WRITTEN BY AMY SHERMAN-PALLADINO
DIRECTED BY AMY SHERMAN-PALLADINO
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Mrs. Kim places a sign on the door which reads 'Closed for Wedding'. She walks into the kitchen where several Korean women are cooking. Mrs. Kim samples a bite.]
MRS. KIM: Mm, very good. Not too spicy.
JUNE: I pack it very tightly. It strangles the spice.
MRS. KIM: Well, it's perfect. And we're doing very good on time. At four o'clock, we move on to dumplings. I'm going to open another window.
[She leaves the room. Lane comes down from upstairs.]
LANE: Boy, there's a lot of activity going on down here.
MRS. KIM: It's going very well. Your Aunt June is a wizard with the kim chee.
LANE: Well, is there anything I can do to help?
MRS. KIM: No. Go back upstairs. Read the Bible passages I've underlined.
[A relative in the kitchen sees Lane.]
WOMAN: Lane!
[All the women rush over, fussing over her.]
WOMAN: Lane! [More fussing in Korean.]
MRS. KIM: Back to work! All of you! [She pushes them back into the kitchen.] And she will have children in the proper time! [To Lane] You! Upstairs.
LANE: But Mama -)
MRS. KIM: You come down, cooking stops.
LANE: But it's hot up there, Mama. And you know what rises with the hot air? The smell of ten pounds of kim chee. I'm getting woozy.
MRS. KIM: Well, pull you sweater over your face. Just get back upstairs.
[There is a knock on the door. Mrs. Kim opens it.]
LORELAI [carrying a garment bag]: Vera Wang calling! Wow, you can almost see that smell.
MRS. KIM: Is that the dress?
LORELAI: It is indeed.
MRS. KIM: Wonderful! Lane, the dress.
[Lane turns around from halfway up the stairs, looking worried.]
MRS. KIM: Well, come on. Let's see it.
LORELAI: Okay. [She shuts the door behind her as the phone rings.]
MRS. KIM: Hold that thought. [She runs to answer the phone.]
LANE [whispers to Lorelai]: You couldn't have set it on fire?
LORELAI: Dude, there's not enough lighter fluid in the world.
LANE: I hope you made a matching blindfold so Zach doesn't actually have to see me in it.
LORELAI: Now, hun, you're going to look beautiful. You have a very pretty face, and you have hands and feet. To some guys, the stuff in between is just annoying.
[Mrs. Kim comes back in, dazed.]
LANE: Mama, are you okay?
MRS. KIM: Yes. Fine. [to Lorelai] What are you doing here?
LORELAI: Uh, I brought the dress.
MRS. KIM: What dress?
LANE: My wedding dress, Mama?
MRS. KIM: Oh. Yes.
LORELAI: I was just about to show it to you.
MRS. KIM: Right. Go ahead.
LORELAI [unzipping the bag nervously]: Um. Now, there were a couple of stains on it. Just probably from age, so I had to make a few minor adjustments, but I think you'll see, all in all, that the integrity of the dress has remained intact.
[Lorelai holds up the dress. Lane looks thrilled. Mrs. Kim just stares at it for a moment.]
MRS. KIM: Fine. How much do I owe you?
LORELAI [stunned]: Uh, nothing. Um, consider it a wedding gift.
MRS. KIM: Okay. I have to go back to work. I will see you and Luke at the wedding.
LORELAI: Yes, you will. I mean, you'll see me. Luke is out of town, but I'm going to take pictures and make him feel really bad he missed it. It's a thing we do.
MRS. KIM: Whatever. Goodbye.
[She leaves.]
LANE: Did she see it?
LORELAI: Well, I held it up right in front of her face.
LANE: But she didn't yell! It's got a waist and she didn't yell.
LORELAI: Don't question it. Take the dress upstairs and hide it 'till you're walking down the aisle, and even then, walk fast.
LANE: Thank you!
LORELAI: Okay.
[She leaves. Mrs. Kim runs screaming after her.]
MRS. KIM: Lorelai! Wait! Come back!
[She catches her on the front porch. Lane listens from inside.]
MRS. KIM: What do you mean, Luke's out of town?
LORELAI: Uh, well, I mean Luke's left town. He's gone far away from town. Town's there, and Luke's over here.
MRS. KIM: So he's not coming to the wedding with you?
LORELAI: No.
MRS. KIM: You mean you're coming alone, unescorted?
LORELAI: Well, Rory'll be there, so -)
MRS. KIM: No, she won't like it!
LORELAI: Who won't?
MRS. KIM: You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of a certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things. Bad things.
LORELAI: Like what?
MRS. KIM: Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
LORELAI: Wow. Suddenly, 'Footloose', not seeming so silly.
MRS. KIM: What are we going to do?
LORELAI: Well, I guess first of all, we should agree on a price.
MRS. KIM: You have to find someone to bring you. You have to find a man.
LORELAI: In one day? Are you kidding me? It took me this long to find Luke!
MRS. KIM: My daughter wants you at her wedding, fine. But if you're to come, then you need to come with a man! [She heads back inside, but turns back.] And Kirk does not count! [She goes inside.]
LORELAI [to herself]: Lorelai Gilmore, disappointing mothers since 1968.
OPENING CREDITS
YALE DAILY NEWS
[The place is busy.]
RORY [working on her computer]: Phones are ringing, people. Answer them. Who knows, it could be someone calling with a story! Wouldn't that be neat? Ah! I thought I told her to cut the second paragraph. Stacy, I thought I told you to cut the second paragraph!
STACY: I forgot!
RORY: Good work, Stacy! A.K., time?
A.K.: Three fifteen.
RORY: Okay, everyone, just a reminder that I am leaving at three. Which is fifteen minutes ago. So if anyone needs anything from me, too bad 'till Monday.
>PARIS [hands her some papers]: My pro-tenure piece.
RORY: Okay, thank you.
PARIS: And my anti-tenure piece.
RORY: Paris, come on.
PARIS: Just hear me out.
RORY: No!
PARIS: When I first started writing, I believed passionately that tenure was a reward for excellent service and a way for a school to attract the very best teachers from all over the country.
RORY: Sold. Let's go with that.
PARIS: But once I finished writing, I started thinking about the other side of the argument. I mean, money and employment for the rest of your life, no matter what? Where's the incentive to keep the standards high? I mean, remember Professor Leevers? He got tenured and lost all interest. Just sat there, doughy and sleepy. It was like being taught by Jimmy Kimmel.
RORY: Anti-tenure. Stamp it, ship it.
PARIS: I was thinking you could print both pieces.
RORY: What?
PARIS: Side by side, like a point-counterpoint.
RORY: You want me to print a point-counterpoint where both points are written by the same person?
PARIS: Bold, huh?
RORY: You have five minutes to pick a side. A.K., time?
A.K.: Three seventeen.
[Rosemary and Juliet enter.]
JULIET: Oh, how very 'All the President's Men'! Exciting!
ROSEMARY [to Rory]: Aha, just the girl we were looking for.
JULIET: We have a wonderful idea.
ROSEMARY: We are going to Costa Rica.
RORY: What?
JULIET: We're going to fly out tonight and meet the guys at the end of their river rafting trip.
ROSEMARY: We thought we'd set up a fabulous camp dressed up like natives in grass skirts and coconut bras and meet the boys with food, fresh booze and shaving cream.
JULIET: What do you think?
RORY: I think you should double-check your guide books, because I don't think the Costa Rican natives wear grass skirts and coconut bras.
ROSEMARY: Who cares? There's only a small window of time where a girl can pull off a coconut bra.
RORY: Well, thanks for the invite, but I can't.
JULIET: What? Why?
ROSEMARY: Don't you want to see Logan after six days without a shower?
JULIET: Or styling gel?
RORY: I have a wedding to go to and I'm leaving in a minute to head home.
JULIET: Rats.
ROSEMARY: Logan will be very disappointed.
RORY: Well, I'll hide the soap and the Kiehl's and we can re-enact it when he gets back.
ROSEMARY: Hm. I'm feeling a chill from the north.
JULIET: Okay, well, if you change your mind, and please change your mind, call my cell. We leave at ten.
RORY: Have a safe flight.
[They walk out.]
ROSEMARY [to a couple of staff]: Woodward. Bernstein.
RORY: Okay, and that's it! Layout's done. A.K.?
A.K.: Three twenty.
RORY [she gets up]: I'm outie! Jill, proof Paris's piece when it's in.
PARIS: I can't pick a side. Either way I look at it, I'm right.
RORY: I'll see you Monday, Paris.
DRAGONFLY INN
[Front desk. Lorelai is making gift bags.]
MICHEL: You know, I hear the weather's supposed to be beautiful tomorrow.
LORELAI: Hmm.
MICHEL: How big of a wedding do you think it will be?
LORELAI: I don't know.
MICHEL: Well, I hope it's a big wedding! I love big weddings.
LORELAI: Hm.
MICHEL: What time are you picking me up tomorrow?
LORELAI: Noon.
MICHEL: Oh, noon is fine. That'll give me plenty of time to get ready. You know, I hope you don't stay out too late tonight. You'll be tired for tomorrow.
LORELAI: I will not be tired.
MICHEL: I wouldn't drink too much either. You'll be puffy.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll keep it to half a box of wine, max.
MICHEL: I'm just saying, tomorrow is a very special day. You need to be perfect.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm not getting married, Michel.
MICHEL [chuckles]: I know that. But you are going to be with me, and I am going to look fantastic, and you know that who you are with is always a reflection of yourself, and I don't want my reflection to look like Judy Garland, the Mark Herron years.
LORELAI: Michel, stop.
MICHEL: Now, I'm going to be wearing my blue pinstripe, so if you wear something in an ice blue, or, oh, yes! Silver! That would look amazing! No one would take their eyes off of us.
LORELAI: And how delighted the bride will be.
MICHEL: Now let's discuss dancing. As you know, I am a fabulous dancer. Danny Terrio level, and I intend to to dance a lot. It's what I do at parties to compensate for the elevated calorie intake. I just shake it all off.
LORELAI: Well, I promise to duck.
MICHEL: I don't understand your attitude! After all, these are your friends, I don't even know them.
SOOKIE [yells from the kitchen]: Lorelai!
LORELAI: Yeah!
SOOKIE: Lorelai, help! Lorelai!
[Lorelai rushes and meets her in the hallway.]
SOOKIE: Oh my God. Little problem. Something went very, very wrong.
LORELAI: Wrong with what?
SOOKIE: Remember the dirty cookies I was baking for the bachelorette gift baskets?
LORELAI: Uh huh.
SOOKIE: They expanded in the oven.
LORELAI: Expanded, what do you mean?
[Sookie lifts up the towel on the tray of cookies she's carrying.]
LORELAI: Oh, dear!
SOOKIE: I know!
LORELAI: Hello, Tommy Lee.
SOOKIE: I don't know what happened! Too much yeast.
LORELAI: Well, I cannot put those in the bags with the shiny tiaras and the bubble wands!
SOOKIE: I know! I know, I know. I'll go try and figure something out!
[She hurries back to the kitchen as Lorelai's cell phone rings.]
LORELAI [chuckling]: Okay. [She answers the phone.] Hello.
CHRISTOPHER [on the phone]: Hey, Lor, you got a minute?
[Michel puts on some dance music and begins dancing in the lobby. Lorelai gapes at him.]
MICHEL: You see? This is what you're up against!
LORELAI: Yes, I have a minute.
CHRISTOPHER: I just got Rory one of those Sidekicks. Actually, I got it for her a couple of days ago, so she already has it, and then I realized it's probably one of those things I should run past you, so I'm running it past you now. Is that okay? 'Cause if it's not, I can take it back. I'll just say I read something in Consumer Reports about radiation levels.
LORELAI: Chris, honey, we're way past the point where you have to get my permission to buy your own daughter a gift.
CHRISTOPHER: We are?
LORELAI: Yes. Didn't you get the memo?
CHRISTOPHER: Well, you know what a mess my desk is.
LORELAI: I think it's nice that you bought Rory a gift.
CHRISTOPHER: Good.
LORELAI: So, how are you?
CHRISTOPHER: Great.
LORELAI: Yeah, how's Gigi?
CHRISTOPHER: She's, well, hold on a sec. [He holds the phone up.] You hear that?
LORELAI: No.
CHRISTOPHER: Exactly!
LORELAI: Oh, come on. It's naptime.
CHRISTOPHER: Not until four, my friend.
LORELAI: Ha, then she's holding her breath until you buy her a Porsche.
CHRISTOPHER: She is in her room playing with her toys, shining her halo as we speak.
LORELAI: Well, well, well, look who's cracking the whip!
CHRISTOPHER: I gotta tell you, that 'No' word is pretty awesome. I can't wait to try out the 'You're grounded'!
LORELAI: So - [She is distracted by Michel's dancing. She turns away.] Anyway.
KIM’S ANTIQUES
[Rory enters. The furniture is mostly cleared out.]
RORY: Lane, I’m here, and I -)
MRS. KIM [rushing by her, carrying something out the door]: Move!
RORY: Lane, hi! I –
LANE [following Mrs. Kim, also carrying stuff]: Coming through!
RORY: Am I here early?
LANE: Sorry. Hi! Glad you’re here.
RORY: What’s going on? And where’s all your stuff?
LANE: My grandma’s coming.
RORY: Well, geez, how big is she?
LANE: She hasn’t been out of Korea in forty-five years, because she refuses to travel, so we figured there's no way she’d come, but she called today and she’s coming.
RORY: So that’s nice, right?
MRS. KIM: Help me!
LANE: Coming! [She rushes to help her carry in a Buddha statue.]
RORY: Whoa! Big Buddha!
MRS. KIM: Save the commentary, grab the feet.
RORY: Okay.
MRS. KIM: Be careful. Don’t let it drop.
RORY: What happens if it drops?
MRS. KIM: It breaks.
RORY: Oh, you ask a stupid question…
MRS. KIM: Down, here!
[They set it down on the table.]
MRS. KIM: I’ll have the boys next door bring the other one in. Did you get the crucifixes out of the kitchen?
LANE: No.
MRS. KIM: Go! Both of you! Go! Go!
RORY: Going!
MRS. KIM: And don’t forget the Christ’s feet tea towel!
[They run into the kitchen and begin removing items.]
RORY: Okay, seriously, you have got to fill me in or I’ve got to call my lifeline. What is with the Buddha?
LANE: Apparently, my grandmother’s a Buddhist.
MRS. KIM [hurries in]: Go hide these in your room.
LANE: Closet?
MRS. KIM: Uh, floorboards!
[They run up to Lane’s room and hide the things in the floorboards.]
RORY: I don’t understand. So your grandma’s Buddhist. Why are we – oh my God. She doesn’t know!
LANE: Nope.
RORY: Your mother’s mother does not know she’s a Seventh Day Adventist!
LANE: And it would be a very big deal if she found out!
RORY: That is so weird!
LANE: Tell me about it. I just discovered today that I am simply the latest link in a chain of Kim women who hide their real lives under floorboards, away from their mothers!
[The doorbell rings.]
MRS. KIM [calling up]: Lane! She’s here!
LANE: I want all boys!
RORY: Praise Buddha!
[They run back into the hall and stop at the top of the stairs, looking down.]
RORY: That’s your mom’s mom?
LANE: Yep.
[The small woman looks up the stairs at them and speaks sternly to Lane in Korean. They walk tentatively down the stairs.]
RORY: I see the resemblance.
[Grandmother Kim greets Lane happily in Korean. They hug. Lane replies uncomfortably. Grandmother Kim speaks to Lane, and then to Mrs. Kim. She looks around and speaks judgmentally of the house. She sniffs the air and says something insulting. Mrs. Kim walks behind her, nervous and insecure. Grandmother Kim continues to get upset and then holds her hands together to pray. She runs into the other room where they placed the Buddha statue and kneels in front of it.]
RORY: What was that all about?
LANE: Three complaints, two insults, and a hefty dose of religious guilt.
[Mrs. Kim kneels down next to her mother and they begin bowing repeatedly.]
RORY: What are they doing now?
LANE: The ritual of a hundred and eight bows.
RORY: Should be called a hundred and eight ‘ow’s. [She snickers at her own joke.] My mother would have liked that one. [They watch them bowing.] It’s kind of hypnotizing if you stare at it long enough.
LANE: Oh, shoot. We have to go. [Rory nods. Lane walks over to her mother.] Uh, Mama? [Mrs. Kim ignores her. Lane glances back at Rory, who shrugs.] Mama, we have to go. The, uh, bachelorette party? We’re meeting the others at Doose’s.
MRS. KIM: Eighty-eight to go.
LANE: Okay, so, I’ll see you later! Bye.
[She and Rory rush out..]
DOOSE’S MARKET
[Lane and a bunch of giggling girls, including Rory, Lorelai and Sookie, spill out of Doose’s market wearing tiaras and blinking necklaces.]
LORELAI: Ladies, ladies, please! I need your attention, it’s a very serious subject here! Now, I need to do a quick check to make sure we have got all of our supplies. Rory, read off the list!
RORY: Beer!
LANE: Check!
RORY: More beer.
LORELAI: Check.
RORY: Pretzels and beer.
GIRL: Check!
RORY: Various chocolaty treats, alternative alcohol for those who don’t like beer, and beer.
GIRL 2: Check!
RORY: List complete, Sarge.
LORELAI: Excellent. Now, we are about to commence the first leg of our evening. Our dear friend Lane is about to get married, and it is our job to make sure we give her one night and one headache she will never forget!
LANE: Hear, hear!
LORELAI: Now, our first stop is the Black, White and Read Bookstore, where we will sneak in our booze and our treats and proceed to get drunk and watch tonight’s feature, American Gigolo!
SOOKIE: Featuring a little full-frontal from Mr. Gere himself.
LORELAI: All right! Let’s go to the movies!
GIRLS [cheering]: To the movies!
KYON [running up]: Wait for me! Sorry I’m late. I had to wait for the two Mrs. Kims to go to sleep before I can climb down tree to meet you. Luckily, all that bowing makes them sleep like dogs!
RORY: It’s okay, Kyon, we were just leaving.
KYON [as she talks, she removes her conservative clothing to reveal jeans and an Avril Lavigne t-shirt]: Oh, good. I had to get out of house. Stinks like kim chee and incense. You can’t breathe. There’s Buddhas everywhere, staring at you. [Rory and Lane stare at her in disbelief.] What?
LANE: When did you start double-dressing? And… Avril Lavigne?
KYON: Avril Lavigne rocks. You’re such a snob. If it’s not Joy Division you no like it. Well, you can’t dance to Joy Division!
LANE: This is crazy! My whole family is crazy.
RORY [checking out a beep on her Sidekick]: Well, welcome to the club.
[The group walks on. Rory types as they go.]
LORELAI: Mm, secret admirer?
RORY: It’s Dad. He gave me this thing as a gift, you know. However, he also got himself one, and since then he’s been text-ing me every five minutes. It’s insane. You should have told him no when he ran this past you.
LORELAI: I think it’s nice you have a real Daddy-daughter thing going on here.
RORY: Oh, yeah. He’s shopping for celery at the supermarket. They’re running a special.
LORELAI [laughs]: He’s just excited.
RORY: Yeah, well, now he’s in the canned peas aisle. Apparently he doesn’t like canned peas, but he does like pea soup. Interesting, no? No!
LORELAI: All right, give me that. [She takes the Sidekick and begins typing.] Um, okay. "Your daughter’s about to see Richard Gere’s penis, enjoy your celery!" That should shut him up for a while.
[They glance over to see a girl throwing up beside the mini-gazebo. They frown.]
LORELAI: That’s got to be some sort of a record.
LATER
[The girls are walking through the town square again, dejected.]
SOOKIE: I don’t understand. I checked the time of the movie twice.
LORELAI: Well, the paper probably printed it wrong again.
RORY: We could have just gone in.
LORELAI: No, too risky. No way to know if we’d missed the money shot.
SOOKIE: And American Gigolo without the Gigo-down-low is pointless.
LANE: Well, what should we do now?
LORELAI: Uh, well, we could kill some time ‘till the next showing.
SOOKIE: Sure, that’s only forty-five minutes.
RORY: So where should we go?
LORELAI: Could get some coffee.
KYON: Par-tay.
SOOKIE: Well maybe we could play a game. I do that with the kids and time flies.
LORELAI: I don’t really think peek-a-boo’s going to fly, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Well, we could make it more adult! You know. Peek-a-boo! Take a shot! It could be fun…
[Zach and his bachelor party group come around the corner.]
ZACH: Hey!
GIRLS: Hey!
ZACH: I didn’t expect to see you guys here!
LANE: Well, we were going to see American Gigolo, but we missed it.
SOOKIE: I swear, I checked the time twice!
RORY: We believe you, Sookie.
LANE: What are you guys doing here?
GIL: We just came from Dell’s bar.
BRIAN: It closed early ‘cause it’s Dell’s wedding anniversary.
LORELAI: Dell’s is closed? Shoot. We were going to go there after the movie.
RORY: Well, we could go to the Chimney Sweep.
SOOKIE: No, it burned down last week.
RORY: Ironic.
GIL: We could drive down over to Beacon Falls, is there anything open there?
LORELAI: No.
BRIAN: We could go to my aunt’s house. She’s got a rec room with a record player.
ZACH: No way, that’s completely lame. Which one’s American Gigolo? Is that the one where they show Richard Gere’s johnson? ‘Cause that sounds weird for a bachelor party.
LANE [laughs]: We are not doing this!
ZACH: Doing what?
LANE: We’re supposed to be getting wild at separate bachelor and bachelorette parties! We cannot be bumping into each other all night long!
ZACH: The lady’s right! Come on, men! Let’s go find something wild to do!
GUYS: Yeah!
[They leave.]
LORELAI: Hey, you guys, we are looking pathetic now. All right? We are young, temporarily single girls on the prowl. There is plenty to do tonight that we can be mortified about tomorrow!
RORY: Well, the t-shirts and tiaras are a start.
LORELAI: Exactly. All right, ladies, let’s go find us some fun!
[They walk off, giggling..]
LATER
[They stand in front of a house. They seem to be waiting for something.]
LORELAI: Five more seconds. Anyone?
LANE: No.
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: Let’s do it.
[They walk up and Lane knocks on the door. A woman opens it.]
LANE: Hi! Are you Brian’s aunt?
AUNT: Oh, you must be Lane. The boys are downstairs, in the rec room.
LORELAI [excited]: Sounds like they have foosball!
RORY: Foosball’s fun!
[They file into the house. We hear Zach yelling.]
ZACH: Bachelorettes in the house!
LORELAI: Hey, boys!
[Cheering.]
KYON: They have a moose head!
LORELAI’S HOUSE
[Next day, Lorelai walks down the stairs and puts on her shoes. Rory is sitting on the couch with her Sidekick.]
RORY: Dad’s feet are two different sizes.
LORELAI: Oh, for the love of – hey. [She holds up two purses.] Which one says, “Hi, I’m not a whore, enjoy your day”?
RORY: The pink one.
[The phone rings.]
RORY: Do not talk, we’re going to be late.
LORELAI: I talk fast, it’s a gift. Hello?
MICHEL [on the phone]: I just got tickets to Celine Dion!
LORELAI: What?
[Scene cuts between Lorelai’s house and Michel’s bedroom where he is picking out clothes.]
MICHEL: My friend Tessa just called and told me she has front row seats to Celine Dion and I’m going with her!
LORELAI: Well, that’s great.
MICHEL: I have been waiting forever to get this close to Celine, oh my God, I’m shaking like a leaf. What should I wear? What would Celine like me in?
LORELAI: I don’t know, Michel. But I’m on my way to pick you up, so –
MICHEL: Oh, no, don’t bother. I’m not going to the wedding.
LORELAI: What? Why not?
MICHEL: Because I’m going to Celine Dion! Hello! What have I been saying to you?
LORELAI: No, Michel, you have to go to the wedding!
MICHEL: Eh, sorry. I cannot.
LORELAI: Well, you’ve already seen Celine Dion!
MICHEL: Only five times, and never in the front row! I was in the balcony with the riff-raff and the people who sneak in pot!
LORELAI: Michel, you have to go! I need an escort!
MICHEL: Find someone there. That’s why single women go to weddings.
LORELAI: I am not single! I’m engaged!
MICHEL: Lorelai, I’m sorry. In the future I owe you some kind of a favor but tonight you’re on your own.
LORELAI: Michel –
MICHEL: I must go. I’ll bring you a mouse pad. Bye-bye.
[He hangs up.]
LORELAI: Ugh! Michel is going to the Celine Dion concert!
RORY: Bummer.
LORELAI: What am I supposed to do now? Mrs. Kim made it very clear that I was not supposed to show up without a guy. This is ridiculous. Even when I have a man, I’m still the girl who doesn’t have a man! This sucks! I’ve known Lane since she was a little kid! She’s spent more time at our house than at her own, and now I’m going to miss her wedding? Fracking Celine Dion!
RORY: You want me to see if Dad can go with you?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I’ve got him right here, he’s turning left on Main and he found a buffalo head nickel in his glove compartment.
LORELAI: No, I don’t know. It’s Saturday. I’m sure he’s busy.
RORY: He’s just left the hardware store and now he’s parked on the side of the road trying to decide how many tacos he wants. I vote three, ‘cause two just never seems like enough.
LORELAI: Okay, fine, so he’s not busy. But the wedding is starting in forty-five minutes!
RORY: He can be here in twenty.
LORELAI: Seriously?
RORY: Wow. Four tacos. Quite a man, my father. So, what do you think? Should I pull the trigger?
LORELAI [sighs]: Tell him to bring me a taco.
RORY: Will do. [Reading] T.P.T.D.I.
LORELAI: What does that mean?
RORY: Totally psyched to do it.
LORELAI: He's making up his own acronyms?
RORY: Yeah, and he just learned how to make the happy face.
LORELAI [snorts]: Sorry, kid. What can I say? He was really hot in high school.
KIM’S ANTIQUES
[Lorelai stands outside. Some older Korean men look at her disapprovingly. She covers herself up a little more. Chris arrives.]
CHRIS: Hey!
LORELAI: Hi!
CHRIS: Sorry I'm late. [He kisses her cheek.]
LORELAI: Oh, forget it. I can't believe you're doing this!
CHRIS: It's my pleasure. Wow. You look great. Do I look okay? This is the jacket I had with me in the car.
LORELAI [distracted by Mrs. Kim]: Yeah, yeah, you look fine.
CHRIS: Hey, check it out! Buffalo head nickel.
LORELAI: Oh, great, let's go.
CHRIS: Go where?
LORELAI [pushes him into the house]: Excuse me. Hi, Mrs. Kim! I'd like you to meet Christopher Hayden. He's Rory's father - and a man!
CHRIS: Did that really need clarification?
LORELAI: She instructed me to bring a man today, and I just wanted to show her that I can take direction well. You never know who knows Spielberg.
CHRIS: Why'd you have to bring a man?
LORELAI: Because an unmarried woman, alone, of a certain age, dressed the way I dress, apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson.
CHRIS: Where's Luke?
LORELAI: Uh, out of town with his kid.
CHRIS: Oh. Well then, lucky me. I always wanted to meet Jenna Jameson.
RORY [finds them]: There they are.
LORELAI: Yes, all nice and proper.
CHRIS: Hey. This is very impressive.
RORY: It's a Buddhist wedding.
CHRIS: Is the Dalai Lama coming?
LORELAI: Yes, he's having the chicken.
[People begin to assemble.]
RORY: Oh, it must be starting. You guys should stand over there.
CHRIS: Yeah, we'll wait for you after.
LORELAI: Did you not get it? He's having the chicken? The Dalai Lama's a vegetarian, so obviously he's not having the chicken. Sorry. Should I have texted it to you instead?
[Chris chuckles. Lane's grandmother comes in, followed by Mrs. Kim. The officiant takes his place. Zach, wearing traditional Buddhist wedding attire, which is a long blue silk robe, enters, followed by his groomsmen. Lane enters from upstairs, also wearing the traditional costume, which is red and heavy-looking but she looks beautiful. Zach indicates to her that he likes his robe. She smiles. The officiant begins speaking. As he is speaking, Grandmother Kim becomes upset by something and begins whispering to Mrs. Kim with hostility. Mrs. Kim attempts to appease her but she becomes so upset that she walks out. Mrs. Kim follows her. The wedding ceremony continues with the background of them arguing in the other room.]
LORELAI: The universal sounds of family.
LATER - OUTSIDE
[Mrs. Kim walks with her mother out to a taxicab. They exchange a few more words, Mrs. Kim bowing nervously. Grandmother Kim gets into the cab and leaves. Mrs. Kim bows several more times as the cab drives away. As soon as the car is out of sight, she turns to the crowd of people watching on the steps of the house.]
MRS. KIM: Go!
[She runs. The people pour out of the house, shoving Lorelai and Christopher around.]
CHRIS: Whoa!
LORELAI: Hey!
CHRIS: What the hell is happening?
LORELAI: Are there bulls coming out of there?
CHRIS: We would have heard the china breaking!
LORELAI: My God!
RORY [emerging from the house]: Why aren't you running?
LORELAI: Well, why should we be running?
RORY: To get to the church!
LORELAI: For what?
RORY: For the wedding!
CHRIS: I thought this was the wedding!
RORY: This was the grandmother's wedding! Now we do the mother's wedding.
LORELAI: Well, why do we have to run?
RORY: Because! There's fifty-eight seats and sixty-two Koreans!
LORELAI: Oh boy! Go!
[They take off running.]
LORELAI: Don't slow down!
CHRIS: My shoes are slippery!
LORELAI: Suck it up!
[They run up next to Sookie and Jackson.]
SOOKIE: Hey! Hi, Christopher!
LORELAI: Chris, you remember Sookie and Jackson!
CHRIS: Yeah, nice to see you again!
JACKSON: You, too!
SOOKIE: Nice day for a wedding!
LORELAI: Beautiful.
JACKSON: Perfect weather.
SOOKIE: Why are we running?
LORELAI: Fifty-eight seats, sixty-two Koreans!
SOOKIE: Run for me, baby!
JACKSON: I'm on it!
[They enter the crowded church.]
LORELAI: What do you see? Do you see anything open?
SOOKIE: We'll take two and two! Two and two is fine.
LORELAI: We can find four together.
SOOKIE: I don't think we can!
LORELAI: I see something. Patty! Patty!
MISS PATTY [seated near the front, knitting, with empty seats next to her]: Oh, hi, honey! What a pretty dress. Oh, the things you can pull off with that body.
JACKSON: Are these all taken?
MISS PATTY: Oh, no, I just thought I'd save some in case. Here, come sit!
LORELAI: It's a madhouse in here. How did you get all these seats together?
MISS PATTY: Honey, I've been here all night.
SOOKIE: You're kidding. Why?
MISS PATTY: Fifty-eight seats and sixty-two Koreans? Puh-lease. Carrot sticks?
LANE'S DRESSING ROOM
[Rory adjusts Lane's veil.]
LANE: God. Look at me. I look like a bride.
RORY: You are a bride.
LANE [giggling]: I feel so weird.
RORY: I want a picture.
LANE: Of me feeling weird?
RORY: No! Of me standing next to you while you're feeling weird.
[She sets her camera up on the dresser and walks over to stand with Lane. The camera flashes. Mrs. Kim enters.]
MRS. KIM: Everything all right?
RORY: Uh, yeah, Mrs. Kim. Everything's fine.
MRS. KIM: The dress looks different.
LANE: Really? Does it? Everything looks different through the eyes of a bride.
MRS. KIM: Rory, can you excuse us a moment?
RORY: Sure. I'll be right outside. [She leaves the room.]
LANE: Mama, is something wrong? 'Cause the dress -)
MRS. KIM: Forget the dress. Sit down, please.
[She pulls up a chair and they both sit.]
MRS. KIM: Uh, Lane, I have something very upsetting to talk to you about.
LANE: Oh, what?
MRS. KIM: It concerns the wedding night.
LANE [uncomfortably]: Oh, boy.
MRS. KIM: Yes. Oh, boy. Marriage is a job, Lane. There are rewards that come with this job but there are also sacrifices. There are things you are going to have to do.
LANE: Things?
MRS. KIM: Terrible things.
LANE: Mama, you don't have to -)
MRS. KIM: You need to hear this. You need to know what to expect. It will start early.
LANE: What will?
MRS. KIM: The man's expectations. It starts early. At the wedding, actually. At the wedding, you're going to have to kiss him.
LANE: Mama -)
MRS. KIM: You will then be expected to share a bed tonight. And when you're in that bed, you are expected to -)
LANE[begging her to stop]: Mama, please!
MRS. KIM: You have to do it with this boy, Lane. You're just going to have to do it. Hopefully, if you're lucky like me, you'll only have to do it once.
[Lane cringes..]
CHURCH SANCTUARY
[Zach takes his place at the front. The doors open. Mrs. Kim enters. Then Rory. Lorelai and Chris smile proudly. Everyone stands as Lane begins her walk down the aisle. She and Zach both look happy and excited.]
LORELAI [whispering]: You know, I remember the day I met Lane. It was Rory's first day of kindergarten, and she insisted on wearing my Chico and the Man t-shirt, which I thought would either elicit confused shrugs or label her as the weird seventies sitcom kid. And we walked in the classroom, and Lane came running up to her and offered to share her crayons with her and I was so grateful, 'cause I thought even if Lane turned out to be a psycho bad seed serial killer kid, at least Rory had a friend. Who knew it would turn out to be a lifelong friendship?
CHRIS: Well, they're young. There's plenty of time for them to have a stupid fight and screw it up.
[The minister begins speaking in Korean. Everyone sits.]
LORELAI: This is the first one of Rory's friends to get married.
CHRIS: Yeah. You know, Rory could be next.
[Lorelai stares at him with a weird look on her face.]
LORELAI: Yeah.
CHURCH - OUTSIDE - LATER
[Lane and Zach run out into the street with confetti pouring over them. They kiss. Everyone cheers and hugs.]
JACKSON: That's just the way I like 'em. Short, and in a language I can't understand.
SOOKIE: I thought it was beautiful. What an elegant dress!
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, the dress did look nice, didn't it?
JACKSON: I'm going to go call the babysitter.
SOOKIE: I'll go with you. We have this new babysitter. She's seventeen, sweet as can be, perfect student, references up the wazoo. She seems absolutely perfect in every way.
LORELAI: Well, she's probably a crackhead.
JACKSON: Thank you! I'm calling right now.
SOOKIE: I'll go with you.
LORELAI: Let's go find the bar.
CHRIS: Right behind you.
[They walk off.]
ZACH: It was awesome, man, just flowed right down to the ground. Majorly comfortable. There's a reason Buddhists are so peaceful. You have to see it!
[Kyon walks by and she and Brian exchange flirty looks.]
GIL: Hey, I'm just happy to have another married guy around.
ZACH: Hey, just because I'm married now doesn't mean we're going to have any Dr. Phil moments.
GIL: Just wait, my friend. Just wait till the first time you don't bring home the dry cleaning.
ZACH: Dude! This is my day. Can we not talk about dry cleaning?
GIL: Absolute-y.
ZACH: Thank you. So this robe - it must be made of silk. 'Cause it is so soft!
GIL: Silk, huh? I bet it's hand-wash only.
[Lorelai and Chris walk by again.]
LORELAI: Well, that definitely was not the bar.
CHRIS: Maybe it's over there.
LORELAI: No, that's the gift table.
CHRIS: Did we try behind the church?
LORELAI: Twice! There has to be a bar!
JACKSON: We called Darla, if that is her real name, and apparently everything's fine. Hey, where's the bar?
CHRIS: We were just wondering that ourselves.
RORY: There you guys are! I was very proud of the lack of heckling coming from your section.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. We were real good. Now where's the bar?
RORY: Sh! Don't say that so loud.
LORELAI: What? No. No way! No bar, are you kidding?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: What? They don't have to drink it.
[She looks over as warming trays of food are put out.]
LORELAI: Well, if we can't drink, might as well go get something to eat.
RORY: That food is not for you.
LORELAI: What? Hold on! Is this the not-married thing again? Did you tell them I'm engaged? Engaged has got to be worth a spare rib!
JACKSON: What the hell are they doing?
[The Korean family members hurry through the food line with styrofoam take-out containers. At the end of the line are Lane and Mrs. Kim, holding a bag. Each person deposits an envelope into the bag and then rushes to their cars. Lane nods and bows appreciatively.]
LORELAI: Well, there's something you don't see everyday.
[Lane and Mrs. Kim thank the guests in Korean.]
LANE: Wow. We just made it!
MRS. KIM: Oh, yes, they really cleaned us out. Let's see the bag. [She peeks in.] Nice haul.
LANE: I can't believe your friends gave me all this money!
MRS. KIM: They are good people, they know you're a good girl. Lester Shin probably stiffed you.
LANE: That's okay.
MRS. KIM: I can take those checks back home and put them in the safe for you.
LANE: Sure, that'd be great.
MRS. KIM [takes the bag]: It was a very nice ceremony.
LANE: It was.
MRS. KIM: The second one.
LANE: I know.
MRS. KIM: Thank you for doing two ceremonies. It was very important to your grandmother.
LANE: It was fun. Made my wedding seem a little more special.
MRS. KIM: Well, it's good you see it that way. All right, well, all my guests are gone. I'm going home.
LANE: Are you sure?
MRS. KIM: Yes, I'm very tired. I'm going to go home and go straight to bed.
LANE: Okay.
MRS. KIM: I'm going to wear earplugs tonight. The good ones that expand in your ear so I won't be able to hear anything that might be going on out in the street at all hours of the night.
LANE [hugs her tightly]: Thank you, Mama, for everything! And look at it this way, you're not losing a daughter. You're gaining a son. [They look over at Zach, who is wearing his Buddhist robe again.] Who likes to wear a dress.
MRS. KIM: He had better make you happy.
LANE: He will.
MRS. KIM [leaves]: Don't let him take pictures in that thing!
[Lane gives a thumbs-up signal to Kirk. He sticks a sign to the side of a truck that reads 'Yummy Bartenders'.]
KIRK [knocks on the back of the truck]: We're on, boys! [He walks over to Lane, who has been joined by Zach.] Excuse me. Where do you want it, sir?
ZACH: Close, dude. Really, really close.
KIRK: Roger, Wilco. Drop it and stack it, boys.
[Lane and Zach almost kiss, but Lorelai runs over and interrupts.]
LORELAI: Excuse me! Hold on a second, there's something wrong with your dress, here.
[She reaches down and rips a part of the skirt off to make it shorter. Lane giggles and twirls around.]
ZACH: Yes! My wife's got legs! So let's get this party started!
[They kiss and everyone cheers..]
LANE AND ZACH'S WEDDING IN THE TOWN SQUARE
[Close-up on the cake, which has a portrait of Lane and Zach in the style of the White Stripes' Get Behind Me Satan album cover. The gazebo is covered in twinkle lights, Blondie is playing and the atmosphere is festive.]
RORY [at the bar]: Two Manhattans, extra cherries.
KIRK: Excuse me, Rory?
RORY: Yeah, Kirk?
KIRK: I have to ask you something. Do you think he's yummy enough?
RORY: Who?
KIRK: Troy.
RORY: The bartender?
KIRK: Yes. See, I put this company together for the sole purpose of bringing truly yummy bartenders to the lonely women of Stars Hollow. But they really have to be yummy. I'm talking mouthwatering, tasty morsels of manhood. Which, by the way, was the original name of the business but it was already taken by a firm in Woodbridge.
RORY: Really.
KIRK: Yeah. Now, when I first met Troy, I thought he was the epitome of yumminess, you know? But now I see him in the moonlight, I'm not so sure.
RORY: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Kirk. I think Troy's plenty yummy.
KIRK: You do?
RORY: Yeah, I really do. Can I go now?
KIRK: Yes. Thank you. Enjoy your evening.
[Rory takes her drinks from Troy. Kirk glances at him appraisingly.]
LORELAI [on her cellphone, at a table]: Yes, hi. Is Sookie or Jackson there? No. All right, well, just tell them Lorelai called. Thank you. [She hangs up.]
JACKSON: Well?
LORELAI: She didn't sound drunk at all.
JACKSON: But she sounded like there was a guy there, right?
LORELAI: No.
JACKSON: What about a pimp. Did you hear a pimp?
LORELAI: Yes, I heard a pimp, but he sounded like he had a heart of gold!
JACKSON: I don't understand! She's too perfect.
RORY [approaches]: Who's too perfect?
LORELAI: You are! Oh, extra cherries! Cheers.
RORY: Cheers!
LORELAI: Rory, your father has something he wants to tell you.
RORY: Yes, I just want to apologize for my Sidekick stalking. I realize now that I have a problem.
LORELAI: Which is the first step to recovery. The second step is that he's now giving the Sidekick to me!
RORY: No!
LORELAI: Heh!
RORY: That's worse!
LORELAI [miming using the Sidekick]: Hi Rory! What are you doing? What are you wearing? What are you thinking? What about now? Do you miss me? Do you think I'm pretty? Where do babies come from?
RORY: Thanks a lot, mister.
LANE: Hi! [She and Zach walk up.]
LORELAI: Hi!
SOOKIE: Hello, there!
JACKSON: Kudos on the hot dogs, by the way.
LANE: Zach's idea.
ZACH: Lane came up with the fries, though.
LORELAI: You are so perfect together.
SOOKIE: Are you having fun?
LANE: Yes! A little too much fun.
ZACH: We actually thought we should make the rounds before we get too toasted to remember who you are. [To Christopher] Who are you?
RORY: Zach, this is my dad, Christopher. This is Zach.
CHRIS: Congratulations, man. Nice weddings!
ZACH: Thank you.
RORY: Hey, I want to take a picture of everyone with Lane and Zach!
LORELAI: Oh, God, I hate the paparazzi.
RORY: Come on and get in the picture! Say cheese!
EVERYONE: Cheese!
RORY: Thank you.
LANE: Okay! We should go, we have six more tables to hit. If we forget to say it later, we're really glad you came.
ZACH: Later!
EVERYONE: Bye.
[They leave.]
CHRIS [hold up his glass]: I'm out.
[Chris gets up and Lorelai takes his seat next to Rory.]
LORELAI: Let me see the picture.
RORY: No! You'll delete it.
LORELAI: Not if it's good!
RORY: You erase every picture I take of you.
LORELAI: No. Only the ones where I look like Rhoda.
RORY: You never look like Rhoda.
LORELAI: Occasionally I look like Rhoda.
RORY: Fine. Here. [She shows her.]
LORELAI: Wow, you have a lot of pictures.
RORY: I like proof, okay?
LORELAI: Hm. Whoa, whoa. Go back.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Flip back! Who's that?
RORY [awkwardly]: That's me. With April.
LORELAI: Oh. When did you meet April?
RORY: Um, when I went to Philadelphia for Jess's open house.
LORELAI: Jess? Philadelphia? What am I missing here?
RORY: Nothing. Jess's work had an open house. I was invited, and I went, and Luke showed up there with April, it was a total fluke.
LORELAI: God. I didn't know you were seeing Jess.
RORY: I'm not seeing him. We're just friends.
LORELAI: Does Logan know you went to see Jess?
RORY: No. Logan is in Costa Rica.
LORELAI: Huh.
RORY: I swear, nothing happened there.
LORELAI: Okay, so you met April? You took a picture together, like you're pals?
RORY: I swear, Mom. It was a crazy coincidence. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just - I felt so weird about it.
LORELAI: Oh, sure. I get it.
RORY: Look, it's not like Luke was trying to introduce her to me. I walked in, they were there.
LORELAI: Right, okay. Fluke.
RORY: Are you okay?
LORELAI: I'm fine! I'm going to get another drink, do you want anything?
[Rory shakes her head.] Okay. I'll be right back.
[Lorelai gets up. Rory looks sadly guilty. People begin to cheer as Zach takes the microphone and the band assembles.]
ZACH: What's up, Stars Hollow! Who likes my robe! [Cheering.] Thanks. I'm liking it myself. Okay. Tonight is not only the night I married the coolest girl on the planet, it is also the world premiere of the newly reunited Hep Alien. [Cheering.] It feels great to be back! [He goes back to the drums to give Lane a kiss. She counts in and they begin playing 'I'm A Believer'.]
LULU [chasing Kirk through the crowd]: I swear! Nothing happened!
KIRK: I know what I saw! He put fruit in your drink! Lots of fruit!
LULU: I asked him for the fruit! I was hungry!
KIRK [gets up and takes the microphone]: Attention party-goers and revelers. As I have just recently fired all of the Yummy Bartenders, from now on the bar is serve yourself.
[He storms off.]
LULU: Kirk!
KIRK: Too yummy! Way too yummy!
LULU: Kirk, this is crazy! Why are you acting like this?
[They run off. Kyon and Brian are making out. Rory sits alone at the table with Christopher.]
CHRIS: Boy, I tell you, if you have to get married, this is the way to do it.
RORY: Have to get married? Oh my, so cynical and jaded.
CHRIS: Well, we can't all be cool like Zach.
RORY: I think they're really happy.
CHRIS: Good. That's the way it's supposed to be. Glad I came to this thing tonight.
RORY: Me too!
CHRIS: So where's Logan?
RORY: Oh, um, he's in Costa Rica.
CHRIS: Costa Rica? Work, play?
RORY: Play. Always play.
CHRIS: Really? What's he doing?
RORY: Oh, he's going to jump off something and raft down somewhere, climb up a thing, swing around on a vine. Stuff like that.
CHRIS: Listen, I want you to know that I like him. I like him, and I like you, and I like you and him. Together.
RORY: Well, good.
CHRIS: I just want you to know that I approve.
RORY: Dad, it's not like we're getting married.
CHRIS: But if that changes, I just want you to know.
RORY: That you approve.
CHRIS: Yes.
RORY: Okay.
CHRIS: You know, it's been a while since I partied like this. I used to be much better at it.
RORY: Well, maybe Logan can give you some tips when he gets back.
[Brian gets up to give a toast. Cheering.]
BRIAN: Hi, I'm Brian Fuller, bass player for Hep Alien. [People are throwing stuff at him.] All right, I want to say a few words about Zach. I've known Zach for most of my life. I've been his roommate and friend and I just have to say I think Lane has something very, very wrong with her. [Laughter.]
RORY: Time for the toast. Excuse me a minute.
CHRIS: Absolutely.
[Rory gets up and Lorelai returns with a tray of shots.]
LORELAI: We're doing shots!
CHRIS: For twenty, apparently!
LORELAI: Pass the salt.
CHRIS: Uh, you know, I'm a respectable man, Lorelai. An upstanding citizen. I'm a father.
LORELAI: I know. This is how you became one.
CHRIS: Well, you got me there.
BRIAN: So in closing, Lane, if you ever want to see a picture of Zach trying to shove fourteen ping-pong balls in his mouth, I have it! To Lane and Zach! May they stay together forever! Otherwise Hep Alien is screwed.
EVERYONE: To Lane and Zach!
LORELAI [holds up her shot glass]: To Lane and Zach!
CHRIS: To Lane and Zach!
LANE: Great toast, Bri!
ZACH: Yes, excellent. Seriously, dude, I need those pictures back.
RORY: Hi, everyone! I'm Rory Gilmore, I'm the maid of honor.
LORELAI: To Rory!
CHRIS: To Rory!
RORY: I'm not one for speeches, and I don't have any incriminating picture of Lane to share, but I do have this letter. [Everyone hoots.] This letter was written in 1995 by one Lane Kim. It was slipped into my hand during a spelling test in Miss Mallen's class. I was so shocked by its contents that I missed the word 'automobile'. O-T-T-O-mobile. That's right, Lane. I remember. I will now share with you the contents of this letter. [She opens the envelope.] "Dear Rory. How was your lunch? Mine was bad. Did you have ham again? If you did, I am sorry, but mine was worse. I thought you should know that today at recess, I decided that I am going to marry Alex Bacchus. He has a very nice head and his ears don't stick out like Roddy Winston's do. I will love him forever, no matter what. See you at Brownies. Love, Lane." I'm sorry, Lane, I just thought that Zach should know that in your heart he will always be second place to Alex Bacchus and his well-proportioned ears.
LANE [to Zach]: It's true.
LORELAI [taking a shot, to Chris]: Come on! You're behind.
CHRIS: Oh, I'm going to sit this one out.
LORELAI [mocking]: Well, that's fun.
RORY: ...but the bottom line is, I love you, Lane. Congratulations. To the bride and groom!
LORELAI: To the bride and groom!
CHRIS: Bride and groom!
[Lorelai downs another shot and gets up.]
CHRIS: Where are you going?
LORELAI: I want to give a toast.
CHRIS: Um -)
RORY [hugs Lane]: Congratulations.
[Rory returns to her seat as Lorelai gets up on the stage and staggers to the microphone, hitting the cymbal on the drums by accident.]
LORELAI: Hello, everybody. Hello. [She taps the microphone.] Some of you know me as Lorelai Gilmore and some of you know me as Cher, but either way, I wanted to say a few words about our girl. I have known Lane forever, and I am just so incredibly happy that she has gotten married. I mean, I am just so happy that this adorable twenty-two year old girl has gotten married. Because, it's amazing, you know? It's really hard to get married. Believe me. I should know. [Rory and Chris glance at each other, worried.] I mean, seriously, because Lane is married, and next thing it'll be my daughter and then my granddaughter, but not me. I'm not getting married. No, it ain't for me, it's not in the cards. But. Hey, do you know what date I'm not getting married? June third. Do not save the date. Do you hear me? Do whatever you want on June third, because there's nothing at all happening on that day. If there's anything you need to book, or anything, it's totally safe to book it on June third, so. [Chris gets up.] Congratulations, Lane! [Lane and Zach stare at her.] And Zach! Who else here had eight shots of tequila? Anybody? Hands? No. [Chris taps Rory on the shoulder and they go up to the stage.] Oh my gosh, who misses the Yummy Bartenders? I know, me too! They were so great. I was going to ask them to not work on June third on my not wedding. I just thought that would be so fun. [Chris takes her by the arms.] Hi! Chris! Hi Rory! Hi.
RORY: How about some coffee?
LORELAI: What? Okay. [Into the microphone] Well, I guess we're going over here.
[Rory and Chris lead her off the stage. Lane and Zach look at each other.]
ZACH: Totally perfect wedding.
[Lane nods happily. They kiss..]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory and Chris enter, Chris carrying Lorelai, who has passed out.]
RORY: Get her over to the couch.
CHRIS: Man, I must say, when your mom does something, she commits!
RORY: Just prop her up. I'm going to make some coffee.
CHRIS: Uh, you know hon, if the two gallons we poured down her throat at the wedding didn't do anything, I'm not sure what two more cups will.
RORY: Hey, no one knows how to wrangle the full powers of the coffee bean like a Gilmore. Just prop her up. She hates to get pillow face.
CHRIS: Pillow face. Got it. [He props her up and pushes her hair out of her face. Rory's cell phone rings.]
RORY: Hello?
[Seconds later, Rory marches into the living room.]
RORY: Logan's hurt!
CHRIS: What? What do you mean? Is he all right?
RORY: I don't know! That was Colin, and the line was bad. Something happened on their trip, they're airlifting him to a hospital in New York!
CHRIS: Oh, boy.
RORY: Well, I've got to go, I want to be there when he arrives.
CHRIS: Yes, go, I can take care of your mom!
RORY: Leave her a note that I'll call her from the hospital.
CHRIS: I will. Go!
RORY: I'm going.
[She leaves.]
CHRIS: All right, Calamity Jane, let's get you to bed.
[He picks her up. She protests.]
LORELAI: No!
CHRIS: Yes.
LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Much later, Lorelai wakes up when the phone rings.]
LORELAI [sleepily]: Hello? Hi! What time is it? Yeah. I uh -
[She stops when she sees Chris in a chair on the other side of the room.]
LORELAI: Um, no, Luke, it's fine! I'm glad you called. Uh-huh. [Chris gets up and leaves. She waves sadly.] Well. Yep, the wedding was great. She looked beautiful.
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