What information?

REVEREND: ... do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God?

BEAU: Satan can kiss my ass.

LORELAI [whispers]: How come Sookie had your phone number?

RORY [whispers]: What?

LORELAI [whispers]: She called you to ask you to be here, which means she must have had your phone number.

REVEREND: Excuse me. Ladies?

LORELAI: I'm sorry, Reverend. Can you just give us a moment, please?

[She nudges Rory out the side door. They are still holding the babies.]

OUTSIDE RORY: What is wrong with you?

LORELAI: Look, it's not like I really care, okay? It's not like I was going to call you up to chit-chat or make a date to go shoe shopping or something. But shouldn't a mother have a way to contact her daughter at least in case of an emergency? I mean, what if I was in an accident and I had to have a blood transfusion. You're the only person in the world with the same blood type! It would really help to have your phone number.

RORY: We are holding up the service.

LORELAI: I just think it's weird you would give Sookie your number and not me!

RORY: I didn't give Sookie my new number! Sookie called Grandma, Grandma left me a note and then I called Sookie back! And I didn't get a new number! I lost my phone!

LORELAI: Well if you lose your phone you should suspend your service until you get a new one! That way you get to keep the same number! Ever hear of that? It's ridiculous to get an entirely new number! No one gets an entirely new number!

RORY: Well, next time I will suspend my service.

SOOKIE [coming out]: Um, hi, guys, we kind of need the kids back. [She takes Davey and they go back inside.]

STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE

[Sookie's post-baptism party. Sookie approaches Lorelai at a food table.]

SOOKIE: Hey, godmother.

LORELAI: Hi. So sorry, again, for the drama.

SOOKIE: You always give me a good story to tell.

LORELAI: Well, I aim to please.

SOOKIE: You know, I have a little confession to make.

LORELAI: Oh, yeah?

SOOKIE: I kinda asked you and Rory to both be godmothers because I thought it might kinda bring you back together and patch things up.

LORELAI: Well, blow me down.

SOOKIE: I didn't fool you, huh?

LORELAI: No, but the salads are excellent.

SOOKIE: The salads are excellent!

[Lorelai notices Beau gesturing at her to come over.]

LORELAI: Okay, that's it. [She sets her plate down.] I'll be right back.

[She walks over to him.] Hi, Beau.

BEAU: Hey, darlin'. [He licks his thumb and touches her shoulder, then does the same to his arm.] What do you say we get out of these wet clothes?

LORELAI [disgusted]: Listen, Beau, uh, there's been a misunderstanding here. What Rune told you about me, it's not true!

BEAU: Really?

LORELAI: None of it.

BEAU: Oh. So you don't have a kid?

LORELAI: Well, no, I do have a kid.

BEAU: Well, you didn't get knocked up when you were sixteen?

LORELAI: Well, that part technically is true.

BEAU: And he said that you've never been married, that you're just single and dating around?

LORELAI: Well, I've never been married exactly, but I'm engaged now, and that's pretty steady, very permanent.

BEAU: He said you were engaged before.

LORELAI: You know what, it's all true. Okay, I'm a horn dog. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get some potato salad.

BEAU: Potato salad. [He raises his eyebrows seductively.] I get it.

LORELAI: Okay.

[She turns away. Rory steps up to her.]

RORY: So, I'm leaving.

LORELAI: Okay. Drive safe.

RORY: Look, I know this is lame at this point, but you can have my new number if you want it.

LORELAI: That's okay. I can call Mom and she can leave you a note.

RORY [disappointed]: Okay.

LORELAI: Okay.

[Rory leaves.]

RORY'S CAR

[She is driving. She dials a number on her cell phone. Scene cuts between her car and a Yale classroom, where Logan's class has just let out.]

LOGAN: Hello.

RORY: Hey.

LOGAN: Hey. How was the baptism?

RORY: Fine. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I'm not handling things particularly well these days.

LOGAN: Yeah, I know what you mean.

RORY: Logan, are you okay?

LOGAN: I had a talk with my father the other day and apparently I'm going to graduate this year. I'm going to get my act together and I'm going to become a Huntzberger.

RORY: What does that mean?

LOGAN: I'm going to start attending shareholder meetings, letting the boys see my face around. It means my pre-ordained life is kicking in.

RORY: Oh, I'm sorry.

LOGAN: Hey, always read the fine print on the family crest.

RORY: You know, maybe you can talk to your dad and tell him how you feel.

LOGAN: Hey, how far away are you from the airport?

RORY: Why?

LOGAN: Let's go to New York.

RORY: What?

LOGAN: New York. You and me, right now, by helicopter.

RORY: A helicopter? You're kidding.

LOGAN: We will spend the weekend at The Pierre. You don't have your community service 'till Monday, right?

RORY: Yeah, but - LOGAN: Don't pack. We'll shop. Much more irresponsible.

RORY: Um, Logan.

LOGAN: I'll see you at the airport in twenty minutes, Ace.

RORY: Okay. I'll see you in twenty minutes.

[She smiles as she hangs up the phone.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE

[Lorelai sits on the bed with Paul Anka and a spread of junk food. Rosie O'Donnell, playing the retarded woman in 'Riding the Bus with My Sister', is on the TV.]

ROSIE [on TV]: I think he's going to take me for a ride in it.

BUS DRIVER [on TV]: What about your boyfriend? What about Jesse?

ROSIE [on TV]: Jesse's delicious! He's going to take me shopping today to get a new toilet seat! Mine got broke and it was sliding. So I would fall off of it, like whoa!

LORELAI [sadly]: It's not the same.

ROSIE [on TV]: All this boring hellos. What, am I scaring you? Want me to scare you? Boo, boo, boo!

BUS DRIVER [on TV]: Miss.

[Lorelai takes a bite of a red vine and rubs Paul Anka's head.]

END