WRITTEN BY KEITH EISNER
DIRECTED BY LEE SHALLOT CHEMEL
PREVIOUSLY ON GILMORE GIRLS
PARIS' APARTMENT
[Rory and Paris are sitting on the couch eating Chinese food, dressed the same as the last scene from the previous episode.]
PARIS: I say we repaint.
RORY: Did you ever paint?
PARIS: No. Doyle doesn't believe in improving someone else's property.
RORY: Men!
PARIS: Yeah. Men.
RORY: Well, we will repaint.
PARIS: A new color scheme for a new era.
RORY: I'll eat to that.
[They clink their chopsticks together.]
PARIS: This is going to be great. You and me in a freshly painted apartment. No men, just lots and lots of Chinese food.
RORY: We are going to get huge.
PARIS: It's okay. We'll get a treadmill.
RORY: Yeah, you always wanted a treadmill.
PARIS: I did. Doyle thought, why get a treadmill when you can walk outside?
RORY: With all the murderers and rapists.
PARIS: Exactly what I would say. I'm glad you're back.
RORY: Me, too. [She smiles.] You know, Paris, I'm really sorry about the whole editorship thing.
PARIS: It's okay.
RORY: I didn't lobby for the job. I mean, I swear, I had no idea.
PARIS: Forget it. I mean, who are we kidding. I am not cut out to deal with people. I was made to be in a lab or an operating room or a bunker somewhere with a well-behaved monkey by my side. [Rory smiles.] I'm sorry too. You know, for throwing you out?
RORY: Consider it even.
[Someone knocks on the door. They both look up.]
PARIS: Did we actually order that pizza?
RORY: I thought it was just discussed.
PARIS [calls out]: Who is it?
LOGAN [outside the door]: It's Logan.
RORY: I don't want to talk to him!
PARIS: I got it. [She gets up and answers the door, leaving the chain on.] Well, if it isn't New Haven's favorite whorehound!
LOGAN: Is Rory here?
PARIS: Yes.
LOGAN: Can I talk to her?
PARIS: No. You can talk to me. [She takes off the chain and opens the door wide.] What do you want to talk about? Life? Love? Common symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases?
LOGAN: Rory -
PARIS: Rashes, sores, insanity -
LOGAN: Five minutes, please!
PARIS: You know, there's a few things I've always wanted to say to you, but out of respect for my friend Rory here, I've refrained. However, the circumstances seem to have changed!
LOGAN: You don't know what you're talking about, Paris.
PARIS: I know you cheated on Rory!
LOGAN: I did not cheat on Rory.
PARIS: Are you going to deny it? Are you serious?
LOGAN: We were apart!
PARIS: Oh, please!
LOGAN: We were! We weren't together, and why the hell am I arguing with you? I don't want you back!
PARIS: You, Logan Huntzberger, are nothing but a two-bit, spoiled, waste of a trust fund. You offer nothing to women or the world in general. If you were to disappear from the face of the earth tomorrow, the only person that would miss you is your Porsche dealer!
LOGAN [to Rory]: You want to chime in here?
RORY: No, I think Paris has got it covered.
LOGAN: Okay, that's it. [He pushes past Paris.]
PARIS: Hey!
LOGAN: Rory, I just need sixty seconds.
RORY: Go away, Logan.
PARIS: No one invited you in! Get out right now before I go Bonaduce on your ass!
LOGAN: I'm not going away, I'm not going anywhere. We're going to talk.
DOYLE [bursts in, still wearing Rory's coat]: What the hell is this door doing unlocked?
PARIS: What are you doing here?
DOYLE [slams the door]: I want to talk to you.
PARIS: I told you to go.
DOYLE: You did, and I did! [Rory and Logan stand there uncomfortably.] I left and I went out and I got drunk and I thought about why I left and got drunk, and I realized that you are wrong!
PARIS: I'm not! And what are you wearing?
DOYLE: Don't change the subject!
LOGAN: Can we go in the other room?
DOYLE: We're supposed to be together, Paris. You know it, I know it, your life coach knows it!
PARIS: Terrence has been wrong before! When I wanted to get the pageboy haircut, remember?
DOYLE: Paris, listen to me! I'm the best thing that ever happened to you!
PARIS: Well, if that's true, then it's all uphill from here!
DOYLE: You know, I didn't have to come back here, begging you to talk to me! I have options!
PARIS: Right.
DOYLE: I do! In fact, I almost hooked up with a really hot chick tonight.
RORY: I don't see how that's going to help your case, Doyle! At all. [To Logan] You know what, fine. Let's take this out into the hall.
PARIS: You could have hooked up with a hot chick?
DOYLE: Yes.
PARIS: In rhinestone buttons? Who was it, Sheila E?
HALLWAY
[Rory shuts the door.]
RORY: Two minutes. Go.
LOGAN: Look, I understand that you're upset, and I really wish you hadn't found out like that, but Rory, I love you. You know that I love you. When I said that I was your boyfriend, I agreed to be faithful to you, which, by the way, was a first for me and I thought that it was going to be hard. But it wasn't. Then I asked you to move in with me. I asked you to move in with me, and I thought that was going to be hard, but it wasn't. I have been completely faithful to you, Rory. I have not been with another girl. I have not looked at another girl! I haven't thought about another girl!
RORY: Except Walker, Alexandra -
LOGAN: We were broken up, Rory.
RORY: No! You were broken up!
LOGAN: I thought we were broken up. I thought that's what the fight was. I thought that's what the separation was. Do you believe me? Do you believe that I honestly thought we weren't together?
RORY: I guess.
LOGAN: So then if you believe that, that I thought we weren't together, then do you believe that in my mind I was not cheating on you?
RORY [resigned]: I guess.
LOGAN: So then if you believe that, in my mind, I was not cheating on you, do you think you can forget what those vipers said today? Put it behind you and just come home with me? Come on, Rory. Just come home with me. Let's forget this crappy day ever happened and go home! [Rory hesitates.] You want to make a pro/con list?
RORY: Do not mock my pro/con list!
LOGAN: I am not mocking your pro/con list. I actually think the list will come out in my favor!
RORY [sighs]: Well, I'd have to tell Paris that I'm going.
LOGAN [relieved]: Absolutely. Tell Paris you're going.
[Rory turns around and opens the door, then hurries to close it again.]
RORY: Whoa! Oops.
LOGAN: What?
RORY: They made up. Either that or Krav Maga is way kinkier than I thought it was.
LOGAN: You can tell her tomorrow. After all, it is tomorrow.
RORY: Yeah. Yeah, I can just call her from home.
[She walks past Logan toward the stairs.]
LOGAN: Are we okay?
RORY [nods hesitantly]: Yeah.
[Logan puts his arm around her shoulder and they start down the stairs.]
OPENING CREDITS
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke is on the phone. Lorelai comes out of the bathroom in a robe.]
LUKE: Yeah, sure, we'll see.
LORELAI: Hey!
LUKE: Okay. Call you later. [He hangs up.]
LORELAI: Did you not hear me screaming?
LUKE: You were screaming?
LORELAI: Yes. Like Janet Leigh in Psycho.
LUKE: I was on the phone. Why were you screaming?
LORELAI: There's a spider in the shower. I trapped him under a soap dish. I need you to go in and get him and take him outside.
LUKE [grabs a piece of paper]: Right.
LORELAI: Scoop him up gently, you do not want to break one of his little legs. Spiders are all about their legs. I was shampooing, everything was fine, I looked up and there he was!
LUKE [rushes out of the bathroom]: Holy mackerel!
LORELAI: Yeah! He's a big boy! Don't hurt him.
LUKE [grabs a bigger piece of paper and heads back in]: I won't.
LORELAI: I was talking to the spider.
[There is a crashing noise in the bathroom.]
LORELAI: What happened, are you okay?
LUKE [slightly panicked, OS]: Yeah, he's - there's - he's got a posse!
LORELAI: You're kidding!
LUKE: Uh, I am not kidding.
LORELAI: What are you going to do?
LUKE: Well, there isn't a soap dish in town big enough for these guys. [He takes a pot from the kitchen.]
LORELAI: But be careful!
LUKE: I've just got to trap them, then move them out of the shower and sell the building. [Lorelai snickers.] So that was April on the phone.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: April called. It seems her math team made it into some national contest.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, good for her.
LUKE: Yeah, it's pretty big. They're all going to Philadelphia next week. A bunch of parents are supposed to chaperone. Anna was supposed to go, but now she can't, so April called me.
LORELAI: Oh!
LUKE: Yeah, it's weird, you know? 'Cause usually it's me calling her to do things. This is the first time that she's called me.
LORELAI: Well, good, that's progress, right?
LUKE: I think so. But, you know I can't just take a week off from the diner. Plus you and I probably have all sorts of plans next week, right?
LORELAI: Not that I know of. Oh, wait, was next week the week we were going to start our lives as outlaws?
LUKE [comes out of the bathroom with the lid on the pot]: Well, I just assumed we had stuff to do next week.
LORELAI: No.
LUKE: Oh.
LORELAI: You should go.
LUKE: You think?
LORELAI: Yeah, she asked you. She called you. And I know that traveling across country in a bus full of Little Man Tates has been a lifelong dream of yours.
LUKE: Well, okay, I think I will go.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: Yeah, you know, I looked up the route last night, sounds like a great trip. They'll be visiting Constitution Hall, stopping in Gettysburg. Do you know I have never seen the Liberty Bell?
LORELAI: Communist.
LUKE: Okay, I'm going to take these guys outside. Any particular place you want them?
LORELAI: Yeah, someplace shady, sheltered from the elements, and ideally near a talking pig.
LUKE [after a pause]: I asked. I have no one to blame but myself.
ZACH'S APARTMENT
[Lane and Zach are helping Brian move back in. Brian and Zach are playing video games, trying to get the TV placement right.]
ZACH: There's still a glare, right?
BRIAN: Huge glare. I can't make out all the details of Castle Siege.
ZACH: And those trolls, you've got to squint to see them.
LANE: The TV's fine, guys, it's in exactly the same place it used to be.
ZACH: Dude, wait till you hear how I soundproofed Lane's old room. Pier 1 cushions, wall to wall. Perfect acoustics.
LANE: Band practice officially starts back up tomorrow.
ZACH: Dude, you want this bottom drawer, too?
BRIAN: Sure, sock drawer.
ZACH: Nothing is gayer than a sock drawer.
BRIAN: Really? There's got to be something gayer than a sock drawer.
LANE: Okay, before you guys get too deeply entrenched in the "what's gayer than a sock drawer" conversation, I'm going to say goodbye. [She kisses Zach.] Goodbye.
ZACH: Goodbye.
LANE [steps over Brian]: Bye, Brian.
BRIAN: Bye, Lane. Thanks for the help!
ZACH [to Lane]: Hey, make sure you behave yourself out there. You're almost a married woman.
BRIAN: Hey, what happens when you guys get married?
ZACH: Well, uh, we finally get to have sex.
LANE [embarrassed]: Zach.
BRIAN: No, I mean, I just moved in here, but when you guys get married, do I move out again?
[Zach glances at Lane.]
LANE: We haven't really discussed that yet.
ZACH: Yeah. Well, we could move the band equipment back out here, me and Lane will take the room, and you can have the bunk beds all to yourself.
BRIAN: Cool!
LANE: Uh, Zach?
ZACH: Yeah.
LANE: Don't you think we should get our own apartment when we get married?
ZACH: This is a great apartment!
LANE: I know this is a great apartment.
ZACH: I thought you liked Brian.
LANE: I do like Brian. I just think maybe we'd want our own place.
ZACH: Our own place! Okay. Wow. I tell you, this marriage thing? Major. Every day, something huge to think about.
LANE: Speaking of huge, you need to talk to my mom.
BRIAN: You haven't told Mrs. Kim yet?
ZACH: Don't worry, I'm heading over there today.
LANE: You are? Are you ready? You have a clean shirt, and you sewed up your pants?
ZACH: Everything's under control. Hunter, and gatherer, and all that crap. Go to work.
LANE: Okay. Call me the minute you talk to her. [She crosses the room and kisses him again, then leaves.]
BRIAN: You got yourself a good woman, there.
ZACH: Yep. I do. [He grabs some stuff out of a box and throws it in the drawer.] You are officially moved back in.
BRIAN: Cool. [They look at the TV.] Hey, wasn't the TV facing the other way?
ZACH: Yes! That's it! It's good to have you home, man. It's good to have you home.
[They go over and move the TV to a slightly different angle. They step back and nod.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Hey, when you come over later tonight, I have a cricket cornered under a paper cup in the living room. I poked holes in the top so it could breathe, and then I taped it to the floor 'cause he kept jumping out, then I put books on top of the tape in case it wasn't sticky enough. So don't move the books until you're ready for transport. What are you doing?
LUKE: I've sewing my duffel bag.
LORELAI: That's crazy.
LUKE: That's crazy?
LORELAI: Yeah. That thing is like a hundred years old. Just throw it away.
LUKE: The bag is fine.
LORELAI: That is not a bag, that is a collection of molecules tethered together by dirt.
LUKE: I'll get you your coffee in a minute.
LORELAI: Luke, come on, you're going on a major trip next week! Spring for some real luggage.
LUKE: I don't need any luggage.
LORELAI: I'll go shopping with you. We could hit the mall later!
LUKE: I don't want to go shopping, I don't want to hit the mall. I will fix this bag and it will be fine.
LORELAI: I'll go shopping alone. I could pick something out for you.
LUKE: I appreciate the offer, but I'm fine. Aie. [He pokes himself with the needle.]
LANE [walking by]: Oh, that's the third time he's stabbed himself this morning.
LORELAI: Maybe we should put him on suicide watch.
LANE: Couldn't hurt.
LUKE: Yeah, hey, there's customers to talk to if you're lonely. Oh! [As he pokes himself again.]
LORELAI: I can't believe you think shopping is more painful than this!
LANE: I'll be right back! [She returns the plate she's carrying to the counter and runs outside.] Rory! I can't believe you're here! [She hugs her excitedly.]
RORY: Oh, I just thought I'd - oh, wow, these small towns are mighty friendly, aren't they?
LANE: I have some really, really big news.
RORY: What? [Lane shows her the ring.] You've become a Shriner.
BACK INSIDE
LORELAI: Bleeding stop yet?
LUKE: It's fine.
LORELAI: Are you sure you don't want me to call an ambulance or a Tumi store? [Luke glares. She glances out the window as Lane and Rory start squealing outside.] Rory's here!
LUKE: She is?
LORELAI: Yeah! She's outside, bouncing around with Lane.
LUKE: How come she came home?
LORELAI: I don't know, bouncing lessons?
[Rory and Lane burst in.]
RORY: Did you hear?
LORELAI: Did I hear what?
RORY: Show her, show her, show her!
[Lane holds out her hand to Lorelai.]
LORELAI: You won the Super Bowl?
LANE: I'm engaged.
LORELAI: No!
RORY: Yes!
LORELAI: Let me see the ring again!
LANE: It's all Zach could afford right now, but I actually think it's kind of rock and roll.
LORELAI: It's the rocking and the rolling-est. I'm so excited for you, Lane! That's awesome!
LANE: Thanks! I would have told you earlier but I thought you knew.
LORELAI: How would I know?
LANE: Well, Luke was standing right there when it happened.
LORELAI: You knew?
LUKE: Uh, yeah.
LORELAI: Luke, did you forget to tell me?
LUKE: No. I just thought that Lane would want to tell you herself.
LORELAI: You forgot to tell me.
LUKE: Fine, sure. I forgot to tell you. So what? I remember being engaged to you. Isn't that enough?
CUSTOMER [in the corner]: Can I get some more coffee?
LANE: I'll be right back.
RORY [sits down at the counter]: Oh, I am so hungry. Do you think Luke would be willing to make us s'mores today?
LORELAI: Hey, for you, anything. So, nice surprise!
RORY: What, Lane?
LORELAI: No, you! Showing up. I didn't expect it, you being such a modern busy woman and all.
RORY: Well, I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan.
LORELAI: So, any special occasion I should know about?
RORY: No, I just thought I could use a good Stars Hollow fix for a couple days. How crazy are things at the inn?
LORELAI: Absolutely insane. But for you I think I could play a little hooky.
RORY: What a role model.
LORELAI: Well, I try. So? What's new? Are you okay?
RORY: Yeah! Why?
LORELAI: Well, Logan, the moving out.
RORY: Oh, right. About that. Remember the new address?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: Cross that out. I'm back at the old one.
LORELAI: What? Back at Logan's?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: How did this happen?
RORY: He came over to Paris' last night and we talked, he explained
everything.
LORELAI: So there's an explanation?
RORY: Yeah. And we're fine now.
LORELAI: You're fine. But what about the bridesmaids?
RORY: Misunderstanding. Everything's good.
LUKE [drops off some plates]: Here. Start on these, I'm making you some s'mores.
RORY: He's the most beautiful man in the world.
LORELAI: Yeah. You should see him carry a spider outside.
[They smile.]
DRAGONFLY INN - LOBBY
[Rory is working her laptop at a table, talking on her cell phone. Michel is looking on, not impressed.]
RORY: A.K., it's a lacrosse piece. It's fine. Well, I'm sorry I can't give you more feedback, but until five minutes ago, I didn't even know Yale had a lacrosse team. [She walks behind the desk.] So when I criticize a piece, you think I hate it. When I don't criticize a piece, you think I hate it. Do you want me to hate you, A.K.? Because that's becoming a possibility. Wonderful. In that case, I will continue to be a fan of you and your work. Good bye. [She hangs up.]
MICHEL: You're quite the busy bee.
RORY: Oh. Yeah, well, writers can be temperamental.
MICHEL: I'm sure. You like neon?
RORY: Sorry?
MICHEL: I see you are making liberal use of my pink neon Post-It notes.
RORY: I'm sorry, Michel. Would you like me to reimburse you for the seven pink neon Post-It notes that I have used? Because I'd be happy to, if you can break a penny.
MICHEL: No, little Lorelai, it's not the cost that is the problem. It's the disruption.
RORY: Disruption.
MICHEL: Of the system!
RORY: I see.
MICHEL [snaps]: Do you? [He opens the desk drawer.] The pink neon Post-It notes are used for guests who are checking in. The green neon Post-It notes are for guests checking out, and the watermelon Post-It notes are for guests who have altered or canceled their reservations. As you can see, the pink neon stack is now woefully out of balance with the green neon stack, creating the illusion that more guests have been checking in than checking out, which of course is a physical impossibility, unless we have begun murdering them!
[Rory stares at him. He stares back. Lorelai comes around the corner and stops.]
LORELAI: Are you guys having a staring contest? 'Cause I think, for it to be official, you have to be seated.
MICHEL: I was just filling your daughter in on the inner workings of the Dragonfly.
LORELAI: Oh, what did she do?
RORY: I took some Post-Its.
LORELAI [gasps]: But the system!
RORY: It will never happen again.
LORELAI: Michel, you have my deep and sincere apologies. She was raised better than that. [Lorelai takes her hand and slaps it.]
RORY: Oh, well actually, I did it with the other hand. [She holds it out for Lorelai to slap.]
MICHEL: I'm going on my break.
[He leaves.]
RORY: He seems good.
LORELAI: Yeah, it's the yoga. So are you ready for the movie? [Her cell phone rings.]
RORY: Oh, yeah. Let me just get my stuff.
LORELAI [answering the phone]: Hello.
[Scene cuts from the Dragonfly inn to Richard and Emily's car.]
EMILY [loudly]: Lorelai, it's your mother! I'm calling you from the car!
LORELAI: Yeah, well, you're not calling to me from a car, so stop yelling.
EMILY: But you're on speakerphone!
LORELAI: I stand by my earlier position.
EMILY: Fine. How far is it from Preston to New London? [A female voice says something in German.]
LORELAI: What's going on? Where are you?
EMILY: In Preston, apparently, thought we're supposed to be at an estate sale in New London.
[The German voice pipes in again.]
RICHARD [grumbles]: Bag of bolts.
EMILY: And this GPS contraption your father insisted on buying is speaking German.
LORELAI: Well, New London's right near Stars Hollow, and Preston's... not.
EMILY [shrieks]: I knew it!
LORELAI: Still yelling.
EMILY: Richard, what are you doing? Why are you stopping?
RICHARD: Because, this contraption, as you call it, can only be used when the car is stopped.
EMILY: So every time we want to ask the machine for directions, we have to pull over to the side of the road?
RICHARD: It would appear so.
EMILY: I thought the whole point of installing the machine was to avoid pulling over to the side of the road to ask directions.
LORELAI [to Rory]: If I told people, they wouldn't believe it.
RORY: What's going on?
LORELAI: They're - apparently there's a fight to the death between Richard and Emily and an evil German supercomputer.
RORY: Ooh, I want to hear.
LORELAI: Oh. [She turns on the speakerphone so Rory can hear.]
EMILY: I thought we paid four thousand dollars for a computer to give us directions! Not to baby-sit us and make decisions for us about how to live our lives. I mean, what's next? The radio won't turn on if it doesn't like the song? The engine won't start if the cup of coffee I'm holding is too hot? Maybe the car won't go in reverse if it doesn't like the smell of my perfume!
RICHARD: A moment, Emily! I would be happy if I could just get the damn thing to stop barking at me in German!
LORELAI: Hi! Hi, remember me? Yeah, you called me like forty-five minutes ago?
EMILY: Yes, Lorelai. I'm still here.
LORELAI: Right. In Preston, about twenty miles off course.
EMILY: Twenty miles! I told you, Richard!
RICHARD: What you said, Emily, was to turn south when I wanted to turn north!
LORELAI: Next time you guys should call before you head out. You could have stopped by. [She laughs silently.]
GPS MACHINE: At the next light, turn right.
RICHARD: Ha! There we are. English at last.
EMILY: Well, we still could. We were only planning on staying at the estate sale for a little while.
LORELAI: What? No, no. You guys have already gone way past Stars Hollow.
EMILY: It's no problem! We don't mind going a little out of our way, do we, Richard?
RICHARD: Huh? No, certainly not.
EMILY: When should she expect us?
RICHARD: Oh, about four thirty.
LORELAI [panicking]: Wait. Wait. I don't want you guys to have to make a special trip, that really, really wouldn't make any sense! Crazy, that's like asylum crazy! Besides, Rory and I were just about to head out for a movie!
EMILY [pleased]: Rory's there?
LORELAI: Damn!
EMILY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Damn - straight.
EMILY: Wonderful! We'll see you both around four thirty.
LORELAI [hangs up]: Damn it.
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Mrs. Kim is dusting. Zach enters, wearing a suit and carrying some papers. He wanders around the store a bit, pretending to shop.]
MRS. KIM: What are you doing here?
ZACH: Oh, uh, I –
MRS. KIM: Lane is not here right now, and anyway, there are laws against stalking. You could go to jail.
ZACH: No, I’m not stalking. I’m just looking for a, uh – [He glances down and grabs the first thing he sees] – doorknob.
MRS. KIM: Seventy-five dollars.
ZACH: Wow. Could you throw in a door?
MRS. KIM: Cash or credit?
ZACH: Actually, could I talk to you first?
MRS. KIM: About what?
ZACH: I want to marry Lane.
MRS. KIM [looks him over]: I see. [She walks away.]
ZACH [follows her]: I know Lane’s your only daughter, and I know how important she is to you, but I really love her. I mean, really love her. She’s smart and hot – [Mrs. Kim’s head snaps up] – well, not hot. I don’t mean hot, like, in a slutty way. She’s beautiful and cool and an awesome drummer. Now, I know you may have questions and I totally get that, so I brought some stuff to answer them. First thing. [He hands her one of the pieces of paper.] I’m a good worker. That’s a letter of recommendation from my manager at Quest Copying. Notice the part where he wrote, “Zach’s a good worker.” Now, I didn’t tell him to say that, and he doesn’t even really dig me that much personally, so you know he means it. I’m also in line for a promotion. Assistant manager, which comes with medical benefits, so I can buy cheap medicine and get my teeth cleaned. And stuff. [He takes a deep breath and hands her another piece of paper.] That’s my latest bank statement. It’s not a lot, I know, but it grows a little every month. Well, except for maybe this month. The doorknob’s going to set me back a bit.
MRS. KIM: I thought you were a musician.
ZACH [slightly ashamed]: Well, yeah. I am.
MRS. KIM: And that is your true calling?
ZACH: Yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m into drugs or looking to do the whole Baby Shambles thing. I just like to play.
MRS. KIM: You have a demo?
ZACH: Sure, but I swear, the music never interferes with my day job. You can call my manager.
MRS. KIM: Bring it to me.
ZACH: What?
MRS. KIM [impatient]: I need to know whether you can provide for Lane!
ZACH: But – I can. I showed you, I can.
MRS. KIM: As a musician! This is what you want to do with your life, yes?
ZACH: Yeah!
MRS. KIM: Then you will bring me your demo!
ZACH: But what are you going to do? Review it? Because rock, it’s very subjective.
MRS. KIM: I will evaluate it.
ZACH: Evaluate it.
MRS. KIM: And you haven’t mentioned anything about marriage to Lane yet, right?
ZACH [pauses]: Oh. No. I came to you first.
MRS. KIM: Good. Don’t tell her. No need to get her hopes up in case this doesn’t work out.
ZACH [panicked]: You don’t think it’s going to work out?
MRS. KIM: We take one step at a time. [Zach takes a deep breath.] You still want the doorknob?
ZACH: Not really.
[She takes it and puts it away. Zach walks out looking drained.]
LORELAI’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai is walking around with a trash can.]
RORY: Are you sure this whole thing isn’t just an elaborate scheme to get me to help you clean your house?
LORELAI: Just throw away or hide anything that might be incriminating.
RORY: Incriminating?
LORELAI: Yes! Anything that can, could or might lead to a conversation about anything!
RORY [holds up a magazine]: How about this?
LORELAI: Are you kidding me? Freckled, half-naked Lindsay Lohan on the cover of Vanity Fair? Uh, skin cancer, drug abuse, anorexia, bra shopping. Just dump it!
RORY: You’re hiding your flowers?
LORELAI: Yes. Because when people see flowers they feel happy and welcome. It’s important that my parents have as few positive associations about being here as possible.
RORY: Well, we could hit them over the head with mallets when they walk in the door.
LORELAI: No. But I do have this incredibly bad smelling perfume that Luke gave me for Christmas last year that I could spray around the house! It’s like a cross between Love’s Baby Soft and Curious by Britney Spears with just a hint of Lysol thrown in.
RORY: Delightful.
LORELAI: Well, God bless him, he tries.
[The doorbell rings. Lorelai spins around and runs to the door. It’s Sookie, carrying trays of food.]
SOOKIE: Food!
LORELAI: No, I’m Lorelai.
SOOKIE: Heavy!
LORELAI: That’s just mean.
SOOKIE: Falling!
LORELAI: Right. [She takes a bowl off the top.] Follow me.
LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN
[Lorelai takes serving dishes from the cupboards as Sookie peels back the tinfoil on the food.]
LORELAI: You are a lifesaver, Sookie!
SOOKIE: I try. Okay, we’ve got mac and cheese. We’ve got taquitos. We’ve got little bitty hot dogs.
LORELAI: Wait, Sookie, what is all this stuff?
SOOKIE: What? I made your favorites!
LORELAI: But my parents aren’t going to eat any of this.
SOOKIE: Your parents? I thought this was for you!
LORELAI: You thought I wanted to sit by myself and eat an entire buffet of the world’s most fattening foods?
SOOKIE: I don’t know. I figured it was just one of your cravings, or maybe just a fun way to announce that you’re pregnant?
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Well, you were saying something about being a sudden parent or expecting or due soon – it’s impossible to hear anything over that damn Cuisinart and all of those gossiping bus boys! You’re not pregnant.
LORELAI: No, I’m expecting my parents over any minute.
SOOKIE: Oh. Yeah, that makes sense too.
LORELAI: It’s okay. We’ll make do. [Sookie keeps looking at her wistfully.] I’m not pregnant!
SOOKIE: Okay! Okay.
LORELAI: Now, the food –
SOOKIE: Right. Okay. The mini hot dogs can be bratwurst, the mac and cheese can be pasta à la Sookie, and presto, the taquitos are bellinis.
LORELAI: And the chili fries?
SOOKIE: Are chili fries.
LORELAI: Right.
RORY [entering]: Hey, Sookie!
SOOKIE: Hi, Rory! Bellini?
RORY: Yes, please! So, I cleared out all the magazines, newspapers and most of the books, and I hid away all of the throw pillows and blankets and I lowered the heat to fifty-five to insure minimal post-meal lingering.
LORELAI [proudly]: Yale-educated.
RORY: I’ll go do one final walk-through.
SOOKIE [gestures at the chili fries]: Last chance before I stash them.
LORELAI [grabs a handful, to Sookie’s suspicious glance]: I’m not!
SOOKIE: Okay, okay!
RORY [pokes her head back in]: Grandma and Grandpa’s Jag is here!
LORELAI: What? I didn’t even hear them drive up! Did you hear them drive up?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Well, where the hell are they?
RORY: I don’t know!
SOOKIE [gasps dramatically]: Maybe they’ve been taken.
LORELAI: Mm. Don’t tease me.
SOOKIE: Go. I’ll finish setting up.
[Lorelai rushes out as Sookie transfers the food into the serving dishes.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE
[Rory and Lorelai hurry toward the Jag.]
RORY: The engine's cold.
LORELAI: Maybe they have been taken! [She glances up at the sky as they turn back to the house.]
EMILY [walks around the side of the house]: Hello, Lorelai! Rory.
RORY: Hi, Grandma!
LORELAI: When did you get here?
EMILY: Oh, just a few minutes ago. You didn't tell me you were painting.
LORELAI: I know, it's part of the remodel.
EMILY: Is that the final color?
LORELAI: Yep.
EMILY: Mm. Must be so nice not having to worry about a homeowner's association.
RICHARD [emerges from the garage]: There's a boat here!
LORELAI: Dad.
RICHARD: Lorelai. Rory.
RORY: Hi, Grandpa.
RICHARD: When did you get a boat, Lorelai?
EMILY: Oh, Richard. I've seen that boat. It's Luke's.
RICHARD: Well, it doesn't look very seaworthy.
LORELAI: It's a work in progress, it was his father's.
RICHARD: Ah.
EMILY: Luke keeps his dead father's boat locked away in your garage?
LORELAI: Mother.
EMILY: What? I'm just saying. Isn't that kind of morbid?
LORELAI: It's not like he's using it to hold his bones.
RORY: You guys must be hungry. Let's head inside.
[She enters the house first, followed by Richard and Emily, and finally Lorelai.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
[They enter.]
EMILY: Well, well! I had no idea you'd had so much work done!
LORELAI: Oh, it's nothing extensive. A nip here, a tuck there.
EMILY: This room's been completely redone!
LORELAI: Nip, nip, nip, tuck, tuck, tuck.
EMILY: Apparently you haven't installed the heat yet.
[Paul Anka enters and jumps up on a chair to retrieve a treat from a box.]
EMILY: What's this?
RORY: That's Paul Anka.
EMILY: You have a dog.
LORELAI: I - I just got him.
EMILY: When?
LORELAI: Yesterday. [He lies down at her feet.] Oh! Fast learner, that one.
EMILY: You should open an obedience school. You'd make a fortune.
[Sookie enters from the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Oh! Mom, Dad, you remember Sookie.
EMILY: Of course. Hello, Sookie.
RICHARD: Will you be joining us for dinner?
SOOKIE: Oh, no, I'm just helping out.
EMILY: The wainscoting here is substandard. If you'd called me, I could have recommended a real professional.
LORELAI: Well, since mine was a fake professional, I got to pay him in Monopoly money.
EMILY: Is that veneer? Tell me that's not veneer!
LORELAI: So, Sookie, tapas in the kitchen?
SOOKIE: Right this way!
EMILY: You're still eating in the kitchen?
LORELAI: Yes. We always eat in the kitchen. That's where the food is.
[They move into the kitchen.]
RORY: Grandpa, could I offer you something to drink?
RICHARD: I suppose it's not too early for a Scotch.
RORY [turns around]: And what about you, Grandma? Grandma?
EMILY [from upstairs]: Up here! Richard, come have a look!
RICHARD: Where are you?
EMILY: In the bedroom!
LORELAI: Three minutes gone and they're already in my bedroom.
RORY: Impressive, by the way, with all the throw pillows, blankets, magazines and books.
LORELAI: Piled up on the bed?
RORY: Bathtub.
LORELAI: Ugh. That's going to take some explaining.
RORY: Mm-hm.
[They go upstairs.]
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Zach, still in his suit, rushes in. Mrs. Kim is listening to his demo tape and writing notes.]
ZACH: Hey, Mrs. Kim. [She holds up a finger and pauses the tape.] Still on the first song, huh?
MRS. KIM: No. I've listened to whole thing many times.
ZACH: Yeah? And?
MRS. KIM: Nothing catchy.
ZACH: Nothing. Out of all those songs.
MRS. KIM: There are good bits here and there, and Lane can really pound the skins, but you need a hit.
ZACH: But tons of great bands don't have hits.
MRS. KIM: I don't care about other bands. I care about your band, Lane's band. Don't you care about your band?
ZACH: I care a butt load!
MRS. KIM: Then write a hit.
ZACH: Okay! Not a problem! I mean, McCartney hasn't written a hit in twenty years, but I'll just sit down and crank one out.
MRS. KIM: You will if you want to marry Lane.
ZACH: That's just not how it works!
MRS. KIM: I'll tell you how it works. You write a hit, you get a record contract. You write a hit, you get representation. You write a hit, you become husband! Can you write a hit?
ZACH: I don't know. Maybe. I can try.
MRS. KIM: Don't try. Do. Three and a half minutes tops, and radio friendly. [She hands him back his demo tape. He leaves.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN
[The Gilmores are sitting around the table having dinner.]
RICHARD: This pasta à la Sookie is very good, Lorelai.
LORELAI: It's a big hit around the inn.
RICHARD: There's something very familiar about it. I can't quite place it.
EMILY: It's similar to the pasta à la fromage at De L’Étoile's.
LORELAI: Ah, yes. De L’Étoile sounds like my kind of guy.
[Rory's cell phone rings.]
EMILY: What's that noise that keeps happening?
RORY [apologetically]: That's my cell phone, Grandma. I'll turn it off.
LORELAI: Or you can just, uh, take it in the other room, if you want.
RORY: Nope. It's off. Pass the bellinis.
EMILY: So, Lorelai. A new dog, a new bedroom, a new bathroom. It's like a whole new house.
LORELAI: Except that it's the same house.
EMILY: It doesn't look the same. It's lucky we had your address. We would have driven right by.
LORELAI: Well, I was waiting until it was all done to show you!
EMILY: All done? There's more that you're doing?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah! The mailbox is crooked, and I was going to plant a bush in the yard.
EMILY: Forgive me. I had no idea such a stunning makeover was ahead of me. I feel terribly involved.
[Someone knocks on the door. Lorelai gets up.]
LORELAI: Mom, come on! You were going to be invited over! I just wanted to make sure everything was done and ready, and that I could have you over when I could have the maximum amount of time showing you around - [She opens the door to Luke and whispers.] My parents are here. [He does an about-face and leaves again. Lorelai doesn't miss a beat as she walks back to the kitchen.] I was hoping to have a nice little catered affair with guys in black coats carrying trays because I know how much you love guys in black coats carrying trays!
EMILY: Who was at the door?
LORELAI: Oh, it was Ed McMahon. He's always showing up with these big cardboard checks. They are impossible to endorse, by the way.
EMILY: I am never not sorry that I ask these questions. So I'm guessing all this means that you and Luke will be staying?
LORELAI [confused]: Staying?
EMILY: In Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: Mom, I've lived in Stars Hollow for twenty-one years.
RICHARD: You know, you can live somewhere your entire life and never truly feel at home, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well, I do. I feel at home here. Mostly because it is my home, and has been for twenty-one years.
RICHARD: Yes, well.
EMILY: This house does have a certain charm. It feels very homey. I can see you and Luke here.
LORELAI [after a moment]: Wow. Thank you, Mom.
RORY: How about I make some coffee?
RICHARD: Uh, thank you, Rory, but we'll have to take a rain check. Look at the time, Emily.
EMILY: Oh, goodness! I had no idea it was so late!
LORELAI: Yes! Who knew that three hours and fourteen minutes could go by so fast! [Rory gives her a look.] Well, I certainly didn't.
LORELAI'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR
[Rory and Lorelai wave to Richard and Emily as they leave.]
RORY: Drive safe!
LORELAI: Bye, bye, now!
[She slams the door.]
RORY: Your parents are exhausting.
LORELAI: Not as exhausting as your grandparents.
[They collapse on the couch, sighing.]
RORY: That was Luke at the door, wasn't it?
LORELAI: Yeah. Okay, second wind. Now, the early bird dinner made immediate eating unnecessary, so I say we go straight to the movie and pick up a pizza on the way home.
RORY: Perfect!
LORELAI: Or, perhaps, we could get pizza on the way there and sneak it in just in case.
RORY [holds up the paper with an ad circled]: Are you in the market for some luggage?
LORELAI: What? Oh, that's for Luke. He's going on a trip and his stupid duffel bag is in shreds.
RORY: What trip?
LORELAI: He is going to chaperone April's field trip to Philadelphia.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah. He's really excited about it. But that excitement might end when he gets there and discovers that his underwear fell out somewhere around Amish country. The Amish, however, will be psyched. All right, what do we want? A comedy, a tragedy, or a tragedy that makes us laugh?
RORY: Have you met her yet?
LORELAI: Met who?
RORY: April.
LORELAI: Mm. Not officially.
RORY: What about her mom? What do you know about her?
LORELAI: Not much. Apparently she's incredibly beautiful, she grew up here, she owns a store in Woodbridge, and Miss Patty thinks she was Mata Hari in a former life.
RORY: What kind of store?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: Hm. Hey, I have an idea. A really good idea.
LORELAI [cautiously]: Oh, you have evil face.
RORY: No. We should go to Woodbridge and go to her store!
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Yeah! She won't know who we are. We can just go in there and see what she looks like.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Why not?
LORELAI: Because I'm not spying on Luke's old girlfriend!
RORY: You mean the mother of your fiancé's daughter.
LORELAI: Whatever. It's weird and creepy.
RORY: You're telling me you're not curious at all about the other woman?
LORELAI: She's not the other woman, she's another woman.
RORY: Come on. Where's your adventure spirit?
LORELAI: Hey, this is Luke's thing. Okay? He wants me to keep out of it for now, so I'm staying out of it for now. Come on, troublemaker. Put that evil mind to better use here. [She holds up the paper.]
RORY: Fine. Last half of Nanny McPhee, First half of Final Destination 3.
LORELAI: Brilliant. Now that is what a mind is for, my friend. [They get up.]
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Next morning, Rory and Lorelai are walking.]
LORELAI: I'm sorry. But after you almost get killed on a plane and on the freeway, why would you choose to go on a terrifying roller coaster?
RORY: Oh, boy.
LORELAI: I mean, at that point, just stay home, right?
RORY: It's a horror movie!
LORELAI: Yes, but it doesn't make any sense!
RORY: It's not supposed to make sense. It's supposed to make you sick.
LORELAI: Fine, whatever. I'm heading over to the inn, do you want to come hang?
RORY: No, I got to run some errands, I'll meet you there later.
LORELAI: All right, but watch out that a street light doesn't accidentally break off, swing down and decapitate you!
RORY: Will do.
LORELAI: I mean, why even bother calling it Final Destination 3? At that point just call it "Now you're really, really, really dead!"
RORY [makes a phone with her fingers]: Hello, Hollywood? Boy, have I got a pitch for you!
[Lorelai walks away. Rory turns around and waves at Zach who is playing guitar on the steps of the gazebo. He is getting frustrated.]
ANNA NARDINI'S STORE
[Rory enters and begins looking around. Anna is helping another customer.]
CUSTOMER: T-shirt or top?
ANNA: What do you need most?
CUSTOMER: Both.
ANNA: Then go for broke. Not literally, of course. We like our customers solvent, it keeps them coming back.
CUSTOMER [holding up a t-shirt]: Your boyfriend wants me?
ANNA: What can I say, it's our biggest seller.
CUSTOMER: Okay. I guess I'll try these on.
ANNA: Dressing room's right through there, sweetie. Call if you need sizes.
[Rory continues to browse. She checks out a purse.]
ANNA: Nineteen-sixties Pan Am stewardess bag.
RORY: Oh, really? A stewardess bag? Huh.
ANNA: Yeah, I have the stewardess that goes with it too, but it'll cost you.
RORY: Well, it's really cute. All your stuff is really cute!
ANNA: Thank you. I try to stock mostly one-of-a-kind things. I'm really into the whole "this is mine, you can't have it" scene. Must be only child syndrome.
RORY: Oh, yes. I know it well.
ANNA: Okay, well, take your time.
RORY: Okay.
ANNA: Everything in that corner of the store smells like vanilla. Freaky, and unplanned.
[Rory continues to shop. The other customer emerges from the dressing room.]
ANNA: No.
CUSTOMER: What?
ANNA: No.
CUSTOMER: But -
ANNA: Trust me, at this moment I am your best friend in the world.
CUSTOMER: Should I just look in the -
ANNA: No.
CUSTOMER: Okay, well - [She reaches for another top.]
ANNA: Not that either.
[She hands her something different. Rory watches, fascinated.]
DRAGONFLY INN - LIVING ROOM
[Kirk is dressed in a burgundy suit jacket, speaking on a headset phone. He has signs and papers all over the room and he looks very official. Lorelai enters.]
KIRK: Look, Mrs. Kingston, Kirk will not rest until you are satisfied. Your demands are Kirk's demands. Your needs are Kirk's needs. Kirk is here for you.
LORELAI: Um, Kirk?
KIRK [spins around to face her]: Kirk appreciates that, Mrs. Kingston. We'll talk soon. [He hangs up with Mrs. Kingston.]
LORELAI: What are you doing here?
KIRK: Trying to bag a whale. Kirk's in the real estate game now.
LORELAI: Stop doing that.
KIRK: What?
LORELAI: Referring to yourself as Kirk.
KIRK: But that's Kirk's thing. Every realtor needs a thing, this is Kirk's thing.
LORELAI [incredulous]: You're a realtor?
KIRK: Trainee, technically.
LORELAI: Well, um, take your training somewhere else. You're scaring away all my customers, and my staff.
KIRK: Unfortunately there is nowhere else. Trainees don't get offices. Or salaries. Or jackets, that is. I'm supposed to be having this dry-cleaned for one of the senior brokers. Smells a little funky but fits like a dream. [He presses a button on his earpiece.] You've got Kirk! Yes, Mrs. Zellner. Right, the Dragonfly Inn. [He sets up a display board.] See you this afternoon.
LORELAI: Wait, you're meeting clients here?
KIRK: Only a few.
LORELAI: No.
KIRK: I promise I'll be out of your hair as soon as I make my bones. I just need a temporary place to conduct my business and potentially have sex with prospective clients.
LORELAI [shakes her head]: What?
KIRK: That's Kirk's other thing. The young, virile eye candy angle for lonely widows and aging divorcees. Works like a charm. I plan on running it by Lulu, of course.
LORELAI: Kirk, get out of here. Take your jacket and your dippy Star Trek device and your creepy new career and scram. [She begins handing him his belongings.]
KIRK: Fine. But I would have expected a little more cooperation from you considering what I'm doing for your parents.
LORELAI [snaps to attention]: What are you doing for my parents?
KIRK: Shoot. I should not have said that.
LORELAI: Said what?
KIRK: Nothing. I can neither confirm nor deny that your parents are looking for a place in Stars Hollow.
LORELAI [frantic]: My parents are looking for a place in Stars Hollow?
KIRK: I can't say! The realtor-trainee-client privilege is sacrosanct. The manual is very clear on that.
LORELAI: How long have they been looking?
KIRK: I've already said too much! It isn't even my account. The entire firm is working on it.
LORELAI: How long, Kirk?
KIRK: All I know is, they're looking, they're pricing. They've seen three gracious family Tudors this week and they have a two p.m. showing tomorrow at 546 Oakridge Lane. But I cannot and will not violate their confidence!
LORELAI: This cannot be happening!
KIRK [presses the button on his earpiece]: Kirk here. Well, hello, Ms. Wyatt! [Lorelai shoves the rest of his stuff in his arms as he heads out the door.] Lovely to hear your voice. Have I got a duplex for you!
[Lorelai fumes.]
DRAGONFLY INN - LIVING ROOM - LATER
[Rory enters with coffee and a shopping bag.]
RORY: I am getting three hot dogs tonight and I'll tell you why. I have Bugsy Malone running through my head, especially the scene where Scott Baio buys Florrie Dugger a hot dog, and he offers her mustard with onions or ketchup without. So I started thinking, what would I like? Mustard with onions or ketchup without? And then suddenly they both started to sound really good. But I usually get my hot dogs with ketchup and relish, and you don't just walk out on something that has served you so well for so long so - [she shrugs] - three hot dogs it is. So what do you think happened to Florrie Dugger anyway?
LORELAI: Oh, she moved to Stars Hollow and her mother harped on her hairstyle so much she jumped off a bridge.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: The Gilmores are moving in.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Kirk was in here today -
RORY: Nothing good starts with 'Kirk was in here today'.
LORELAI: And he's trying to be a realtor, and he told me that he's been taking my parents around to look at houses!
RORY: Around here?
LORELAI: Yes!
RORY [horrified]: But why?
LORELAI: Why? Because Luke and I are getting married and I guess they figure we'll be having kids and they want to be near me when that happens. Really near. Like in the room wearing Bill Blass scrubs.
RORY: Oh boy.
LORELAI: I don't know what to do. I moved thirty miles away from my parents for a reason! Those thirty miles act as a buffer, so that when my mother says something that makes me want to kill her, I have to drive thirty miles to do it! Ten miles in, I usually calm down or I get hungry or I pass a mall! Something prevents me from actually killing her. That buffer is my mother's best friend. Take the buffer away and you got Nancy Grace camping out on Miss Patty's lawn for a month.
RORY: Okay! You need to get a grip. Maybe Kirk is wrong.
LORELAI: Maybe.
RORY: Well, don't think about it. Here, let me distract you with a present. [She holds out the shopping bag.]
LORELAI: For me?
RORY: For you!
LORELAI: Well, the world stops for a present. [She pulls out the Pan Am stewardess bag.] Oh, it's so cute! I love it!
RORY: Good! You want to know where I got it?
LORELAI: Where'd you get it?
RORY: At Anna Nardini's store.
LORELAI [her face falls]: What?
RORY: It was great. I just strolled right in, looked very casual. I didn't have to pretend like I needed help or anything. She just came right up to me -
LORELAI [angry]: Rory, I told you I didn't want to go there.
RORY: Well, you didn't. I did.
LORELAI: But I didn't want you to go there either.
RORY: What's the big deal? She didn't know who I was.
LORELAI: The big deal is Luke asked me to stay out of this. He told me that he would deal with it.
RORY: But you're his fiancée.
LORELAI: Yeah. And you should be able to trust your fiancé.
RORY: Oh, right, the way he trusted you when he found out about April?
LORELAI: Hey!
RORY: Okay! I'm sorry! I just think it's crazy that you don't want to know anything about this woman!
LORELAI: Rory, this conversation is over!
RORY: So you're not at all curious about her.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: So, you don't want to know what she looks like?
LORELAI: No!
RORY: I'm sorry, you seriously don't care whether she's pretty or not?
LORELAI: No!
RORY: So you have no interest in the fact that she has good taste in clothes or music -
LORELAI: Rory, stop! Drop it! I mean it.
RORY: Fine. I guess you don't want the purse, then. [She takes the purse back.]
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Zach is playing his song for Mrs. Kim.]
ZACH [singing]: What's the big commotion? What's the big commotion? Caught a head of distortion, tell me for the kettle blows you know we've got another commotion.
[Mrs. Kim stares at him.]
ZACH: So?
MRS. KIM [tilts her head]: Close. [Zach groans.] Last part needs work.
ZACH: Well, I don't know what else to do.
MRS. KIM: What you do is try again.
ZACH: I've been working on this song for twenty hours. My fingers are cramping, I'm totally fried.
MRS. KIM: Run in place for a minute, gets the blood moving.
ZACH [sets down the guitar]: Forget it. This is hopeless.
MRS. KIM: What?
ZACH: I can't write a hit, okay?
MRS. KIM: Not with that attitude, you can't! Now pick up your guitar. [Zach picks it up wearily.] Let me hear the last line of the chorus again.
ZACH [plays and sings]: Tell me for the kettle blows you know we've got another commotion.
MRS. KIM: Stinks.
ZACH: Great.
MRS. KIM: Try going out on a minor chord.
ZACH: A minor chord. Like this one. [He plays a chord.]
MRS. KIM: Different minor chord. [He plays another one.] Not quite.
ZACH: How's this one? [He plays another chord, and is surprised at the sound.]
MRS. KIM: Better.
ZACH: Yeah. That is better. Very Ray Davies.
MRS. KIM: I was thinking Dave Clark Five. Try it again, the whole chorus.
ZACH [singing with more enthusiasm]: What's the big commotion? What's the big commotion? Caught a head of distortion, tell me for the kettle blows you know we've got another commotion. [Going out on the minor chord, he is impressed.] Whoa!
MRS. KIM: Now that is a hit song!
ZACH: It is! We wrote a hit song! Mrs. Kim, we wrote a hit song!
MRS. KIM: Excellent! Now we go inside. [She gets up.]
ZACH [follows her excitedly]: You know, I try to write with Brian all the time, but it doesn't work out because he gives in way too easy. You know, he just doesn't push me. I've got a couple more songs I'd love for you to listen to, maybe I could bring them by later?
MRS. KIM: Lane, come down here now. [Lane comes down.] Zach has something important to say to you.
LANE: Yes, Zach?
ZACH: Your mom and I just wrote a hit song!
LANE: What?
ZACH: It was incredible! We were in the garage, it was awesome, it goes out on a minor chord -
MRS. KIM: Zach!
ZACH: Yeah!
MRS. KIM: Don't you have something else to say to Lane? [He looks blank. She sets a kneeling stool down between them.] Maybe something to ask her?
ZACH: Oh. Right, sorry. [He kneels on the stool.] Lane. [He takes her hand.] Lane, will you marry me?
LANE [teary]: Yes, Zach, I will.
[Zach begins to put the ring back on Lane's finger.]
MRS. KIM: Hold on! [She takes a ring out of her pocket.] This ring belonged to my grandmother. [She puts it on Lane's finger.] Now it belongs to you.
LANE [in awe]: Thanks, Momma.
MRS. KIM [to Zach]: That one you keep in drawer so it doesn't scare the children. [Zach puts it in his pocket.] All right, you two are now officially engaged. There is much for you to discuss, so I will leave you two alone. You have fifteen minutes.
[She leaves. Zach stands up.]
ZACH: I can't believe it. We did it.
LANE: I know, we're getting married! [They kiss sweetly.] Now, tell me about this song.
ZACH [reaches for his guitar]: Lane, you're not going to believe it! Think early Kinks, meets the Jam, meets the Futureheads. Here, I'll play it. [He begins the song again.] What's the big commotion?
LUKE'S DINER - NIGHT
[Lorelai and Rory enter.]
LORELAI: Okay, but see, I'm sorry, they did not even come up with a villain! No Freddy. No Jason. The villain is death? How lame is that? Who is seeing this movie?
RORY: Apparently we are. Many, many times.
LORELAI: But how can they make money off of that? I mean, where's the Halloween mask? Where's the costume? How can they keep making the same stupid movie over and over and over?
RORY: Ah, Caesar! Thank God. We desperately need something to put in her mouth. [She glances at Lorelai.]
LORELAI: Hi. Two cheeseburgers and a copy of Syd Field's book, please. We are missing the boat. Where's Luke?
CAESAR: He just ran upstairs. He's got this new policy of not yelling at the vendors in front of customers.
LORELAI: Hm.
[Rory's cell phone rings in her purse. Lorelai notices her ignoring it.]
RORY: So?
LORELAI: So.
RORY: What should we do after dinner?
LORELAI: Do you want to rent Final Destination One and Two?
RORY: So many things wrong with you.
CAESAR [hands them coffee]: Here, freshly made.
RORY: Excellent.
LORELAI: Hey, what kind of donuts do you have left over?
CAESAR: I think we have chocolate, one jelly, and a crumb.
LORELAI: Mm, jelly, please.
CAESAR: Okay.
LORELAI [notices a new duffel bag on the counter]: Hey, fancy new bag you've got there.
CAESAR: Huh? Oh, that's Luke's. I think he just got it today. I'll go check on your burgers. [He goes back into the kitchen.]
LORELAI: So, I finally wore him down, huh! [Rory looks guilty.] What?
RORY: Well, I don't know if you want to know this, but I saw that bag earlier at Anna's store.
LORELAI [scoffs]: That bag?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: How do you know it was the same exact bag? There must be millions of places who sell it.
RORY: I guess. I mean, Anna did say that she likes to stock one-of-a-kind things. It's possible.
LORELAI: Hm. Excuse me. [She gets up.]
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke is sitting at the table, on the phone.]
LUKE: I ordered Swiss, Monty. Swiss has holes, it's a terrific way to identify it. Okay, Thursday's good, but tomorrow would be - okay. Let me put it to you like this. If it comes on Thursday, it's half price, right? [He laughs.] All right, we'll see you tomorrow.
[Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Hey, am I interrupting?
LUKE: Uh, no. Just straightening something out. How was the movie?
LORELAI: Ugh. Do not get me started. Rory's downstairs.
LUKE: Great. I'll be right down.
LORELAI: Cool. That's cool. [She continues to stand there.]
LUKE: You okay?
LORELAI: Wha- sure. Great. [After Luke's expectant pause] So I see Papa's got a brand new bag.
LUKE: Huh?
LORELAI: I saw your snazzy new luggage downstairs.
LUKE: Oh, right. Anna sent that over.
LORELAI: Oh, wow! Coinky-dink, huh?
LUKE: Well, we were talking about April's trip itinerary and I guess I mentioned that my duffel bag's falling apart, and the next thing I know, she sent the thing over.
LORELAI: Aw, that's nice.
LUKE: Sure, it's fine.
LORELAI: You know, I was serious when I said I would go out and buy you new luggage. I'm nothing if not a gifted shopper.
LUKE: Oh, I know that. But it's here, so.
LORELAI: Yeah, it's here. [She looks at the floor.]
LUKE: So this doesn't bother you, does it?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: That Anna sent me the bag, because I can send it back.
LORELAI: Oh, no, no. It's cool.
LUKE: You sure?
LORELAI: Yeah. I'm fine. So, I should get back down.
LUKE: Okay. I'll be by in a minute.
LORELAI: Cool.
LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai returns to the counter.]
RORY: Well?
LORELAI: Well, what?
RORY: Is the bag from Anna?
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
RORY: It is!
LORELAI: It is. He mentioned his duffel bag was shot and she sent a bag over. He didn't ask for it. He explained the whole thing to me, we discussed it, and we're fine.
RORY: You're fine.
LORELAI: Yep. Fine.
[She takes a bite and stares at the bag.]
LOGAN AND RORY'S APARTMENT
[Rory enters and sets down her bags. Logan comes out of the bedroom.]
LOGAN [concerned]: Where the hell have you been?
RORY: Oh, I went to Stars Hollow to visit my mom for a couple days.
LOGAN: You went to Stars Hollow?
RORY: Yep.
LOGAN: Well, you could have told me, Ace! Left a note, called, something?
RORY: Yeah, I know, I should have.
LOGAN: I mean, I wake up and you're gone!
RORY [lightheartedly]: I didn't mean to freak you out.
LOGAN: I kept calling your cell. I must have called a hundred times.
RORY: Oh yeah, well, my cell died and my charger was here, of course. I have to buy an extra one. You keep telling me that.
LOGAN: Finally I checked in with the paper and they told me you've been emailing stuff, so at least I knew you were alive!
RORY: I'm so sorry. It just became this whole thing, my grandparents stopped by unexpectedly, which took forever, anyhow. It's a long story. But I promise, it'll never happen again. I have to take a shower. [She walks past him.]
LOGAN: Rory.
RORY: Yeah?
LOGAN: You sure everything's okay?
RORY: Yeah. It's fine.
[She walks into the bathroom.]
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