Épisode Le masque de combat S06E02 - Gilmore Girls Saison 6

TWICKHAM HOUSE - OUTSIDE

[It's nighttime. Lorelai and Sookie are standing on the sidewalk looking up at the house.]

LORELAI: It's big.

SOOKIE: That's what she said.

LORELAI: Good one.

SOOKIE [laughing]: Hey, I'm still twelve.

LORELAI: I meant the house. It's very big.

SOOKIE: Very sweet of Luke to have that dream of his. You two living in this house?

LORELAI: What do you think there are? Twelve rooms?

SOOKIE: At least. I mean, you could really go to town in this place. You could have a dedicated sewing room. I mean, that's a no-brainer.

LORELAI: Are you kidding? I could put a whole loom in one of those rooms. Indulge my long-harbored desire to make tapestries.

SOOKIE: You've been long-harboring that one?

LORELAI: I just thought of it, but yeah.

SOOKIE: So it's all feeling good, huh?

LORELAI: Well, it's a little on the Versailles side. I'm going to have to keep an eye out for peasants with pitchforks.

SOOKIE: I meant the relationship. You're engaged, for gosh sakes!

LORELAI: Yes, I'm aware.

SOOKIE: It's sticking?

LORELAI: Yes, Sookie, it's sticking.

SOOKIE: Good, good. [Pause.] How about now?

LORELAI: I'm totally re-evaluating the whole thing.

SOOKIE: Really?

LORELAI: No!

SOOKIE: Well, you've got priors!

LORELAI: Sookie!

SOOKIE: You say one thing, but your heart says another.

LORELAI: Please. Don't give me the whole litany, especially one that sounds so much like a Kenny Chesney song.

SOOKIE: I'm just being honest.

LORELAI: I'm not going to bolt. [She breathes deeply.] I'm staying put.

SOOKIE: Good. Because the eyes will give you away.

LORELAI: What?

SOOKIE: If you're thinking of bolting. They'll pop out on you like that runaway bride. It's like the eyes are trying to run away first.

LORELAI: Sookie, look at my eyes.

SOOKIE: Okay.

LORELAI: How do they look?

SOOKIE: Pretty socked in there.

LORELAI: And there they will remain. Everything's good. Promise.

SOOKIE: Good. Pretty eyes, too.

LORELAI: I'm taken.

SOOKIE: Sorry.

[They look back at the house.]

LORELAI: Whoa!

SOOKIE: What?

LORELAI: Is it me, or -

SOOKIE: Nope. I think it just got bigger.

LORELAI: That's what she said.

SOOKIE: Good grief.

LORELAI: What? You can be twelve, but I can't be twelve?

SOOKIE: No. You can be twelve.

LORELAI: Thank you.

OPENING CREDITS

A CLASSROOM-LIKE SPACE

[A man is pacing in front of a diverse group of bored-looking people watching him.]

SPEAKER: Remember to sign in at the get-go. If you do not sign in, your work that day will not count against your community service hours, so do it. Same thing at the end. Sign out. Don't forget. Each shift is three and a half hours. Double shifts will include a half hour lunch break, and it's bring your own. [He hands a stack of papers to a guy in front.] Take one down and pass it around. These are your guidelines. They outline safety procedures, behavior requirements, et cetera. If you cause any trouble you will come back here to see me, something I do not want to happen. Now let's talk about what you will not bring. First on the list, weapons of any kind. I'll state the obvious first. You will not bring a gun. You will not bring chains. You will not bring knives of any kind, including pen knives, nail files, razor blades, carpet cutters. You will not bring rope. You will not bring brass knuckles or anything that can be used as a truncheon.

[The camera follows the stack of papers being passed around and finally reaches Rory on the end. She looks anxious.]

LUKE'S DINER

[Luke and Lorelai emerge from the upstairs apartment into the diner.]

LUKE: And they have those flashlight thingies.

LORELAI: Yeah. That's the right name for those. Flashlight thingies.

LUKE: And Jedi powers of mind control, they can move things, so they're telekinetic, and they hover their jet saucers over molten lava, and they jump and fly around like they're in Cirque du Soleil.

LORELAI: Oh. Coffee, please.

LUKE: But what gives one Jedi knight the edge over the other, huh? The ultimate advantage? They stand on a mound of dirt and declare, "You can't win. I've got the high ground." [He gestures that he doesn’t' understand.]

LORELAI: Dude, if he said it, that's the way it is. It's a fictional world.

LUKE: He's four feet up a little slope! And that wipes out all the other guy's powers? The fly, jump around, move things with his brain, use the little flashlight thingy?

LORELAI: You have got to learn the right term for that flashlight thingy.

LUKE: This has been bugging me.

LORELAI: For months! We saw that movie months ago! You've got to let it go!

LUKE: I can't!

LORELAI: George Lucas owns San Francisco now. That's a city. You can't argue with a man who owns a city.

LUKE: All the other guy has to do is scurry on to land and run up the hill a bit, and then he has the high ground. I mean, they can fly jet pods, but they can't scurry?

LORELAI: Go on a website or something, okay? 'Cause there are thousands - no, millions of your kind out there debating all the minutiae of not just this Star Wars movie, but every Star Wars movie.

LUKE: You drag me to see these movies.

LORELAI: No, you wanted to see that movie.

LUKE: So I can't critique it because I wanted to see it?

LORELAI: That's how it works.

LUKE: What about Bewitched?

LORELAI [breathes in sharply]: Okay, I'm sorry. They screwed up Bewitched! Nicole Kidman, good choice, but that concept?

LUKE: You should go on a website.

LORELAI: But Bewitched is iconic! Dr. Bombay. Larry Tate. There was no Larry Tate!

LUKE: Hey, let it go. We saw this months ago.

LORELAI: This is different. You can't have Bewitched without Larry Tate.

LUKE: There's your coffee.

LORELAI [sighs]: So should we stop going to movies?

LUKE: We should stop caring.

LORELAI: Okay. Bye, doll.

LUKE: Bye.

[They kiss over the counter. Lorelai smile at him as she leaves. Luke walks over to a table to wipe it. TJ is in the corner installing shelves.]

TJ: You see these? [He caresses the shelf.]

LUKE: Yeah, I saw them before, TJ. Stop doing that, it's creepy.

TJ: Some of my best work, these shelves.

LUKE: Very shelf-y.

TJ: You're not excited!

LUKE: Yeah, I tend not to get too excited about things like shelves.

TJ: I hate that you lost the little boy in you.

LUKE: Don't cry for me.

TJ: By the way, I'm throwing in my top shelf as an engagement gift for you, brother-in-law!

LUKE: Great, thanks.

TJ: Of course, my per shelf rate's gone up since we last talked, so it comes out to the same money.

LUKE: Yeah, well, funny how that works.

TJ: It's very exciting, how Lorelai's gonna be my sister-in-law. Having another hot girl in the family is going to be très cool.

LUKE: Uh-huh.

TJ: People are really gonna stare when the two of us are squiring our delectable wives around.

LUKE: I don't know just how much mutual squiring you and I are going to be doing.

TJ: You've got to admit, our wives are hot. [He draws a woman's body in the air.] Va-va to the voom.

LUKE: TJ, your wife is my sister!

TJ: That don't make you blind, does it? [He repeats the woman's-body gesture.] Va-va -
LUKE: Don't go to the voom again.

TJ: Mr. Sensitive.

LUKE: You're done here, right? Don't you have somewhere to go?

TJ [shrugs]: I'm pretty free. I was gonna go home and watch Bewitched on DVD but your woman spoiled that for me.

LUKE: Yeah, I got to check something out in the storeroom, so.

TJ: Whoa, whoa, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait. I need your okay on something.

LUKE: As long as it doesn't involve my sister.

TJ: It pays to advertise, right? I want to put a sign up on the shelves to let people know who did them. "Shelves by AJ".

LUKE: AJ? Why AJ? Why not TJ?

TJ: 'Cause I'm going in the yellow pages and I want to be up at the top. T puts me after everything except U, V, W, X, Y and Z and I think a few others. Smart, huh?

LUKE: Yeah, well, I just don't want you advertising here, TJ.

TJ: Well, is it okay if I give out my card to any inquiring party? [He hands Luke a card.]

LUKE: Sure. If they inquire, I'll give them a card. [He looks at the card.] You crossed out Ralph's Shoe Repair" and wrote in "AJ Construction". That's your card?

TJ: I don't technically have cards. So I take them from other businesses and write my own stuff in.

LUKE: You want to - might want to cross out the picture of the guy shining the boot. It might confuse things.

TJ: Thanks. [He takes the card back as Luke heads to the storeroom.] What a team, uh? What a team? [To the patrons sitting at the counter.] How 'bout those shelves, uh? You plus your fat cousins could sit on 'em. They wouldn't break. They're that strong. Here. Take a card.


STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE

[The square is full of pets in cages. There is a pet adoption fair going on. Lorelai walks through the square, looking at the animals. She bends down to talk to a small black pig.]

LORELAI: Hello, Porky! Hello! Oh! Well, feeling a little guilty because of the You-L-T I had yesterday. That's right, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Oh! [She gets up and turns to a couple of dogs.] Hi, fellas, what's up? You both look like killers. [She turns to a shaggy-looking dog in a cage up on a table and pets him and coos at him through the bars.] Hey! Hey, you! Oh, someone seems very happy!

PET FAIR ATTENDANT: He likes you, and he's picky!

LORELAI: He's cute! [To the dog] You're cute. You're shaggy cute. Oh, we've got a love thing going on, don't we?

[Miss Patty approaches Lorelai from behind.]

PATTY [accusingly]: What are you doing?

LORELAI [jumps back]: I'm just enjoying the animals, Patty.

PATTY [to the pet fair attendant]: Honey, this is not right. She can't have a love thing with a dog.

PET FAIR ATTENDANT: She can't?

LORELAI [laughs nervously]: Yes! I can. Go about your business, there, Patty.

PATTY: You must have her name on some blacklist back there, don't you?

PET FAIR ATTENDANT: We don't have a blacklist.

PATTY: But this is Lorelai Gilmore.

LORELAI: Ignore her. This dog loves me. And the pig. The pig loved me.

PATTY [looks back]: It looks dead.

LORELAI: It's sleeping. They sleep, right?

PET FAIR ATTENDANT: Actually, that's very unusual for her to be sleeping. [Calls out] Meg, make sure the pig's okay.

MEG: Yeah, the pig's fine.

PATTY: You didn't touch it, did you?

LORELAI: I did not kill the pig, Patty.

PATTY: You've got a bad record, you've got to admit it.

LORELAI: That thing with the hamster was a long time ago. It was a long time ago! [The pet fair attendant nods.] And it was only a hamster. I mean, it's really not in the same category as a dog or a pig, now, is it?

PATTY: What about the rabbit?

LORELAI: Okay. The rabbit was sick when I got it. It was sick when I got it. It was actually very humanitarian of me to take it in the first place.

PATTY: And that poor turtle! It was supposed to outlive you!

LORELAI: Okay, you're really kind of bringing down the pet fair, here, Patty.

PATTY [pats her shoulder]: Honey, go see March of the Penguins. That's really as close to the animals as you should get. [She walks away.]

LORELAI [laughs]: She's a comedienne, that one. She just gets a bit and she keeps on going, you know, even with one that's not funny. [She bends down to face the dog.] Hi. See you later, kiddo.

[She turns to go. Liz runs toward her with her arms spread wide.]

LIZ: Lorelai! [She hugs her.]

LORELAI: Liz, hi!

LIZ: And Luke, engaged!

LORELAI: Yes we are!

LIZ: I want to eat your face!

LORELAI: Is that good?

LIZ: You're my sister-in-law! Mrs. Danes! Not that you're changing your name, you don't got to. Go modern.

LORELAI: Oh, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

LIZ: This ring! Oh, my brother has good taste.

LORELAI: Yes, he does.

LIZ: Did you ever see my ring? [She shows her.] It's a beaut, huh?

LORELAI: Definitely.

LIZ: I had a problem with it for a while, it turned my finger green.

LORELAI: Well, that's common with metal.

LIZ: Nah, it's worse than that. The finger turned green, then it turned blue, then purple, so I went to this doctor and he's talking amputation -
LORELAI [shocked]: Oh my God!

LIZ: But TJ picked it out for me, so I love it, I really do!

LORELAI: It's the thought that counts.

LIZ: Well, I've got to get going. I actually have a finger therapy session I have to go to. [She holds up her ring in a Captain Planet kind of gesture.] Sister-in-laws!

LORELAI [holds her ring up to Liz's]: Oh! Sister-in-laws!

LIZ: Oh! I'm a jerk!

LORELAI: What?

LIZ: I forgot to ask you about Rory.

LORELAI [uncomfortable]: Right.

LIZ: So, she's staying here with you for the summer break?

LORELAI: Oh, well, actually - Luke didn't tell you about all this?

LIZ: All what?

LORELAI: She's staying with her grandparents for the summer.

LIZ: Really?

LORELAI: For a change of pace. And she'll be - working, and - yeah.

LIZ: Oh, your whole extended family. You, your parents, so close. It's nice.

LORELAI [big, fake smile]: Yes, it is.

LIZ: Ow.

LORELAI: What?

LIZ: My finger. Gotta run. Bye.

LORELAI: Bye, Liz.

[Liz runs off. Lorelai sighs and turns back to the cute, shaggy dog. She smiles at the pet fair attendant.]

LORELAI: I'll take him.


ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - DINING ROOM

[Richard and Emily are sitting at opposite ends of the table. There is a huge platter of pastries in the centre.]

EMILY: So the fourteenth works?

RICHARD: Yeah, works for me. My God, we're busier than that Ann Coulter.

EMILY: Who?

RICHARD: That blond beanpole on TV? If she walked over a subway grate she'd fall right through.

EMILY: We need to talk to the gardener.

RICHARD: Try. I've given up.

[Rory wanders in wearing sweats.]

EMILY: I told him to take that MP3 device off his head while he worked and he did. Then I hid behind the curtains and he put his MP3 device right back in his ears.

RICHARD: We're paying him too much if he's able to afford an MP3 device.

EMILY: Well, he's got to focus on the lawn! Morning, Rory.

RORY: Hi.

RICHARD: The patches of brown! Good morning, Rory.

RORY: Morning.

EMILY: Oh, speaking of which, we have a cocktail gathering on Wednesday.

RICHARD: How is patches of brown speaking of which?

EMILY: It's at Sterling Oliver's.

RICHARD [nodding]: The age spots.

EMILY: You worship the sun, you pay the price.

RICHARD [chuckles]: So, Wednesday with the Olivers - wait a minute. We already have cocktails with the Bransons on Wednesday.

EMILY: We'll do a drink at each.

RICHARD: Well, we've done it before.

EMILY: Rory, sit, sit.

RORY: Okay. [She pulls up a chair.]

RICHARD: We're staying on top of your car, by the way.

RORY: My car?

RICHARD: Mm. It's still in the shop. What is with our government? Impounding a car and damaging it in the process.

EMILY: Then refusing to pay for the damage.

RICHARD: I should tell Scooter Libby about this. I keep forgetting I know a man on the inside. I'll give him a call.

EMILY: Before an indictment comes down.

RORY: I'm sorry.

EMILY: For what?

RORY: Well, my car is impounded because of the thing with the yacht.

EMILY: That's forgotten.

RICHARD: Totally forgotten.

EMILY: It didn't happen.

RICHARD: We'll get you through this community service, then you'll be through with the matter.

EMILY: Was the orientation horrible?

RORY: No, it went fine. I start my first hours in a couple days.

EMILY: You're bearing this angelically.

RICHARD [checks his watch]: Oh, I've got to run!

EMILY: Oh, look at that! Me, too!

RICHARD: Good-bye, Rory. Have a nice day.

EMILY: Eat the rest of this.

RORY: I'll try.

[Richard kisses the top of her head.]

EMILY: And give the fabric samples in the pool house a good look. The longer we wait, the longer it takes.

RORY: I'll give them a good look.

[Emily and Richard exit as a song starts to play. They walk toward the door.]

EMILY: What's that?

RICHARD: It's my new ring tone.

EMILY: I love it!

RICHARD: Well, I'll have Katie come up with some appropriate suggestions for yours. Maybe some Burt Bacharach.

EMILY: Wonderful.

[The door closes. Rory stares at all the food.]


POOLHOUSE

[Rory watches a movie slumped on one of the chairs, still covered in fabric samples. She is wearing a bathing suit and a skirt, as if she was going to go swimming but got sidetracked. The camera angles around and shows that she is watching the Dustin Hoffman diving scene in "The Graduate". She is expressionless.]


GILMORE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

[Rory enters from the side door, in the same outfit as before. We can hear a maid vacuuming. Rory wanders, fidgeting with random sculptures. She sees the maid walk by in the hallway. She waves. The maid smiles. Rory follows her into the kitchen.]

RORY [gesturing to the coffee pot]: May I?

ESPERANZA: Si.

RORY: Esperanza, right?

ESPERANZA: Si, Esperanza.

RORY [after a pause]: Tu nombre es muy bonito.

ESPERANZA [gasps]: ¿Hablas español?

RORY: Um, no lo hablo bien. Y no lo hablo mucho.

ESPERANZA: Lo hablas muy bien.

RORY: ¿De donde eres?

ESPERANZA: Guatemala.

RORY: ¿Guatemala? ¿Tienes familia a ye?

ESPERANZA: Si, tengo mucha familia. Y quiero traer mi mama aquí.

RORY: Oh, si. ¿Y cuántos años tienen tu mama?

ESPERANZA: Ciento dos años.

RORY: Oh.

[They laugh.]

[Please excuse the Spanish part. I don't speak Spanish myself so if there are any errors I apologize.]


GILMORE HOUSE - LATER

[Rory is chatting comfortably with Esperanza. Emily enters.]

RORY: ¿Le gusta ver football en la televisión o le gusta jugar?

EMILY [shocked]: Rory!

RORY [twirls around]: Oh! Grandma, you scared me.

ESPERANZA: Hello, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY: What is going on in here?

RORY: Um, we were just - [she looks down at her hands] - Well, we were polishing silver. [She smiles.]

EMILY: Esperanza, the vacuum is still sitting in the foyer.

[Esperanza looks at her, confused.]

EMILY: The vacuum! [Shouts] The vacuum!

ESPERANZA: Oh, si! Yes, ma'am. Si. [She scurries out.]

EMILY: Tell me she didn't ask you to help.

RORY: Oh, no. No, she didn't. I just - I don't know, I just thought I would pitch in.

EMILY: Well, you shouldn't! This is her job, she's paid to do this.

RORY: I know.

EMILY: And what was that language?

RORY: Spanish.

EMILY: Spanish? They don't like when you talk to them, Rory, it throws them off their axis.

RORY: She seemed fine.

EMILY: Is that a bathing suit?

RORY: Yeah, yeah, I was going to go swimming earlier. [Emily stares her down.] In fact, I think I'll go do that now.

EMILY: Yes. A swim would be good.

RORY: Okay. Well, see you later.

[Rory leaves. Emily looks disapprovingly at the silver-polishing project.]


LORELAI'S HOUSE

[Lorelai opens the door for Luke. He enters.]

LUKE: Hey, you ready to go?

LORELAI: Come in, come in! I want to show you something!

LUKE: Okay.

LORELAI [giggles excitedly]: Or, more accurately, I want to show you someone. [They enter the living room.] Ta-da! Oh. Where'd he go?

LUKE: Where'd who go? What's all this crap?

LORELAI: Oh. Yoo-hoo! Come on, dude! We had it all rehearsed and everything! [She spots what she is looking for.] Ah! Ha, ha. Yeah. [She bends down behind the chair in the corner and pops up with the shaggy dog.] Ta-da!

LUKE: It's a dog!

LORELAI: Yeah, very good! [To the dog] He's smart, too! Not as smart as you. [She sets the dog down on the coffee table.]

LUKE: What are you doing with a dog?

LORELAI: I bought him. Doesn't he look happy?

LUKE: Yeah, I guess. You bought a dog!

LORELAI: Yeah, and he loves me. And he doesn't give his love easily. The only drawback's the name. Coco. It's too cutesy. But he's a rescue, so I don't want to freak him out by giving him a new name right away, so I'm going to get to the name I want to give him in baby steps. For the first week I'll call him Coco, to get him acclimated -
LUKE: Acclimated.

LORELAI: Second week I'm going to call him Cokie, third week Kooky, fourth week Tooky.

LUKE: So you're going to name him Tooky.

LORELAI: No, I'm going to name him Paul Anka, but it's going to take a while to get to Paul Anka.

LUKE: Yeah. I'd say so.

LORELAI: And you know, this little guy has already taught me something I didn't know. Just because they make it for a dog, doesn't mean a dog is going to like it! Toys, including squeakies, and the, uh, wazzup variety - [she squeezes a monkey that says "Wazzup"] - no interest. Rawhide bones, no interest. Popcorn - scared of it.

LUKE: Scared of popcorn?

LORELAI: Yeah, and also of tissue holders, paperbacks, CD's, framed pictures and lint. Oh, and when I drink something, he gets freaked out, like I'm going to die and I have to pick him up and rock him like a baby until he calms down. It's been quite a first day for us.

LUKE: Look, should I ask the question that immediately came to mind when I first saw the thing, or should I just shut up?

LORELAI: No. Shoot.

LUKE: Is it okay for you -
LORELAI [defensive]: That hamster was defective. Period. Plus they only live, like, three years. I looked it up. And, and he would have been dead by now anyway. So, world, stop with the hamster already!

LUKE: But the turtle -
LORELAI: The same thing with the turtle!

LUKE: Yeah, but they live to be ninety!

LORELAI: I will take care of this dog. I promise. Now, would you like a beer?

LUKE: Sure.

LORELAI: 'Kay. Just distract him while I'm drinking, and don't let him see the [whispers] bottle opener.

[They go into the kitchen. Lorelai gets two beers out of the fridge.]

LUKE: How much did you spend on all this?

LORELAI: Tons.

LUKE: For a stupid dog.

LORELAI: You're acting like you don't like dogs.

LUKE: I don't like dogs.

[Paul Anka comes into the room.]

LORELAI: Sh! He heard you!

LUKE: Oh, he speaks English?

LORELAI: Since when do you not like dogs?

LUKE: Since all the times I made that really, really clear, which is every time I have ever been around a dog.

LORELAI: What is there not to like about dogs?

LUKE [sitting at the table]: They're dirty. They're a pain to train. They're a pain to wash. They bark when they shouldn't. They jump on you when you don't want them to. They chew things. They shed. They lick themselves. They make your car smell. They make your house smell. And they make you smell.

LORELAI [sitting, sighs]: You know, I think it's very sad that you've lost the little boy in you.

LUKE: The little boy didn't like dogs either.

LORELAI: Oh, you know? I just realized what this is! This is our thing.

LUKE: What thing?

LORELAI: This tradition of ours. You claim to hate everything at first, but it's just your initial stance in a negotiation. And then we talk and our opinions merge and we find a happy middle.

LUKE: No. A lot of times it's just how I feel and my mind doesn't change.

[Paul Anka starts to eat.]

LORELAI [whispering excitedly]: Oh, he's eating! Let's go! [They get up slowly.] But don't make any sudden movements, and don't drink, and don't look at him! He's very self-conscious about his eating. I'm the same way! That's how I know this is going to work! Go, go, go.

[She pushes him out the back door. They stand and watch him through the window.]

LUKE: You do realize your dog has just driven us out of the house.

LORELAI: Don't worry. He's a quick eater. Come on.

[They walk around the porch to the bench in the front.]

LORELAI: Sh.

LUKE: This is silly.

LORELAI: What? We can hang out out here. It's a nice night. [They sit.] Okay. Now fill me in. How was your day?

LUKE: Well, I talked to some contractors about the Twickham house.

LORELAI: Oh, yeah?

LUKE: As soon as we make the offer they'll let us in, we can start planning stuff, remodeling, whatever.

LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: And as soon as we're out of escrow we can start work.

LORELAI: Cool. Excellent.

LUKE: I was thinking we could even pull the crew over here, do some touchups before selling.

LORELAI: Wait. Touchups? Where? Here?

LUKE: Yeah. It hasn't been painted in a while. Fixing it up will help it sell.

LORELAI: Right. You know what I've been thinking?

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: Maybe we should hang on to this house.

LUKE: To rent?

LORELAI: No. Not to rent. To use in some other way.

LUKE: What other way?

LORELAI: Uh, I don't know. It could be like a paint studio.

LUKE: We don't paint.

LORELAI: Well, maybe we'll start. Maybe it's the lack of a studio that's kept us from realizing our love of watercolors.

LUKE: I don't have a love of watercolors.

LORELAI: Or I could use it as my recording studio. That would be cool, huh? And when I'm not laying down tracks I could rent it out to Korn or Iggy Pop or someone. Right? You and me, just hanging with Iggy Pop, rockin' out. Telling stories - Ig's got stories.

LUKE: Uh-huh.

LORELAI: Or we could use it as a safe house in case we decide to take up a life of crime.

LUKE: I doubt we're going to do that.

LORELAI: Well, we could be wrongly accused of a crime we did not commit. And then we'd have to hide out until society realized the mistake. And then, we'd be like, "Hey. No hard feelings, it happens. This is a great country, and thank God we had the safe house."
LUKE: If you want, we can just hang on to it, rent it out.

LORELAI [wrinkles her nose]: I don't want anyone else living in it.

LUKE: They can't live in it, but they can record songs in it.

LORELAI: I just think we could use this place. Think about it, okay?

LUKE: Yeah, sure, we'll think about it.

LORELAI: Okay. [She peeks in the window. She gushes.] Oh, look, he's done! And he's in there fast asleep!

LUKE: Great. Let's go back in.

LORELAI: Okay. Just be careful, because he gets scared when you wake him up.

LUKE: Of course.

LORELAI: Mmkay. Oh, and, uh, try not to say any words that begin with the letter 'Q'.

[She shrugs as they go inside.]


ELDER GILMORE HOUSE

[Rory enters from the side door and walks into the living room. Richard and Emily are waiting for her.]

RORY: Hi. I got your note.

EMILY: Come in, dear.

RICHARD: We just wanted to speak to you for a minute.

EMILY: Sit, sit.

RICHARD: We have a club soda all ready for you here.

EMILY: Is that all right? We can make you something else.

RORY: No, that's fine. My drink of choice. Thank you.

[She reaches out for the glass and takes a sip. Richard and Emily watch her. There's an awkward pause.]

RORY: Refreshing.

RICHARD: Now. You said something before about wanting a job.

RORY: Yes.

RICHARD: You're low on money, and I know you'd prefer to earn it, rather than be given it. You're a Gilmore.

RORY [nodding]: Hmm.

RICHARD: Your grandmother and I are ready to help you with that.

RORY: With a job?

RICHARD: That's right.

RORY: Well, um, the job thing was before my court thing? Three hundred hours of community service in six months. It's a full-time job in itself, which kind of limits my options as far as work.

EMILY: That's where we come in. We can swing a couple of options for you that'll give you the flexibility you need.

RORY: Really?

RICHARD: There are all sorts of things out there for a bright girl such as yourself. They'll bend their schedules for you.

EMILY: I'll make some appointments and let you know what they are.

RORY [nodding]: All right. Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

[A maid carries in a tray.]

EMILY: Have you met Dracuda? She's from Romania.

RORY: Hi.

[Dracuda glares at her. Apparently she has been instructed not to speak to Rory. She leaves the room.]


LORELAI'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH

[The next day. Lorelai comes out of her house with Paul Anka. She starts down the stairs, but he doesn't. Lorelai stops and looks back at him.]

LORELAI: That's right. I forgot, you don't like the stairs. Come on, Paul Anka. Oh!

[She grunts as she picks him up and carries him down the stairs.]

LORELAI: That's right. I'm skipping the fancy in-between thing and going straight for the gold. I'm calling you Paul Anka. Paul Anka the dog.

[She walks off-screen. We hear the dog bark.]

LORELAI [OS]: Oh, you don't like mailboxes. Got it.


GILMORE'S BACKYARD

[Rory, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, enters through the gate and stops when she sees Emily entertaining a group of about ten ladies in tea-party mode.]

RORY: Oh, excuse me.

EMILY: Rory! What a coincidence! We were just talking about you earlier.

RORY: You were?

EMILY: Come in, sit with us for a minute.

BLUE LADY: This is Rory?

NORA: She's made of porcelain!

RORY: Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt.

BLUE LADY: Beautiful skin.

GREEN LADY: Like one of your yard roses.

NORA: I want to miniaturize her and set her on my mantle.

EMILY: You interrupted nothing.

GREEN LADY: Nora was just defending her choice.

RORY: Her choice?

EMILY: Cover your ears, Rory.

NORA: It's Alexander Hamilton. No debate.

GREEN LADY: Over Washington.

BLUE LADY: And Jefferson.

NORA: Direct, proud. That chin, and those blazing eyes.

EMILY: They're discussing the forefathers.

BLUE LADY: Choosing, to be more accurate.

RORY: Which one was the greatest?

NORA: Lover.

RORY: Oh, dear.

EMILY: Girls, please. She's just a child.

GREEN LADY: Most of us picked Washington or Jefferson. There was one vote for James Madison.

EMILY: Two abstentions.

NORA: And I chose the stud on the ten.

EMILY: It's the drinks. I have to start watering them down.

BLUE LADY: So we finally meet the famous Rory.

RORY: I'm famous?

EMILY: You're wanted.

GREEN LADY: She's perfect for us.

RORY: For what?

EMILY: A job's opened up at our DAR office downtown.

NORA: We need someone smart, sharp-looking.

BLUE LADY: And the hours are extremely flexible.

EMILY: It just fell out of the sky into our laps. Isn't that something?

RORY: Yes.

EMILY: You could even work from home occasionally. It's mostly phone work.

NORA: You'd be perfect for us.

RORY: Well, um, thank you all for thinking of me, and yes, it does sound perfect.

EMILY: Good.

GREEN LADY: When did you join, Rory?

RORY: Join?

GREEN LADY: The DAR.

RORY: Oh. Well, um, I haven't.

EMILY: Yet.

BLUE LADY: She'd have to join to work in the office.

RORY [surprised]: Oh.

NORA: Don't worry, the term "shoo-in" was coined for a figurine like you.

EMILY: Don't worry. The paperwork's all filled out and ready. It's a formality.

NORA: Do you not eat? Do you not drink? The irish coffee is astounding.

EMILY: Oh, yes, Rory, our meeting's done. We're just gabbing. Go change and join us.

NORA: And be thinking of the forefather you fancy.

RORY: Well, um, I can't.

EMILY: Why not?

RORY: Uh, because I have my, um...

EMILY: Your...

RORY: My thing.

EMILY [not getting it]: Your thing.

RORY [sighs]: Um. [She leans over to whisper in Emily's ear.] My community service, you were supposed to drive me.

EMILY: Oh, oh, yes. Ladies, I'm sorry. Rory and I have a little outing. We were having so much filthy fun I forgot the time.

[They stand to go.]

BLUE LADY: Doing a little shopping, Emily?

EMILY: Something like that.

BLUE LADY: Well, have fun.

GREEN LADY: Lovely gathering, Emily.

EMILY: Thank you, girls.

NORA [to Rory]: Oh, you're going to match the drapes in our office perfectly. [She leaves.]

[Rory and Emily watch everyone go. Emily is beaming.]


LORELAI'S HOUSE

[Lorelai's Jeep pulls up in the driveway. She gets out, followed by Paul Anka, leaving the door open.]

LORELAI: Come on, boy, jump out. Good boy! Not afraid of jumping. That's something.

[She walks toward her house. She looks up and sees a man standing on her roof.]

LORELAI: Uh... excuse me.

GEORGE: Hello.

LORELAI: Hello! I'm Lorelai, the owner of the house you're standing on.

GEORGE: I'm George.

LORELAI: Hi, George. I'm just trying to think of how to ask this in a polite way. Um, are you committing some sort of crime?

GEORGE: No.

LORELAI: But if you were, would you tell me?

[Another man walks out of her front door.]

LORELAI: Hello.

SAUL: Howdy.

LORELAI [to herself]: Fight or flight? Fight or flight?

LUKE [also on the roof]: Hey!

LORELAI: Luke!

LUKE: This is George.

LORELAI: Oh, we've met.

SAUL [on the porch]: And I'm Saul.

LORELAI: Hi, Saul.

LUKE [to George]: You get what you need?

GEORGE: Just about. [Calls down] Saul, you get what you need?

SAUL: Just about!

LORELAI: Well! I was this close to screaming and siccing the dog on you. [She turns around. Paul Anka is back in the Jeep.] How did you get the door closed?

LUKE: We're just about done.

LORELAI: Done with what?

LUKE: Sizing the situation.

LORELAI: What situation?

LUKE: About how many silent joists we need to carry up.

LORELAI: What's a joist?

LUKE: The things that support the load.

LORELAI: What load?

LUKE: The load from the extension.

LORELAI: Okay, this has officially become the worst first draft of "Who's on First" in history.

LUKE: It's about enlarging the bedroom. To live here.

LORELAI: Here? You want to live here?

LUKE: Sure. I don't have a lot of stuff. We just need a little more closet space, a bigger bathroom, a bigger bedroom.

LORELAI: I've always wanted a bigger bedroom!

LUKE: Well, it looks like we can do it!

LORELAI: Well, what about the Twickham house?

LUKE: Too damn big. We can get along fine here for a while. Maybe forever. It's a great house. You love this house.

LORELAI [beaming]: I do love this house!

LUKE: I know. I figured that out from your sudden interest in laying down tracks and becoming a painter.

LORELAI: Come down here so I can kiss you! All of you.

LUKE: We'll just be a minute.

[Lorelai walks back to the Jeep to let Paul Anka out.]

LORELAI: You locked the door? Dude, come on. I mean, I've got the key, but I'm really curious how you did this.

[She unlocks the door.]


ROADSIDE COMMUNITY SERVICE

[Emily's Jaguar pulls up to the building where Rory will meet her crew. She is reading Rory some kind of document.]

EMILY: Let's see, what else? When you're eating in the mess hall, never reach across the prisoner next to you. It's a provocation. It'll get you a fork in your hand.

RORY: I don't think there's going to be a mess hall.

EMILY: Well, wherever you're eating, that would apply. What else. Don't be arrogant. [Smiles.] But you're not arrogant. Don't let anyone give you anything or lend you anything, period. It can get you injured or killed or turned out. I'm not sure what 'turned out' means, but they're very careful to warn you off it.

RORY: Got it.

EMILY: Now, if somebody approaches you with a shiv -
RORY: Do you know what a shiv is, Grandma?

EMILY: No. What is it?

RORY: It's like a crude knife carved from a soda can.

EMILY: Oh! That must be why they advise you to 'yell for a hack to come help you'. What's a hack?

RORY: Where did you get this, Grandma?

EMILY: I had your grandfather's secretary find me info on interacting with fellow prisoners.

RORY: But we're not prisoners. We're just doing community service.

EMILY: They look like prisoners.

RORY: Well, you know, sitting here in the Jag staring at them is probably not going to help my popularity.

EMILY: Oh, you're right. That's on the list, too. Staring is bad. You shouldn't do it for more than one or two seconds.

RORY: I won't. [She unbuckles her seatbelt.]

EMILY: And they really emphasize that you should keep your fight face at home. I'm guessing that's any sort of aggressive expression, whether you're staring at the person or not. Fight face. Remember that.

RORY: Okay. I'll be fine, Grandma. Thanks for driving me.

EMILY: Wait! [She pulls a fancy takeout box from the back seat.] Here. That's better than a paper bag.

RORY [monotone]: Yes it is.

EMILY: Oh, and here.

RORY: Cigarettes?

EMILY: To barter. It's currency to these people.

RORY: Thank you, Grandma. I'll call you when I'm done.

EMILY: Bye, now. And remember, don't stare.

[Rory gets out of the car and walks tentatively over to the group of people she'll be working with. They look at her, sizing her up.]

RORY: Um, anyone want a smoke?


LUKE'S DINER

[Luke and George are sitting at a table discussing Lorelai's house. Liz is sitting nearby, her back to them.]

GEORGE: Then you've got to decide on your extras. We could slap up some molding.

LUKE: Yeah! Molding's good, Lorelai'll like that.

LIZ: She will, she will like that.

[Luke looks at the back of Liz's head, irritated.]

LUKE: Let's figure on molding of some kind.

GEORGE: Good.

LIZ: Good.

GEORGE: We could add a wainscot too, and we could do a lugged architrave on the over door.

LUKE: Great.

LIZ: Oh, I love a lugged architrave.

LUKE: Liz!

LIZ [turning around]: Oh, hi! I'm Liz!

LUKE: My sister.

GEORGE: Hi, Liz.

LIZ: You're an architect, huh?

GEORGE: Yep.

LIZ: How long have you been an architect?

LUKE: This is not your interview, Liz.

LIZ: Oh. I'm buttoning it now. Sorry. [She turns back around.]

GEORGE: I need to go anyway, Luke.

LUKE: How much time frame, here, George?

GEORGE: It's going to take me at least two weeks to draw up a plan. I'll keep you posted.

LUKE: Good deal.

[They shake hands.]

LIZ [patting his back as he walks by her]: Good deal, George.

LUKE: I'll talk to you later.

[George leaves. Luke leans over to Liz.]

LUKE: What is wrong with you?

LIZ [getting up and following him to the counter]: What? I'm just excited about all this. A new adventure!

LUKE: But it's not your adventure. It's my adventure. [He looks at her.] You're in the employee section.

LIZ [turning serious]: I want to talk to you about something, Luke.

LUKE: You've done nothing but talk since you got here, why announce it now?

LIZ: You're going to need a contractor for your remodel, right?

LUKE: Yes.

LIZ: And you know who I'm married to.

LUKE: Yes.

LIZ: He'd be perfect for this!

LUKE [looking up, appalled]: TJ? He's not a contractor!

LIZ: Oh, but he is!

LUKE: Since when?

LIZ: Since he almost passed the test for his contractor's license last month. I mean, he was so close. If he hadn't used all those curse words during the written exam, he'd have had it.

LUKE: He used curse words?

LIZ: When he's enthusiastic about something he gets very foul. But I blame his mother, she has got a mouth on her. Garbage mouth!

LUKE: I don't think he can do the job, Liz.

LIZ: Oh, but my brother! He's working so hard for his license. You should see him. It is so cute. He sits up in bed at night poring through his books and his manuals. He's got this system, where he reads a chapter, then rewards himself with a Junior Mint. It's been working great for him.

LUKE: There is no way in the world that he's getting this job, Liz!

LIZ: What about the shelves he made you? I thought you liked them!

LUKE: They're just shelves!

LIZ: Oh, what happened to the little boy in you?

LUKE: The shelves are nice, but this is a big job! Lorelai loves this house. This is a great house!

LIZ: Luke, his life depends on it!

LUKE: How?!

LIZ: Because if he doesn't get his ass out of the house and work more, I'm going to kill him!

LUKE: There's a housing boom out there! There's plenty of work for a good carpenter like TJ!

LIZ: But every time he interviews for jobs he starts cursing! He can't help it! People mistake it for him being weird or something.

LUKE: Imagine that.

LIZ: Please, big brother. For your little sister.

LUKE: Liz!

LIZ: Just don't say no, okay? Just think about it.

LUKE: I don't need to think about it!

LIZ: For me! Think about it.

LUKE: Okay! Fine. I won't say no for the time being.

LIZ: Yes! Thank you! That's all I needed, was a big, fat, not-a-no!

LUKE: Whatever.

[Liz sits down at the counter and smiles at Luke as he works.]


ROADSIDE COMMUNITY SERVICE

[Rory walks along, stabbing garbage with a spear. She stabs a piece that another guy was just about to stab. He looks at her. She pulls the paper off her spear and puts it back on the ground.]

RORY: Sorry.

[The guy stabs it sort of viciously. Rory jumps back, bumping into another girl.]

LIZA [grumbles]: Watch it.

RORY: Sorry!

[She continues picking up trash.]


LORELAI'S HOUSE - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

[Lorelai pushes the door open backwards and drops a heavy laundry basket onto the bed. She hears a bird crow rather loudly. She looks up, speechless, at the huge hole in the front wall of her house.]


LUKE'S DINER

[Luke takes a woman's order. We can see Lorelai walking toward the diner through the door.]

LUKE: So that's an omelette, side of bacon.

WOMAN: What kind of cheese do you have?

LUKE: I've got your basics, Swiss, cheddar, jack - hey.

[Lorelai wordlessly takes him by the arm and pulls him out of the diner.]

LUKE: What? What? Hey! Lorelai, what are you doing?


LORELAI'S HOUSE - FRONT YARD

[Lorelai pulls him along.]

LUKE: Lorelai, this is weird, okay? I mean, come on. What's wrong? Lorelai, say something.

[Lorelai stops in front of the house and points up at it.]

LORELAI: Hole!

LUKE: How -
LORELAI: Hole!

LUKE: And -
LORELAI: Hole!

LUKE: I know it's a hole! How did it happen?

LORELAI: Dirt!

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: Dirt - bed - dirt - hole!

LUKE: Okay, speak in sentences! Come on! You found this when you got home?

LORELAI: Yes, a big hole!

LUKE: It was sledge hammered.

LORELAI: With a very big sledgehammer!

LUKE: God, who would - oh my God.

LORELAI: What?

LUKE: Him.

LORELAI: Who?

LUKE: Him.

LORELAI: What him?

LUKE: Kill!

LORELAI: Kill who?

LUKE: TJ!

LORELAI: TJ did this?

LUKE [yelling]: Who else?

LORELAI: What do you mean, who else? Why would TJ come over to my house and sledgehammer my bedroom?

LUKE: Damn it, Liz!

LORELAI: What'd Liz do?

LUKE: Oh, she worked me over! She begged me to hire TJ as the contractor on the remodel.

LORELAI: TJ's a contractor?

LUKE: No, and I said no! But she made me promise to think about it, and then she sat in the diner, staring at me, and then she started to cry, so I kicked her out! And then she went outside and cried, so I could see her through the window, and I couldn't take it anymore! So I said "Okay!" knowing we had weeks to figure out how to get out of it and no work could be done 'cause George hadn't made up the plans! And in the meantime, TJ could have changed occupations, or injured himself bouncing up and down on his trampoline, and backed out of the job!

LORELAI: But how could you risk saying "okay" to anything with TJ?

LUKE: Did I mention the crying? Liz is a walking tear duct. Oh, TJ's good. You never see what's coming, like a big dumb tsunami. He's that good!

LORELAI: So what do we do?

LUKE: I'm going to talk to TJ. But I'm going to be smart about it, I'm not going to spook him. I'm going to be like Michael Corleone dealing with that slimy brother-in-law of his. Get a couple of tickets to a ballgame. Invite him along and we'll talk about the beer and the hot dogs we're going to eat, and then I'm going to get him to admit that he did this. And then when we get in the car on the way to the ball park I'm going to put a rope around his neck and pull it 'till he's - [He makes a strangled sound; Lorelai cringes] - dead!

LORELAI: Wait, wait. You're in the back seat?

LUKE: Yeah, it's best for garroting. Yes.

LORELAI: No, he's totally going to smell something fishy if you hop in the back seat, especially if you're driving.

LUKE: No, he's not that bright. It'll work!

LORELAI: Why are you even buying the tickets? You could just sneak up on him and garrote him on the street, save you the money!

LUKE: I could still go to the game the other way! I'll take my friend Ed. He hasn't been to a game in ages.

LORELAI: Yeah. You're in no state to deal with TJ right now.

LUKE: Maybe not.

LORELAI: And we need to do something about the fact that my bedroom is on display for all to see.

LUKE: I know.

LORELAI: So, let's figure out what we need to deal with the hole. First things first.

LUKE: You're right. We need tarp.

LORELAI: Tarp.

LUKE: Plywood.

LORELAI: Plywood.

LUKE: Staple gun.

LORELAI: Staple gun.

LUKE: Rope.

LORELAI: You're not garroting TJ.

LUKE: Skip the rope.

LORELAI: No rope.

LUKE: I'm sorry.

LORELAI: It's not your fault.

LUKE: Eh, I'm dumb.

LORELAI: No, you're not.

LUKE: I'm going to kill him!

LORELAI: No, you're not!

[They walk up the steps into the house.]


GILMORE POOL HOUSE

[Rory arrives home from garbage-picking, sweaty and dirty. She walks over to the counter and finds a DAR portfolio, filled with papers marked for Rory to sign. She looks through them and sighs.]


LUKE'S DINER

[Luke is closing up. He says good bye to the last customer.]

LUKE: Good night, see you again.

[He goes to the counter to add up his totals. He hears the door open behind him.]

LUKE: Sorry, kitchen's closed. [He turns around and sees that it's Rory.] Rory!

RORY: Hi, Luke.

LUKE: Hi.

RORY: So, kitchen's closed? [She angles toward the door.]

LUKE: No, no. It's not closed. Come on in.

[She sits at the counter. He goes behind the counter and pours her a coffee.]

RORY: Oh.

LUKE: No, it's just, I figured -
RORY: No, yes. You figured right. Thank you. [Pause.] So, it looks like the town's been doing a little painting.

LUKE: Yeah, Taylor wanted to spiff it up, you know. Those are his words. He put these obnoxious signs up. "Pardon our spiff; it'll just take a jiff." It's dumb.

RORY: Yeah. Dumb.

LUKE: But it, it needed a - spiff.

RORY: Yeah, it looks good. [Pause.] So, I started my community service.

LUKE: Right.

RORY: Little road work, vest and all. Five hours down, two hundred and ninety-five to go.

LUKE: It's good you're chipping away at it.

RORY: Yeah.

LUKE: Yeah.

RORY: So, how are people? [She smiles pleadingly.] Are people good?

LUKE: [getting it]: Yeah, people are good. People are, uh. [He shifts uncomfortably.] Your mom and I are engaged.

RORY [after a pause]: Engaged?

LUKE [nodding]: Yeah.

RORY [takes a deep breath, then smiles awkwardly]: Wow. [Near tears.] Congratulations.

LUKE: Thanks.

RORY: So I guess I'm gonna go. Um, thank you. For the coffee.

[She walks out. Luke looks down, upset.]


LORELAI'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH

[The next morning. Lorelai comes out looking sleepy.]

LORELAI: TJ!

TJ: Lorelai! Hey. Am I glad to see you.

LORELAI: It's, like, seven a.m., TJ.

TJ: I know. The sun ain't even warm yet, and here we are, toting that barge. Mr. Taskmaster. [He points up at the roof.]

LORELAI: Who? Who has got you toting a barge?

TJ: Look. I need to explain my side in the whole "hole" thing here. It wasn't my fault.

LORELAI: It wasn't?

TJ: A guy says "okay", that means something to me. You know what I mean? It's not so complicated. Not like the TV Guide or nothing. It means "okay"!

LORELAI: It's really early, TJ.

TJ: Anyway, I just don't want you to be mad at me. We're gonna be related, you and me.

LORELAI: Well, I'm not mad at you, TJ.

LUKE [from the roof]: Hey, get away from her!

TJ: We're just talking!

LUKE: TJ, stop bothering her, and get up here!

TJ: You want me to bring up a couple more trash bags? I'm figuring we need some.

LUKE: Okay. Fine.

TJ: Now, is that okay in the sense that I know that word, or is that a Luke okay that can mean whatever you want it to mean?

LUKE: Just get up here!

TJ: He knew I was a self-starter. "Okay" to a self-starter is like glue to a horse. What else can you do but start galloping?

[He climbs the ladder. Lorelai backs up so she can see Luke on the roof.]

LORELAI: Hey, Luke?

LUKE: Yeah?

LORELAI: Are you aware of the time?

LUKE: I'm just trying to make it so you don't have to sleep on the couch for the next three months. If you want us to stop, we'll stop.

LORELAI: No, it's just - the sun ain't even warm yet.

TJ: Seven a.m. was Luke's idea. I'd have started at nine so as not to bother people. That's just one guy that thinks that okay means okay's opinion.

LUKE: Will you just keep working? [TJ goes.]

LORELAI: So maybe tomorrow, if you're still doing this, it could be eight? Ish? I mean, I love that you're doing it, but -
LUKE: Yeah, I needed to start early so I could get this done. Man!

LORELAI: Hey, what's with the 'tude?

LUKE: Nothing. It's just - You know you've got a Frisbee up here?

LORELAI: A what?

LUKE: A Frisbee just sitting up here! I mean, what are you thinking with that?

LORELAI: It's not my Frisbee.

LUKE: So it just walked up here on its own.

LORELAI: Luke! There is a lost Frisbee on the roof of every suburban home in America! No less a luminary than Garrison Keillor said that. It's not that big a deal.

LUKE: Every roof, huh? Well, that's a great use of plastic!

LORELAI: It's not my Frisbee! I've never played Frisbee! What the hell has gotten into you?

LUKE: I told Rory we were engaged.

LORELAI: What? How? Where?

LUKE: She came into the diner last night. It was awkward and stupid. I ended up telling her we were engaged!

LORELAI: Why! Why would you do that?

LUKE: Why? Because she had the face!

LORELAI: What face?

LUKE: The Rory face! You know the face.

LORELAI: Yes, but Luke, you have to ignore the Rory face!

LUKE: That's easy for you to say!

LORELAI: You shouldn't have told her!

LUKE: Yeah. You should have told her!

LORELAI: No! She's not being told anything. So neither of us should have told her.

LUKE: But if one of us isn't going to tell her more, then I'm the one that shouldn't!

LORELAI: Right! Meaning, not you! I should have told her.

LUKE: Then we're in full agreement. You should have told her.

LORELAI: No, that's not what I'm saying!

LUKE: But you said it and I agreed, so I win.

LORELAI: How do you win?

LUKE: Because I have the high ground. That gives me the upper hand on anything you got!

LORELAI [pleading]: Luke.

TJ [holding up a drill]: Something's wrong with this thing.

LUKE: There's nothing wrong with that thing! [He picks up the Frisbee.]

LORELAI: Luke! Rory started this. And right now we're not talking. Remember, tough love? I'm on a path here!

LUKE: She would have seen it in the paper eventually!

LORELAI: Seen what?

LUKE: Our engagement.

LORELAI: How would it have ended up in the paper?

LUKE: I don't know. She'd open up the paper to the back, there's these stupid pictures of a guy and a girl, Bill's a chiropractor, Nancy's a teacher, they met square dancing, and they're on their honeymoon in Florida, and they've got these smiles on their faces like their lives are going to work out the way they dreamt or something, suckers! Those things!

LORELAI: You played right into her hands. You can't do that! She can't just play on our emotions! She has to undo what she's done, get out of my parent's house, go back to school!

LUKE: Fine! Maybe I shouldn't have told her anything! Maybe I should have kicked her out, ignored her, whatever. But you've got to understand something. I'm in the middle! Yeah, she's your daughter, but I'm in the middle!

LORELAI: I know. You are in the middle.

LUKE: Good. Because you've been acting like you don't know! Like you're alone in this or something!

LORELAI: I know!

LUKE: And I know you don't want my opinion on this but you're both being dumb and you should be talking! There. I won't say anything more about any of this again, ever! [Lorelai is upset. Luke turns to TJ.] TJ, the screw's not going in right because you've got the drill on counter-clockwise. It's righty tighty, lefty loosey!

TJ: I got to remember that!

LUKE [aggravated, to Lorelai]: All right. I got to get back to work. We're going to be done with what we're doing here today. We won't be here tomorrow.

LORELAI [pleading]: Luke.

LUKE: We're okay.

LORELAI: Good.

[Luke tosses her the Frisbee. She catches it.]

LUKE: Nice catch.

[She smiles and holds it up. Luke goes back to TJ, who has successfully screwed the plywood up.]

TJ: Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Righty tighty!


ROADSIDE COMMUNITY SERVICE

[Rory is tying up her full bag.]

LEADER: Okay, guys, ten minutes 'till lunch.

[The tough girl from before pushes Rory from behind as she walks by. Rory glares, marches after her and nudges her as she passes. The girl shoves Rory back, calling her on. Rory pushes her back, and they start scrapping. The other workers tear them apart.]

LEADER: Whoa, whoa, break it up! Get down!


A SMALL WHITE ROOM

[It looks like a questioning room in a police station. Rory is sitting with her arms crossed, across the table from the speaker from orientation.]

SPEAKER [lecturing]: You're on the side of the road! Cars rushing by! Trucks, tractor trailers, you see my point? [Rory doesn't answer.] That's not a playground out there! It's a work environment with inherent dangers, obvious dangers, and there you are, pushing someone around. That's unacceptable. Now, I cannot have you out there with your fight face on! Do you understand me?

RORY [a little lippy]: Yes, sir.


LORELAI'S JEEP

[Lorelai is driving along, listening to ------------------. She sees Rory picking up trash on the side of the road. She panics a little, then decides to pull over. She does a quick U-turn and gets out. Rory doesn't notice her yet.]

LEADER: What's the problem?

RORY: We're going to need another thing of bags for this next stretch.

LEADER: Well, then you're going to have to check back on the bus. [He walks away from her.]

RORY: Thanks for nothing.

[She turns around and sees Lorelai walking toward her. Their conversation is bitter and sarcastic.]

LORELAI: Repaying your debt to society, I assume.

RORY: That's what this is.

LORELAI: System already hardened you?

RORY: So I guess congratulations are in order?

LORELAI: So how are things at the new digs?

RORY: You guys set a date yet?

LORELAI: Grandma re-decorate the pool house yet?

RORY: Be sure to send me a picture!

LORELAI: Be sure to send me a change of address card! Grandma can print them out for you with a little fleur-de-lis.

RORY: I'm not supposed to be talking to outsiders.

LORELAI: Fine.

[She turns and walks away. Rory calls to her back.]

RORY: You and Luke getting engaged and not telling me about it? You hurt me!

LORELAI [keeps walking, without turning]: Back at you!